humor

Episode 418

Attack of the Eye Creatures

Tom and Crow are going through a “best friend” phase, but it doesn’t last very long.
The mads invention is a router Ouija board so you can summon the spirits of dead woodworkers and make fine crafted piece as well. Joel and the bots invention is the funny gag fax. It squirts water on whomever reads it.

Attack of the Eye Creatures

A man with a briefcase locked to his wrist delivers an important report to a General. The General then has Lt. Robertson report to him. He briefs him on Project Visitor and shows him a film describing a UFO that is expected to land on earth very soon. Robertson then heads back to his sector to await the UFOs arrival.
Back at his sector, two Air Force underlings are using their surveillance equipment to spy on teenagers making out in their cars in the woods. Robertson reads them the riot act but ultimately joins them.
Two men at the White Rock bar are trying to pick up some girls but they are not having any luck. One guy, Mike, gives up for the night but the other, Carl, is willing to wait a little longer. He takes their car and drives off into the woods. He then sees the flying saucer from earlier in the film landing. One of the local teens also sees it land. He tells some friends back at that same bar, but they don’t believe him.

Lt. Robertson just happens to be there and hears about the spaceship.
Carl gets a closer look at the spaceship, gets a little freaked out, hops in the car and takes off. Then we get to watch a couple teens, Stan and Susan, make out, how fun.

## Break
## Tom has a cool new car which Crow really takes a fancy to. Tom asks Crow if he wants to make out like the teens in the movie. Crow runs off in horror. Gypsy then comes by and Tom makes the same offer to her. She turns him down. Magic Voice also turns him down since she has no physical form. Tom has a lot of questions about making out. Joel swoops in and gives him a big kiss.

Carl rushes back to his place to tell his friend from the bar, Mike, about the saucer and how they are going to be rich. Mike is unimpressed and goes back to sleep.
Stan and Susan are heading home from their make out session, when they accidentally run over an alien. They also get a flat tire, so they walk to a nearby house. When no one answers the door, they go inside and use the phone to call the police and tell them they ran over an Alien.

Unfortunately, the police don’t believe them. The old man that owns the house returns and runs them off his property.
Carl drives back out to look at the spaceship and he finds the alien body by Stan’s car. Now he’s sure he and Mike are going to be rich. He prepares to get the body into his car when he is attacked by four more aliens. They easily kill him.

## Break
## Joel and the bots celebrate the mediocre acting career of Earl Holliman

The air force guys drive out to get a look at the spaceship. The do absolutely nothing but look at it.
Stan and Susan walk back to their car. The cops show up after all. They remove the body that they find at the scene and have Stan blow into a breathalyzer. Of course Stan hasn’t been drinking so he’s not worried. The police take him in to custody anyway. Turns out the body the cops found was Carl’s not the alien.
At the station the cops want Stan to sign a confession admitting to killing Carl but he refuses. He and Susan insist that they hit an alien. Susan’s father, who happens to be a local attorney, shows up. He’s mad at Susan for going out with Stan but tells her he will try to get her out of trouble, but not that thug Stan.

Back at the spaceship, the air force guys try yelling at and then shooting at the craft, but nothing happens.
At the local funeral home, Stan, Susan and the cops get a look at Carl. The two love birds swear they have never seen him before and that they hit a spaceman. Seeing as how Carl appears to be a drifter, Susan’s dad will talk to Mike and see if he will not press charges.
The air force gang try to use a cutting torch on the spaceship. Unfortunately, this causes the ship to explode.
The explosion causes all the cops to go outside and investigate, which means they leave Stan (John Ashley) and Susan alone. They just walk out the back door of the station and take the lead investigator’s car.
The two air force underlings from earlier try to get another peek at the youngster making out in the woods. Instead they get a closeup look at one of the aliens but they figure it must be a monster movie.

Stan and Susan go back to the accident site and look around. They don’t find anything, so they drive off. Unbeknownst to them, the severed hand of the alien they hit crawls into the car to ride along with them. It crawls up and spooks the crap out of Susan. They abandon the car and walk to the house where Mike is staying. They explain to him what has happened. He calls the police to verify the story, then the three of them head back to the woods. Mike brings his camera.

## Break
## Joel and the bots dress up as The Rip Taylor Trio and make corny jokes about the eye creatures.

They find the hand crawling around in the back of the cop car. Mike is flabbergasted and quickly takes a picture of it. When he does, the hand sudden disappears in a flash. Not sure what to do next, they try to head over to the police station, but the car battery is dead. Uh oh, here come the eye creatures. When all hope looks to be lost, Stan turns on the spot light on the car and kills one of the creatures.
Now they know how to stop them but the battery is to low for the light to work anymore.
Mike panics and takes off running. Bad idea. The creatures easily catch him and then there was no more Mike. This allows Stan and Susan to escape. They go back to the old man’s house to call the cops. They try to turn themselves in but the police are no long interested in them. Turns out Carl died from a heart attack and not from Stan hitting him. They aren’t even interested in them stealing the cop car. Not sure what to do next, the two of them head back to the woods to see if they can get all of their friends to stop kissing and help them.
Stan, Susan and all of their friends surround the creatures with their cars

and then turn on their headlights. One by one the creatures explode. The earth has been saved. They even find Mike and he’s alive. Stan and Susan decide to commemorate the night by eloping.

## Joel and the bots discuss how the film’s producers just did not care how bad the movie was. Dr Forester and Frank disagree. They even have the director with them to prove it. Turns out he just didn’t care.

Cast

John Ashley appeared in wide variety of films and TV shows throughout the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. He also had a short music career, ran several movie theaters in his home state of Texas, produced horror movies in the Philippines and eventually became a producer of the A-team. He died in 1997 of a heart attack at the age of 62.

Best Riffs

## Lenny and Squiggy join the Navy.

## I saw it. “With my own hair.”

## “Okay, Gentlemen. Your suits didn’t come in, so tomorrow just wear black and your mask.”

This was another tuff one to get through. The movie is terrible but the host segments were very good.

2 out of 5

humor

Episode 417

Episode 417

Crash of the Moons

Joel is teaching Tom how to do macramé when Crow comes in and asks them to buy Grit, the newspaper, but instead he just had a box full of actual grit. Joel and Tom complain that they have already bought a bunch of other stuff from Crow, including turkey pizzas and watermelon seeds. Crow then tries to sell them insurance.
For the invention exchange, the mads have Deep 13 Toothpaste in chocolate and fudge flavors. It will rot your teeth while brushing. Joel and the bots make Rock and Wreck guitars. You can smash them and then they go right back together.

First another episode of General Hospital

As I’m sure you remember from episode 413, the doctor, Ken, had to leave the small celebration Phil and Jesse had thrown for him and Cynthia’s engagement. Since Ken will be stuck at the hospital for some time, Phil offers to take Cynthia home. Jesse is a little suspicious of the two of them.

Phil and Cynthia arrive at her home but have a chat in the car. The two apparently have been having a little thing, so Phil is upset that she is marrying that loser Ken. Cynthia tries to resist him, but she can’t and they share a kiss

Crash of the Moons

Cleolanta, the queen of the plant Ophiuchus, is having a meeting with Secretary Drake, Rocky Jones and Winky about joining the United Worlds. She tells them to go pound sand and promptly sends them packing. They hop into their spaceship, Orbit Jet, and head for a nearby space station.
When they contact the station, Vena, Billy and Professor Newton are waiting for them.

The three of them are there because a pair of Gypsy Moons, (Posita and Negato) will be passing near the station. They are very excited to see them pass by but Rocky realizes there is a problem. He’s so smart.
It seems that the space station they are on will pass through the planets atmosphere chain and that will cause its destruction. Rocky tells Winky to step on it. They need to hurry to make it in time to save their friends.

## Break
## Joel mentions that “Gypsy Moons” is an old song from the 1920’s. Tom and Crow sing it to Gypsy, but she is not impressed.

On the moon Posita, the ruler, Bavarro and his wife notice that their new son is fussing quite a bit, as if he senses something wrong.
Meanwhile, Rocky and company get to the space station just in time to save it from the atmosphere chain, thus extracting their friends from certain doom. The Orbit Jet then lands on Posita.
It seems that Bavarro (John Banner) knows everyone, as he is thrilled to see each of them, even Winky.

Meanwhile the professor has been doing some calculating. He figures out that Posita is on a collision course with Ophiuchus.
They break the news to Bavarro. He’s not happy and neither is the baby.
Rocky and Winky decide to head back to Ophiuchus to try and warn them.

## Break
## Joel and the bots do a commercial for John Banner-grams

Rocky broadcasts a message to all of Ophiuchus to warn them of the impending catastrophe but Cleolanta has forbidden anyone from receiving outside transmissions.
The wife of Cleolanta’s assistant has a secret radio and she does hear the message. She tries to warn her husband, Atlasan, but he gets pissed off at her betrayal and tells Cleolanta.

Now she’s in trouble.
The Orbit Jet lands on Ophiuchus and Rocky tries to persuade Cleolanta to evacuate her people. Fat chance fancy pants!! She instead fills the room they are waiting in with knock out gas.
With Rocky and Winky out of the way, Cleolanta and Atlasan fly out to Posita and try to destroy the moon before it can hit Ophiuchus. They start firing missiles at it which of course causes the baby to get even more upset.
Back on Ophiuchus, Atlasan’s wife helps Rocky and Winky escape. They high tail it to Posita and stop Cleolanta. They land on Posita and verify everyone is safe.

## Break
## Crow has written a tele-play. It makes absolutely no sense and is full of gibberish.

They agree to evacuate Posita first, then Cleolanta can try to knock it out of the path of Ophiuchus. Rocky will oversee the whole thing since they can’t trust Cleolanta
Once everyone is off Posita they fire more missiles at it but it’s no use, it’s still going to hit Ophiuchus.
Despite Cleolanta objections, everyone is evacuated from Ophiuchus. The two planets slam into each other and are destroyed.

Eventually Cleolanta comes to realize she was being a jerk and thanks Rocky for saving them.
The movie mercifully ends.

## Joel and the bots get their very own banner gram. They get so annoyed by him they send him down to Deep 13, much to Dr Foresters anger.

Most of the cast is the same as in Episode 413

John Banner is best known for playing Sargent Schultz in the TV series Hogan’s Heroes. Banner was of Jewish decent and emigrated to the USA when the Nazi’s annexed Austria in 1938. He served in the army air force during WW2.

** Best Riffs

** You see guys, when a spaceship loves a space station very very much…

** It’s a cardboard cutout Klan meeting

** Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a bad film it is.

This one was tough to sit through. Maybe it because it’s a revisit to episode 413 and all of the characters were so annoying. Whatever it was, I can only give this a 2 out of 5.

humor

Episode 416

Fire Maidens of Outer Space

Joel is checking the bots posture to crown the king and queen of posture. Crow also seems to have a new friend, Timmy, that looks like a duplicate of him, only all black.
Dr Forester and Frank’s invention is a giant checkbook. Joel and the bots make shoes with edible cheese.

Fire Maidens of Outer Space

A voice over explains that the United States and Great Britain have been working on a secret project know as 13, an expedition into outer space.
An American scientist from Los Alamos flies to London to work with their scientist. There they discover that a 13th moon of Jupiter looks a lot like the earth. A spacecraft is being equipped to make the journey to this moon and should be ready within a few weeks. They speculate if there could be humans or other life on the moon and whether or not they will look as hot as their secretary.
It’s now launch day. The rocket, with its five passengers on board, successfully lifts off and starts its trip towards Jupiter. They pass through some asteroids but otherwise they just sit around looking at their instruments and smoking.

## Break
## Joel and Tom discuss how to use double entendres. Crow and Timmy don’t quite understand.

The ship uneventfully reaches Jupiters 13th moon. They start to land, when they suddenly receive a transmission from someone on the moon. They indicate that they are just a bunch of scientists from earth out to have a look around. They safely land and immediately light up some smokes.
They quickly find that this moon has an atmosphere like earth’s. They do a little exploring, find a statue then start heading back to the ship.
With out warning, they hear a women scream. They follow the sound and find a human women being attacked by monster. Since they each are packing revolvers, they fire a few shots and the creature runs off. The women doesn’t speak but she leads them to a group of trees. She ducks under one and two of the men, Blair and Larson, follow her. Next thing you know there in a Roman like city. There they meet Prasus, an older man and the only male on the moon. He tells them that they are on New Atlantis. He babbles on about their needing to kill the creature they saw earlier and so forth.
It turns out the woman they saved before was his daughter, Hestia, and now her life belongs to them, so he just gives her to them. Thanks dad.

Actually he has a whole bunch of daughters and they all come parading in with food and drink for the men. They are starting to get the idea that Prasus is wanting a little more than just help with a monster.

## Break
## Joel installed a set of levers that control everything on the ship just like the one in the movie. Timmy starts messing with it which causes all kinds of havoc.

After some meager nourishment, it’s time for the ladies to do a little dancing. The drinks the men had contained some kind of drug and it causes them to pass out. The other three men, waiting for the first group, decide to go back to the ship and wait until the morning to look for their wayward companions. Once they make it back to the ship, they just sit around and smoke.

The next day, while the three men are trying to find them, Prasus asks Larson to help get rid of the monster. The have a drink to their success but Hestia switched the cups and gives the drugged one to Prasus.
The three searchers find the same group of trees as before but there isn’t any way inside. Oh no, it’s the monster. They fire at it but it has no effect on it. They throw a grande at it which scares it away.
Larson asks Hestia how they can escape but she tells him there isn’t anyway out. The city is sealed off to keep the monster out and Prasus controls it. One of the other “daughters”, Duessa, overhears the conversation and realizes Hestia is trying to help the men. Later, when Hestia is alone, she and some of the other women tie her up.

## Break
## Timmy attacked Tom in the theater, and in a scene right out of Aliens, Joel and Crow blast Timmy out of the airlock.

Duessa and some of the other “daughters” plan to kill Hestia in the morning but then some other daughters capture the three other guys that were looking for the two guys. Now they have all five men as captives and can use them as mates.
Blair and Larson escape and try to find Hestia. When the ladies realize they are gone and they go back to where they have Hestia. They do a bunch of dancing in preparation of her death.

Prasus finally wakes and starts looking for everyone. The monster has somehow gotten into the city and it attacks and kills Prasus. It then finds all the women, where it attacks and kills Duessa. Just as it’s about to kill Hestia, Blair and Larson show up and kill the brute, rescuing everyone.
They all go looking for Prasus and quickly find he’s dead. That makes Hestia the new queen. She decides to go with her new boyfriend, Blair, back to earth. The men promise that more missions, with more men, will return soon.

## The bots can’t believe how little happened in the movie. It really has them broken up. Dr Forester is pretty happy with the results. Frank has found Timmy on their doorstep.

Cast
Anthony Dexter appeared in two other MST3K episodes, Twelve To The Moon” and “The Phantom Planet.”

** Best Riffs
** Fire up the grill girls, it’s time for manwiches

** Jupiter! America’s dairy land!

** Fly me to the moon

Oh my God this movie was a slog. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. The riffs are good but the movie drags this one down. 1 out of 5

humor

Episode 415

Episode 415

The Beatniks

Joel is playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with the bots. He keeps winning since Crow and Tom’s hands don’t work. Eventually Joel asks if they would like to play Mumbly Peg? Before they can start, Gypsy knocks Joel over saving the day for her buddies.
For the invention exchange, Dr Forester and Frank are human size good luck troll dolls. Joel’s invention is pocket pool, with real billiard balls you put in your pants and hit with a cue.

First up, another General Hospital short.

Two couples are having a small celebration.

One of the couples is getting engaged. The host couple do not seem to like the other man. A phone call from the hospital sends mister unpopular away, leaving the other three behind.

The Beatniks

A car pulls up outside of a mom and pop store. A young lady is driving and the four male passengers put on masks and head inside to rob the place. They have robbed this place before as the owners recognize the masks. The thugs gather up the money and speed away.
The gang drives around for awhile before coming across a man with a broken down car. He is parked right outside Nadine’s diner, which just happens to be their hangout. They offer to help him but really they just want to hassle him. They go inside, start acting obnoxious and see how much money they got. The old man comes inside to use the phone to call for help with his car.

Once he is done with that he makes another call and we find out that his name is Harry Bayliss and he is a talent agent.
Meanwhile, Iris, the gangs driver, wants some money for the jukebox. She asks Eddy, the leader and her boyfriend, to give her some. He gives her a hard time but eventually gives her some change. She plays a tune and gets him to dance. Not only that, she gets him to sing too. Apparently he is quite the singer, as Mr. Bayliss is very impressed.

## Break
## Joel and the bots are really unimpressed with the Beatniks in the movie. In fact they don’t even look like beatniks. They list off some things that will indicate if you are not a beatnik, like if you own more than one polo shirt or you have a bus pass, you are not a beatnik.

The gang starts eating some of Nadine’s fixings, when Bayliss asks Eddie (Tony Travis) about his singing. He tells him he could be a big star with his help. The others, Moon, Red and Chuck, think it’s a stupid idea but Eddie and Iris are definitely interested. Bayliss gives him his business card and leaves when the mechanic arrives to help with his car.
The next day Eddie and the others head over to Bayliss’s office. There they meet his secretary, Helen Tracy. Eddie immediately starts putting the moves in her much to Iris’s displeasure.
They go inside and meet Ray Morrissey, from the TV station, as well as Josh who will be playing the piano while Eddie sings. Iris tries to say a few good words about Eddie but he just tells her to shut up. He isn’t sure this whole thing is a good idea but then in walks Helen and he changes his mind.

He sings and everyone is very impressed. They offer him a spot on the big show the next night, they just need to get him a hotel for the night. Eddie insists that his friends get to stay there as well. Bayliss reluctantly agrees. He instructs Helen to make the arrangements and help Eddie finds some new clothes.
It montage time!!!! Helen and Eddie do some shopping to get him presentable for his big debut.

After the shopping they end up at a nightclub. Eddie can’t believe his good fortune. He’s never had anything good happen to him before. He confesses to Helen that he really really likes her. She reciprocates the feelings and they share a kiss.
The next day comes and Eddie performs on the big show. He is a huge hit. Helen is on one side of the stage making googly eyes at him while Iris and Moon watch nearby. The two of them seem to be getting jealous of all the attention Eddie is getting. After he’s done singing Bayliss takes Eddie and Helen up to Morrissey’s office. They start talking about his next appearance on the show when they get a call from a record producer. Looks like Eddie is going to be a big star.
Iris, Moon and the others barge into the office. Eddie tells them about the record deal and so the gang wants to go and celebrate. Bayliss and Helen (Joyce Terry) think it’s a bad idea; Eddie needs to rest. Not wanting to disappoint his friends, Eddie decides to go celebrate anyway.
The gang starts doing some heavy drinking in a hotel room but Eddie isn’t partaking. He, Moon and Iris start arguing then Eddie decks Moon.

He apologizes and helps Moon (Peter Breck) get up. Iris meanwhile sulks in the corner.

## Break
## Tom, Crow and Gypsy are acting like teenage girls, daydreaming about Tony Travis, the guy who plays Eddie in the movie, and reading “Tiger Bot” magazine. Joel comes by and mentions that he has Tony’s phone number, so the bots call him. They get his answering machine and discover that he is older and has kids of his own now. The bots are pretty deflated.

The gang decided to take the party on the road. They end up at a place called Charlie’s Diner. The problem with the place is that it’s so late, after 2 am, that the kitchen is closed and that can’t sell any booze. They hassle Gus, the only guy working, into making them some sandwiches. While he is doing that, Eddie and Iris start dancing and Moon steals some liquor from the bar. Gus tries to throw them out but beatniks don’t play that game, so Gus gets his gun and starts to call the sheriff. Moon begs him not to so Gus, being a softy at heart, changes his mind. When he turns his back, Moon hits him over the head with a wine bottle.

Gus crashes to the ground and appears to be dead. Eddie and the others are stunned. Just then a car pulls up. Eddie and Iris (Karen Kadler) go outside. The driver asks if the place has any girls inside. When Eddie tells him no, he leaves.
Meanwhile back inside, Gus is not so dead. He fires his gun and hits Red in the arm before finally dying. The gang pack up and leave.
Back at the hotel, Eddie confronts Moon about the killing. Moon says Gus was going to be able to identify them so he killed him to protect Eddie, but Eddie’s not buying it.
He starts complaining about getting mixed up with the rest of them and goes for a walk. Iris is really upset and blames Helen for pulling him away from her and the gang.
Eddie wanders around for a bit then calls Helen. She can sense something is wrong. He tells her he is just no good for her and he’s not going to do anymore singing.

Helen confesses that she is in love with him. Eddie thinks she is just saying that so he will stay with Bayliss. Devastated, Helen hangs up on him. Eddie realizes he’s made a mistake and heads over to her place.
When Eddie arrives, Moon and Chuck are waiting on him. Moon is very suspicious of Eddie and figures he’s going to rat them out. The three of them talk it out and then head back to the hotel to check on Red.
The next morning, they realize they need to get Red to a doctor but they decide to wait until night fall and drive him to a small town. Meanwhile Iris is happy that Eddie is all done with Helen and Bayliss but she is going to miss getting rich.
Eddie and Moon are still at odds with each other over the killing from earlier. Moon says he just wants to be famous just like Eddie. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. It’s the hotel detective and the manager. They want the gang out of the hotel.

Eddie calls Bayliss and tells him he wants to sing after all. He also gets him to talk the manager out of kicking them out. Since Eddie is back to singing again, he needs to head over to the recording studio right away. That also means Iris can’t come along.
At the recording studio, Eddie is waiting for the producer to get everything set up when in walks Helen. She and Eddie make up then he goes to talk to Mr Bayliss. He’s pretty concerned about Eddie and his lowlife friends. He wants Eddie to dump them but that just can’t happen.
Well it’s time for some singing. Eddie belts out a fabulous little number that’s sure to be a hit.

Bayliss tells Helen about his misgivings with Eddie and the gang. Helen begs him to help him out if he can.

## Break
## Joel and the bots do their own version of the diamond in the ruff, complete with Tom as the singing sensation, Crow as his love interest and even spinning headlines.

Bayliss goes to the hotel to talk with the gang. He tries to help but Moon is completely freaked by now and having none of it.

He pulls a knife on Bayliss when he tries to leave. He show Bayliss the story in the newspaper and confesses to the murder. Then he stabs Bayliss.
All of the commotion in the room gets the attention of the hotel detective. Moon fights with Chuck and Iris before hightailing it down the fire escape. Now he’s on the run.
Back at the recording studio, Eddie has finished with the session. He sits down with Helen to have a talk but then Helen gets a call about Bayliss. The two of them rush to the hospital.
When they get there they find Bayliss (Charles Delaney) to be okay and a police detective waiting to talk to them. He tells them they have Iris, Chuck and Red in custody already but they are still looking for the other two, Moon and Eddie. Since the cop doesn’t know what Eddie looks like, Helen and Bayliss lie about who Eddie is.
Later, back at the recording studio, Eddie tells Helen he can’t keep running. He tells her to let the cops know where they can find him. Meanwhile, Moon shows up at the studio. With the cops on their way, Eddie talks to Moon in the alleyway.

They get into a big fight which of course Eddie wins just as the cops show up. They take both of them into custody as the movie ends.

## Crow is chasing Gypsy around with a knife but ends up stabbing Tom. Of course it’s all in fun. Dr Forester and Frank are still dressed as troll dolls which makes it hard to push the button.

Cast

Tony Travis, this movie is basically the extent of his career

Joyce Terry stared in The Neanderthal Man in 1953

Peter Breck also appeared in Episode 106 “The Crawling Hand”

Karen Kadler also appeared in Episode 311 “It Conquered the World”

Charles Delaney appeared in over 90 films between 1913 and 1959. This was his last film as he passed away before it was released in 1960. He was 67 years old

Best Riffs

## Dish of ice cream, don’t tempt me.

## Hi! I’m here for my prostate exam, and I brought some my friends with me.

## Take that and this and that

The movie is barely watchable but the riffs are terrific. The last break, with the spinning headlines is really funny. Overall I give this a 3 out of 5.

humor

Episode 414

Tormented

Tom and Crow are playing in a ventilation shaft. Eventually Tom comes down but Crow refuses to. Gypsy tries to join in but she is way to big and her and Crow come tumbling out.
For the invention exchange, Joel and the boys make a see-and-say for family reunions. The mads invention is the drinking jacket.

Tormented

Tom Stewart, a jazz pianist, is inside a light house on a Cape Cod island. His ex-girlfriend, Vi, is with him. Tom is planning on getting married to another woman but Vi is not about to let him go so easily. Tom tells her it’s over between them and starts to leave. Vi coyly says she still has all of the letters. This stop Tom in his tracks. The two of them step out on to the walkway around the top of the light house.

Vi starts speculating about how Meg, Tom’s new lady, would feel about the letters. Maybe a lawyer might find them interesting. Tom is enraged by this. Just then, the railing that Vi was leaning on gives way. She starts to fall to the rocky surf below but is just able to hang on. Tom goes to help her but then changes his mind. He stands and watches as Vi plummets to her death.
The next day, Tom is standing on the beach near the lighthouse when he spots Vi’s body floating in the surf. He goes in after it and brings on to the shore. Suddenly it changes into seaweed. Since this isn’t normal for a dead body, it kind if freaks Tom out.
Just then Sandy, Meg’s little sister, walks up. Tom is not really in the mood to deal with Sandy right now so he tells her to scram. Before she leaves, she spots something on the beach. Its Vi’s watch. Tom takes the watch and Sandy heads back to the main house.
Tom is starting to realize he is flipping out. He’s letting his imagination get the better of him. He goes back to the light house and bends the broken rail back into place but it bends itself back. He throws the watch into the water below. The sound of a seagull freaks him out a little and then he can hear footsteps coming up the stairs. It’s just Meg.
She asks why he is in the light house and Tom (Ricard Carlson) lies that he is nervous about the big concert at Carnegie Hall next month and he needed some place to think. Meg tells him he will do just great but she does mention that the light house smells like perfume.
The two of them walk along the beach back to the house. As they walk a third set of foot prints appear in the sand as if they are being followed. Tom notices the footprints and is full on creeped out. He tries to show Meg but a wave washes them away. Tom tries to convince Meg to elope with him and get married right then but she wants the wedding plus her whole family is there on the island. When Tom pushes her a little more she storms off. Just then another set of foot prints appear next to Tom.

Back at the house, Sandy is trying to show Tom a magic trick, but Tom really isn’t paying attention. He’s watching out the window for Vi or Meg or maybe footprints, who knows. Sandy is little miffed at Tom so he apologizes.

## Break
## While Tom and Crow are having a chat, Joel is cleaning up a mess they left on the upper level. Joel slips and nearly falls down but is just able to hang on.

Tom and Crow do not seem to eager to help unless Joel gives in to a few of there demands.

Tom sit down at the piano in his bungalow and starts playing. Across the room the record player comes on by itself. It plays the song Tormented by Vi Mason. Tom turns the record off and places it on the coffee table. He goes back to playing when suddenly the record is playing again. This time he grabs the record and breaks it in half. Then there is a knock at the door. It’s just the maid bringing some flowers. Although the maid, Miss Ellis, is blind, she can tell from Tom’s voice that something is wrong. Tom asks her if she believes in ghosts. She tells him a story about a boy and his dog that went missing from another house on the island. People say that they can hear the dog or that the boys old room get really cold and damp. She then tells him that running from something never helps.
That night, Tom is sleeping on the couch and is having nightmares.

He’s back in the lighthouse and keeps seeing Vi’s ghost all over the place. When he wakes up he finds Vi’s watch laying on the coffee table and the light from the lighthouse is on. Tom hurries over there and goes to the top. He starts talking into the night in an attempt to get Vi to leave him alone. He tells her he is marrying Meg and that’s that. When he leaves Vi’s can be heard saying no one else will ever have him.
The next day, Tom is practicing at the piano when Sandy comes to see him. He asks her to tell Meg that he is sorry for his behavior before. Sandy tells him that Meg seems ready to make up. Tom shows Sandy the ring he is going to give to Meg. Sandy wants to try it on. Suddenly a disembodied hand appears with the ring on it but only Tom can see it. Sandy leaves and Tom demands that Vi return the ring.
Tom goes down to the beach and finds Meg. The two of them make up and start talking about their honeymoon and life after the wedding.

## Break
## Joel has made a replica of the lighthouse from the movie. He and the bots take turns deciding which singers they would like to see fall to their death from the lighthouse. Using little dolls, they first pick Kenny Rogers, then the Manhattan Transfer, followed by Loggins and Messina. They pick so many they make a pile at the bottom of the lighthouse.

Tom and Meg (Lugene Sanders) head to the main house and talk with Meg’s mother, Miss Ellis and Sandy. There are all kinds of gifts from well wishers scattered around the room. Suddenly footprints appear and the room starts to get colder. There is also a smell of women’s perfume in the air. Tom and Meg slip into the next room and find Meg’s wedding dress covered in seaweed.

The next day, the maid pays Tom a visit. Tom partially confesses about Vi. He tells her she came to visit but that she left after they had an argument. The maid thinks maybe she is still on the island and might be the one who put the seaweed on the dress.
Miss Ellis (Lillian Adams) leaves and goes to the lighthouse. Her seeing eye dog tries to keep her from going inside but she does anyway. She calls out to Vi and asks her to come out and talk to her. When Vi (Juli Reding) doesn’t answer she starts climbing the stairs. She can hear what sounds like a woman laughing so she climbs all the way to the top. She continues to call out to her on the way. She reaches the top and nearly falls through the open railing. Miss Ellis now seems to realize that Vi is a ghost.
Back at the main house, Meg’s father has arrived. After greeting everyone he asks about Tom. Seems he is not to fond of his daughter marrying a musician, let alone a jazz musician.
Despite being told not too, Sandy goes to check out the lighthouse. She opens the door but it slams shut and a guest of wind blows her little hat off. She chases it down and finds a bracelet laying underneath it, of course its Vi’s. Sandy gets a good look at it when suddenly a man comes up behind her. He’s looking for Tom. Sandy (Susan Gordon) knows all about stranger danger and doesn’t tell him anything. The man walks away to continue his search. He walks right into Tom’s place and start looking around. Tom asks him to leave but he says that she owes him a “fin”. Tom is total confused. Turns out the guy is a ferry boat driver. He brought Vi to the island and she was supposed to pay him five dollars for the ride but she never came back so he came there to collect. In a pickle now, Tom decides to pay the man the five dollars just to get him to leave. Sure enough, it works.
Miss Ellis stops at a beachfront restaurant for a little bite to eat. The cook mentions that the chickens on the island have stopped laying eggs. The only other time that has happened was when that boy went missing. You remember, the one Miss Ellis told Tom all about in that earlier scene. While she and the cook chat about the wedding, the nosey ferryman shows up. Realizing that they are talking about the Tom he met earlier, he quickly leaves.
Tom, Meg and family are at the wedding rehearsal when in walks the ferryman. He has a quick conversation with Tom about needing a little more money to keep quiet about Vi.

He decides to come back later to work out a price.
Later that evening, there is a big party. Of course, Tom is playing the piano. Suddenly he sees Sandy with Vi’s bracelet on her arm. She disappears into the crowd of people before Tom can get it from her. When Meg comes by with a drink for him, a photographer takes their picture. It’s an instamatic so it develops right away. When Tom sees it he can’t believe his eyes. Vi’s face is in the picture. Shaken, Tom walks away with the picture and makes himself a drink. Meg is really confused. Tom tries to explain but he’s not making any sense. He shows the picture to her but Vi’s face isn’t in it anymore. What the hell!!!!
That night Meg and Sandy are ready for bed. They talk about the wedding and Tom. Sandy notices a light come from the lighthouse but Meg tells her not worry about it, it just the moonlight reflecting off of it.
The next morning, Tom is practicing at his piano when suddenly he can hear Vi calling his name. He turns to see her disembodied head sitting on the coffee table. Tom seems more annoyed than freaked out now.

Vi tells him he will never get to marry Meg. She starts yelling, “Tom Stewart killed me”. Tom grabs the head, wraps it in a towel and starts to leave. Whoops, he drops her head and it tumbles down the steps. Waiting at the bottom just happens to be the ferryman. He picks up the towel but the head has turned into a bunch of flowers. The ferryman (Joe Turkel) of course, is there for a little more money.

## Break
## Tom and Crow’s heads are sitting on the counter. They star chanting, “Joel Robinson killed us”. They tell him the only way for them to stop haunting him is to turn over Gypsy for a pagan earth ceremony which they hold every Tuesday at eight. Joel is not the least bit scared, so he takes their bodies and leaves. He turns off the lights which gives Tom and Crow quite the scare.

The ferryman has the bracelet Sandy was wearing earlier. He has figured out that Tom has done something with Vi. Tom sees Meg walking up the beach. He and the ferryman quickly leave before she is close enough to see what is going on.
Tom takes his new found buddy to the lighthouse. He demands Tom pay him $5000 to keep quiet. Tom can suddenly hear Vi . She taunts him that he will lose everything if he doesn’t get rid of him just like he did to her.

When Tom tells the ferryman that he isn’t going to pay, the man starts to leave. Tom whacks him over the head with a piece of pipe. The blow kills the man on the spot. Tom drags his body away. Suddenly, Sandy comes walking down the steps of the lighthouse. She has heard the whole thing.
It’s the wedding day. While Meg and her family are getting ready to leave, Sandy is laying on her bed. She is obviously not sure what to do now. She really likes Tom but he did just kill a man.
Her mother calls her into the livingroom to help with Meg’s dress.

Sandy asks Meg if she would still marry Tom even if he did something really bad. Meg says she still would. Sandy goes to get dressed for the wedding.
At the church, Tom is waiting in a side room when Sandy comes to see him. She asks him if a friend did something really bad would he would keep it a secret Tom says good friends protect each other. Even if it was murder, she asks?
The wedding begins and Sandy is in her place next to Meg. The priest delivers his sermon. When he gets to the part about if anyone has an objection, Sandy is about to spill the beans, when the doors to the chapel burst open. All of the candles go out and the flowers all wilt. This brings the ceremony to a quick end.
Still in his tux, Tom goes to the lighthouse. He starts climbing to the top and tells Vi that she has won. He is going to leave the island and run out on Meg. Then he hears footsteps coming up behind him. It’s Sandy. She asks Tom why did he have to kill the ferryman?
Meg and her parents are pretty bummed about the way the wedding went. Meg looks for Sandy to help her get out of her dress but of course she is not there.
Back at the lighthouse, Tom and Sandy are talking. She says she won’t tell anybody about the murder because friends protect each other. Tom knows he is really stuck now. If he had only saved Vi he wouldn’t be in this mess. He gives Sandy a hug and tells her he loves her.

Sandy’s parents are now checking everywhere for her. They notice a light on in the lighthouse and figure they better check it out.
Tom gets Sandy to go to the very top of the lighthouse. As they look out over the railing, Tom starts to give Sandy a push towards the broken railing when he hears Vi again. Suddenly her ghost swoops down on Tom causing him to fall to the rocks below as Sandy watches.
A group of people are gathered on the beach. A man brings a body out of the water. It’s not Tom but Vi. Eventually they also find Tom’s body. They lay his next to Vi. Her arm somehow falls over on top of him. She is also wearing the ring that she stole earlier.

## Joel and the bots are really bummed about the movie. To cheer themselves up they sing about some happier things which seems to help. Down in deep 13, Frank is doing some singing of his own. Of course Dr Forrester blows him up.

Cast

Ricard Carlson stared in many science fiction movies including The Creature From the Black Lagoon and It Came From Outerspace

Lugene Sanders is best remembered for her role of Babs in The Life of Riley

Juli Reding had a hand full of supporting roles in movies and TV in the late 50’s and 60’s.

Susan Gordon was the daughter of the films director, Bert I Gordon. She appeared in The Twilight Zone episode “The Fugitive”, as Jenny, a child with a leg brace who befriends an alien.

Joe Turkel is most famous as Lloyd the bartender in The Shining and Eldon Tyrell in Blade Runner.

Lillian Adams appeared in over 200 movies and TV show starting in the 1950’s all the way to 2012

Best Riffs

## Hey, how many Dalmatians died for that dress?
A hundred and one.

## Sandy’s back and she’s pissed

## “Vi, you lost a lot of weight.”
“Here, let me put a coaster under you.”

It really makes you wonder just what was in those letters Vi had. Tom such bad person. He let Vi die, kills the ferryman and was going to kill Sandy, and he is the films protagonist. All in all I liked this movie and Joel and the bots were really funny.

4 out of 5

humor

Episode 413

Manhunt in Space

Joel mentions that the movie is in black and white. Crow is not thrilled to say the least. Tom doesn’t seem to care. Turns out he is colorblind. Dr Forrester and Frank’s invention is beanbag chair pants.

Joel and the bot’s invention is recycled paper products clothing.

First up, a short.
General Hospital

A doctor and his nurse wife are not getting along. A lady with stomach issues finds out she has a hiatal hernia but her doctor husband doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her.
That’s it.

Manhunt In Space

Space Ranger Reggie is guiding his ship to Casa 7. On board with him is Vena Ray. She is going to visit her brother, Paul, whom is working construction on Casa 7. Suddenly all of the ships controls stop working.

Something or someone has taken control of the ship.
Back on Earth, Rocky Jones is waiting on a video call from his friend Vena Ray. With him is his co-pilot Winky, whom is hoping for a little “gay night life” with some ladies. Instead of Vena, Rocky’s commander calls. He needs to speak to him and Winky. The ladies will have to wait.
The big cheese informs them that a number of cargo space ships from the United Planets have gone missing around Casa 7 including the ship Vena was on. This looks like a job for Space Ranger Rocky Jones and Winky. While Winky gets the ship ready, Rocky goes to visit Professor Newton.
Junior Ranger Bobby is with the professor when Rocky gets to the lab. Rocky agrees to let Bobby come along on the mission. The professor tells Rocky about a new discovery, cold light.

## Break
## The bots are playing soap opera but Joel refuses to play along.

Back out in space, Reggie and Vena are awaiting a rescue. Another ship pulls up and docks with them. Two men come on board but they are not from Casa 7. They are nothing but a bunch of space pirates. They quickly work over Reggie and one of them starts searching the cargo.

Vena squirts something on one of the pirates faces and she and Reggie are able to regain control of the ship.
While Vena points a “space gun” at the pirates, Reggie goes to their ship to try and radio Casa 7. Uh oh, there are two more pirates on the other ship and they easily subdue Reggie. The leader of the group, Rinkman, uses his space gun to get the drop on Vena.
Turns out Vena is very familiar with Rinkman. He’s a low down, dirty rotten, bad guy. He tells her that Reggie and her will be stuck on the ship, orbiting Casa 7 for ever. Rinkman also explains that Dr. Vanko is responsible for the technology they used to disable their ship. Oh and one last thing, don’t expect Rocky Jones to come to the rescue. Rinkman set up a decoy ship that will explode when Rocky finds it. Vena is pretty steam about all of this.
Once Rinkman and the rest of the pirates leave, it’s just Reggie and Vena left to contemplate their impending doom. That’s when Vena suggests they have some lunch.
Rocky, Winky and Bobby are in their space ship, approaching Casa 7 when they spot another space ship.

Somehow they figure out that it’s a decoy, so they just blow it up anyway.
They travel on and spot another ship. Since they are not sure what ship it is they approach it with caution. This time it’s Reggie and Vena’s ship. They dock with the ship and come aboard. After a brief rundown of the events leading up to this point, they land on Casa 7. Paul is waiting for Vena when they land.

## Break
## Joel and the bots joke about how the movie uses the modifier “space” all the time to try to make this sound futuristic. Joel reminds everyone: Modifiers, they can be your friend or your enemy.

Rocky is trying to figure out who is really behind all of this pirate stuff. They must have some sort of base of operations nearby he speculates, like the planet Prah. Winky and Paul remind him that no one has ever successfully landed there on account of some sort of defensive shield. Rocky is sure that he can land there, they just need to leave before Billy and Vena find out about it.
Turns out someone is on Prah, Rinkman and his pirate pals. They make a call to Queen Queolanta of Ophecius. Looks like she is the master mind of the operation. Rickman tells her that Rocky Jones is on the case and the two of them squabble over how to deal with him. The queen is so pissed off that she orders one of her men to have Rinkman and Dr Vanko executed.
Out in space, Rocky and Winky are nearing Prah. Time to deploy the cold light gizmo that Professor Newton gave them.

The cold light thing is supposed to work like the reverse of heat causing a mirage, cold can make things invisible. They throw the switch and the ship disappears. Since Rinkman and company can’t see the ship, the ship is able to get past the defensive shield and land, but they can still hear it.
Rinkman and Dr Vanko stand next to the loading platform looking for the ship. Suddenly Rocky Jones appears in front of them. He warns them to stop all of the pirate stuff or else. Rinkman’s men jump Rocky and quickly subdue him, then put him in a cave for safe keeping.
Rinkman notifies Queen Queolanta that Rocky has been captured. She is so happy about this she calls off their executions and decides to pay Prah a visit.
Although they put Rocky in a cave, they forgot to frisk him. He contacts Winky, who is still on the invisible ship, and updates him on the situation. Winky wants to help but Rocky orders him to stay put.
Rinkman comes to the cave to make a deal.

He will let Rocky go in exchange for the cold light thingy. In fact, he wants Rocky to join up with him as a space pirate. Rocky has been to more than one rodeo and is able fool Rinkman into thinking Winky is behind him. Rocky fights his way out of the cave and makes it back to the ship. He and Winky blast off and head back to Casa 7 just before the Queen’s ship arrives.
Rocky and Winky approach Casa 7 and radio for instructions. Space Traffic Controller Ken tells them where to land, then he makes a call of his own. It’s to Rinkman on Prah! Ken is a double agent!
Queen Queolanta is with Rinkman and she is not happy about Rocky Jones escaping. She wants Rocky recaptured and Casa 7 captured as well. They can use Ken to mess up their defenses.
Meanwhile, Rocky and Winky safely arrive on Casa 7

## Break
## Joel and the bots are chatting about the movie when Winky calls them through the hex-field screen. He tries to tell them about the hot chicks he’s dating but Joel and the bots aren’t buying it.

Paul tells Rocky that he suspects that someone is tipping off Rinkman about the cargo ships. He’s pretty sure it’s a Martian named Hagar Nu that used to work with Ken but has disappeared. Ken of course is sitting right next to them when they are having their conversation.
Meanwhile, Winky is with Vena and Billy and he is singing a lullaby to Billy, who quickly nods off.

Rocky stops by and tells everyone he is going to go work on their spaceship for a while.
Before Rocky gets there, Ken has contacted Rinkman. He informs him that he has disabled Casa 7’s defenses so it is safe for them to land. To keep Rocky from leaving he also turned on the cold light thing on his ship so Rocky can’t find it.
Rocky comes strolling in and asks Ken where is his spaceship. When Ken proves to be no help he decides to go outside and look for it. Ken decides to bash Rocky over the head with a pipe which crushes Rocky’s skull, killing him. He takes Rocky’s lifeless body and put him on the invisible spaceship.
Wait, turns out Rocky isn’t dead after all. He comes to and his tied up with the missing Hagar Nu.

Rocky puts two and two together and figures out Ken is the traitor. Immediately Rocky starts trying to get untied.
Rinkman and his band of pirates land on Casa 7. They quickly set about taking over the place. First stop, Paul Ray’s place. A rousing fist begins but Paul, Winky, Vena and Billy are easily captured.
After a lot of work, Rocky is able to slip out of his bonds and free Hagar Nu as well. He heads outside and notices Ken has left a mark on the landing platform that the invisible spaceship is sitting on. Rocky erases it and makes the same mark on a different platform. Sure enough this maneuver fools Ken and Rinkman into thinking Rocky has left with the ship.
While Rinkman goes to get his captives and take them to his ship, Ken goes back to the control booth where Rocky is waiting for him. After another brief fistfight, Rocky is able to get Ken’s space gun.

Hagar Nu meanwhile plants some explosives on the bottom of Rinkman’s ship.
Rocky takes Ken to the invisible spaceship but not before Ken is able to warn Rinkman. He ties Ken up in the same place he was earlier. Hagar Nu tells Rocky about the explosives and Rocky is appalled. He wants Rinkman alive so they can be married. Whoop, so he can answer for his crimes.
Rocky goes to Paul’s places and finds no one there. Rocky quickly hides as Rinkman comes in. He calls the crew on his ship and tells them to blast off, the queen is sending a bunch of soldiers to take over Casa 7. Rocky realises that the ship his friends is on is going to blow up. He gets past Rinkman and hurries to the platforms.
Dr Vanko tries to fire up the rocket engines but they won’t work. Rinkman hurriedly calls the ship and warns them Rocky is on his way there. He orders them to get Rocky.
Another fistfight get underway which includes a some how freed Winky.

The good guys win with Paul, Vena and Billy also getting free. Seem Billy was able to use his pen knife to free them all. Winky was also able to disconnect the fuel pump, which is why the ship couldn’t lift off. Rocky tells Paul about the two ships full of soldiers on its way. Paul says he will blast them before they can land.
Rocky and Winky load the pirates up on their spaceship and head back to earth. Winky wants to call Betty back on Earth to see if she is still waiting for him. He tells Rocky he will check to see if she had a friend.

## Joel has turned Crow into a guitar and Tom into an amplifier. He sings a lullaby like the one Winky sang. Tom and Crow do not particularly like this set up. Down in Deep 13, Dr Forrester and Frank are stuck in there bean bag chair pants. Frank is being very philosophical and Dr Forrester is plotting how to kill him.

Cast
Richard Crane was a B movie actor who made many guest starring role in TV show through out the 50’s and 60’s

Sally Mansfield did some modeling and guest starring on TV shows in the 50’s and 60’s

Scotty Beckett was a child actor who was a regular in the Our Gang series in 1934 an 1935. He later appeared in films with Greta Garbo, Errol Flynn and Carry Grant among many. Beckett later developed drinking and gambling addictions as well as passing bad checks that caused him to get fired from the Rocky Jones series. He died in 1968 at the age of 38 after receiving a serious beating and taking a bunch barbiturates with alcohol.

** Best Riffs

And that’s how cows are inseminated

Look at that effect! Industrial Light and Magic, you’ve done it again!

More letters on how unappealing you are, Sir

Wow, what a bad movie, but the riffs were really good. 3 out of 5

humor

Episode 412

Hercules and the Captive Women

Gypsy really wants to go watch the movie with Joel and the bots. Joel gives in but Tom and Crow aren’t sure it’s a good idea.

Dr Forrester has been on a retreat, learning to relax, so he leaves the invention exchange to Frank. His invention is Lawn Baby, a push lawn mower with a baby seat on it. Unfortunately it’s a little to dangerous for a baby. Joel and the bots invention is the Womb Maid, headphones that fit over a expectant mothers belly and a set of tapes to play.

When the movies starts, sure enough Gypsy is in the theatre.

Hercules and the Captive Women

A narration describes how the city states of Greece are fighting among themselves which is making life rough for its citizens.

Some strange atmospheric event turns the sky red and catches a tree on fire and generally freaks everyone out. All the Greek leaders get together to try to decide what it all means and what to do. They are all sure of one thing, this was an omen of an impending attack.

** Gypsy is so bored by the movie that she decides to leave**

The leaders debate but can’t seem to agree on a plan. Finally Androcles, the king of Thebes, says he will lead an army to defend all of the cities. He asks Hercules, his good buddy, to help.

Next we see a ship sailing on the sea. Then we see Hercules passed out on the deck. Seems he wasn’t keen on going along but his son Hylas put some dope in his drink and well, here we are.

As Hercules begins to wake up, Hylas figures he better hide below deck or face the wrath of his father. This leaves Androcles and his dwarf assistant, Timoteo, steering the ship.
The big guy wakes up and is in a surprising good mood. First thing he notices, besides that he is on a ship at sea, is there are no warriors on the boat. Androcles was unable to convince his generals to let them leave the city, so he was forced to conscribe a bunch of criminals and slaves. Hercules takes all of this in stride and immediately goes back to sleep.

The rag tag bunch sail on for days with nothing happening in search of something. Things are so boring the criminals dump out the fresh water supplies so that the ship is forced to land and search for new supplies.
While the convicts go looking for water, Hercules sleeps on the beach. Androcles is getting severely annoyed by the the lazy bastard so he goes to retrieve the men with the water. They attack him, knock him out and sneak back to the boat. It’s a mutiny. They make it passed the sleeping Hercules and get on the boat.

** Break
** Joel and the bots partake in a little good natured brawling. They really beat the tar out of each other, much to the delight of Dr Forrester and Frank, but they laugh it off in the end.

Next we see Hercules is floating on a piece of the ship. Apparently he made it back to the ship, saved the day, then a storm came and destroyed the ship, leaving Hercules floating around. He sees a vision of Androcles calling for his help. Hercules asks Zeus for help in saving Androcles and he promptly runs in to an island shrouded in fog. He comes ashore and immediately finds a women being held captive. She also appears to be slowly becoming part of the cliff she is attached to.

Hercules starts to rescue her when the god Proteus makes an appearance. Proteus can change form rather quickly. First he is an old man, then a lizard like creature, then a bunch of flames before attacking the big guy as a boa constrictor. Hercules tosses it away but Proteus keeps changing and fighting. No matter, Hercules is eventually able to vanquish the crafty Proteus. This frees the lady chained to the rocks.

Turns out the women he rescued was left as a sacrifice to Proteus by her people so that he would not destroy them. Her home is Atlantis. A breeze blows all of the fog away and suddenly you can see Atlantis.

Hercules (Reg Park) and the formerly captive women somehow get to Atlantis. When they arrive there is another sacrificial ceremony going on, only this time it has to do with sacrificing a bunch of kids. Hercules is not amused.

The Atlantians are having a ceremony in their great hall. Their security officer comes in and explains that the fog that normally hides Atlantis is gone. While this is going on, in walks Hercules. Four guards grab him but that’s not going to stop Hercules.

He easily shoves them aside. The guards back off and Queen Antinea asks why has he come to their lands. Hercules brings out the girl he saved earlier. It just so happens that she is Princess Ismene, the queen’s daughter.

Although the queen really likes her daughter, she knows that her safe return means that Atlantis will be destroyed unless Ismene is put to death. Understandably, Ismene is not really thrilled about this but rules are rules the queen tells her. She has her taken away.

Hercules is strolling around the palace, when he sees Androcles at the end of a long hallway, but when he reaches him it turns out to be someone else. This gives Herc the willies. Queen Antinea (Fay Spain) happens by and assures him that Androcles is not on the island. Nope, not on the island at all.

Guess who is on the island, Hylas and Timoteo. They are relaxing on the beach when a group of soldiers ride up. Hylas and Timoteo hide. The soldiers have Princess Ismene with them. They tie her to a tree so she can be executed. Hylas just can’t let that happen so, from his hiding place, he slings a few rocks and knocks out a couple of the guards. He and Timoteo attack the remaining ones but unfortunately one gets away. Hylas and Timoteo rescue the princess. Hylas is rather smitten with the perpetually tied up young lady.

Ismene, in spite of being rescued is not all that happy. She figures she will be captured again anyway. She tells them that Hercules saved her once already. Hylas is pretty thrilled his dad is alive.

Speaking of dad, Hercules is unsurprisingly lounging around the palace with the queen watching some entertainment.

The queen wants Herc to stay with her but he really must be going, what with Androcles missing and all.

** Break
** Joel and Tom are playing Trivial Pursuit. Crow found a book on the history of the gods. He reads the entry about Hercules which has some “interesting facts” about how dumb Hercules is as well as how Hylas turned out to be loser. Of course, Crow actually made it all up.

The queen gives Hercules a glass of wine to try to help him relax but old Herc is no dummy. He figures the wine is laced with some crap that will make him fall in love, yada yada. After “drinking it”, Hercules staggers around and then passes out. The queen is please by this and leaves him to sleep it off. Hercules spits out the wine when she is gone.

The soldier that got away from Hylas and Timoteo makes in back to the queen, who promptly has him executed by her elite black clad guards.

The queen also has a little surprise. She has had Androcles held captive all a long.

Wow! Who could have saw that coming. Thinking that she has Hercules on her side, she orders Androcles, who is unconscious, to be taken out with some other prisoners to die. Then she has a full on hissy fit and demands the they find and kill her daughter.

Meanwhile Hercules sneaks out of his room, steals a horse and rides away looking for adventure. The queen eventually notices he is missing and starts a search for him.

Hylas and Timoteo are walking around with the princess in tow, when a group guards approach them, so they quickly hide. The guards are taking Androcles to where ever it is they are taking him. Following close behind them is Hercules. He rides past before Hylas can get his attention. Hylas and company are forced to follow on foot.

The guards take Androcles to a deep pit filled with a bunch a prisoners, then lowers him down into the pit.
Hercules sees all of this from high above over looking the pit. Eventually Timoteo finds him and Hylas is reunited with his father. With the princess watching, Hercules and Hylas rescue the men in the pit.

Androcles is with them but he is still unconscious. The men tell Hercules a story. It’s about a magic rock that turns children into invincible warriors but some become weak and disfigured. Guess which one the prisoners are. Hercules instructs Hylas to wait with the other prisoners until he gets back. He and one of the prisoners ride off to do something to the stone.

As soon as Hercules leaves, the remaining prisoners decide its time for revenge, so they grab some big rocks and head for the palace to crack a few skulls. Hylas tries to stop them but it’s no use.

Hercules and his compatriot reach the cave where the mysterious rock is. Hercules watches as the prisoner approaches the hole with the rock in it and he bursts into flames. This of course kind of freaks out the big guy.
A priest appears and explains that the stone is made from the blood of Uranus, the god not the planet. Queen Antinea is using the stone to build an army to conquer the earth. Hercules figures that’s a pretty good reason to destroy it. The priest rambles on about only a certain kind of guy can can destroy it and what not. Of course, Hercules is just that kind of guy, but only the sun’s rays can truly destroy it. Hercules must make a hole in the roof of the cave so the sun can do it’s job.

The former prisoners make it to the palace and for a short time get the upper hand on the guards, but not for long. Queen Antinea calls out the super army and quickly puts an end to the rebellion. By the time Hercules makes it to the palace all of them are dead.

Hercules confronts the queen and demands to know where Hylas and Androcles are at. The queen has spared them both because she is in love with the big galoot. She wants him by her side when she conquers the world. She shows him her army and tells of how they are invincible. Hercules is not impressed and begins to fight them. Eventually there are just too many of them and he is forced against a wall before falling through a trap door.

** Break
** Tom and Crow have made a Hercules action figure. It can throw big boulders and lay around and sleep a lot. It also talks but it just mentions how sleepy he is

Hercules falls into a pit where he finds Hylas. After an all to brief reunion, a strange mist begins to engulf the whole pit and the roof starts to come down. This is a job for Hercules. He calmly pushes the giant slab up on its side, giving the two of them escape route. They climb out, beat up a guard and find a passageway that leads into the palace and another that leads to the sea. Hercules instructs Hylas to head for the sea and go home. Hercules goes towards the palace but Hylas of course isn’t going home. He steals the armour and helmet from the guard and goes in search of princess Ismene, since she has been captured again.
Hercules meanwhile, grabs a chariot

and gets chased by a bunch of guards. They ride around in some underground passage until Hercules sets his chariot on fire and sends it back towards the guards. Many of them are killed in the fire and still some more are killed when Hercules causes a cave in.

Hylas locates Timoteo. Ismene and Androcles are tied up on a nearby ship that is going to be set on fire so they can be sacrificed. Hylas, still dressed as a guard take Timoteo to the ship as another sacrifice.

Hercules is back in the cave where he busts a hole in the top and lets in some sunlight. The light shines next to the stone but it will eventually move to it. With that done, he heads for the sea.

Hylas is able to take over the ship. Hercules swims out to meet it, as the sunlight reaches the Uranus stone.

Boom, things start blowing up and collapsing all over Atlantis, causing it to crumble into the sea.

Androcles wakes up and doesn’t remember anything. Hercules tells him he saved Greece which they both find really funny. Ismene and Hylas share a passionate kiss as the movie ends.

** Joel and the bots celebrate making it through the last of the Hercules movies. Down in Deep 13, Frank gets run over by his lawn mower invention.

Cast

Reg Park was Mr Universe in 1951, 1958 and 1965. He was also a mentor to Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fay Spain was a B-movie bad girl throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s. One of her last movie rolls ways a part in The Godfather II

Best Riffs

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If that map burns it’ll be a GREECE fire!

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I love it when men and lizards fight over me.

It’s a Hercules movie so it’s boring as always and just a really convoluted plot. I still give it 3 out of 5 though.