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Episode 202

The Sidehackers (1969)

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**The bots seem a little cranky after getting a bath and Joel is getting frustrated. For the invention exchange Joel has a slinky he exposed to ultra violet light. The Mad’s have there own version of a slinky. Time for the movie.

Dirt bikes, complete with side-cars, are having a race. The winning driver, Rommel (Ross Hagen) get a congratulatory kiss from his girlfriend, Rita (Diane McBain). We are then treated to several minutes of the couple strolling and playing amongst the hills professing their love for each other. Rita gives Rommel a small lock that she wants him to wear. Sort of like an engagement ring.
Later Rommel is working on a bike in his garage with his partner Luke (Dick Merrifield). Another biker named JC shows up needing some work done. His girl Paisley seems interested in Rommel. Rommel invites her, JC and the rest of his gang to come watch him race. Rommel ends up winning the thrilling event.

**First break
**Joel and the bots sing a song about side hacking.
Sidehacking is the thing to do.
And it doesn’t hurt to have low IQ
Take a life you like and a little love
The big band prize is twenty-five bucks
Sidehacking will quench your danger thirst
The stupid ones always seem to come in first

Sidehacking is one big bash
The favorite sport of cheap white trash
When your on the sidehack make sure you don’t slip
You’ll end up with five metal pins in your hip
Learn way back till you scrape your butt
Make it look like a quarter pound of ground chuck

It’s a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools
A lot of people get hurt cause there ain’t no rules
All you need is a toxic landfill
A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill
Better get the sport cause it won’t last long
The founders of this sport are laid at forest lawn
Back to the movie.

JC (Michael Pataki) really enjoyed the race and wants to use it in his traveling show. Over beers at Rommel’s place JC tries to convince Rommel and Rita to go on the road with him. When Rommel turns him down JC gets angry and leaves. Paisley confronts JC about his antics and he punches her in the stomach.
Luke and Rommel finish the repairs on JC’s bike and one of his underlings picks it up. Sudden Paisley (Claire Polan) shows up trying to get close to Rommel but he turns her down. She leaves in a huff.
We are then forced to watch a revolting scene of Rita and Rommel getting all frisky with each other. Blah!
Feeling rejected Paisley makes it look like she was assaulted and tells JC that Rommel did it. Angered, JC and company go to Rommel’s place.

**Second break
**Joel and the bots try to come up with some terminology to use to describe sidehacking.
Movie Sign!

Rommel awakens after getting beat up to find Rita is gone. Apparently she has been killed. We are then forced to watching Rommel walk around longing for Rita while having to listen to an insipid song.
Rommel decides to try and find JC and kill him. Luke tries to talk him out of it but can’t. After scrounging up some money, Rommel hires a couple of guys to help get JC. One of them turns out to be working for JC and is setting him up. Rommel and his crew are waiting until morning to attack when he realizes he us being double crossed.

**Third break
**Joel and the bots are talking about how cool Rommel is but keep remembering what happened to Rita. JC talked to them on the view screen. Then they realize there is more of the movie to watch.

JC instructions his mole to lure Rommel to the old quarry. JC then tries to get all romantic with Paisley. When she rejects him he chokes her to death.
Rommel and the rest of his group capture the spy. Luke shows up. After talking it over Luke heads off to get the police but Rommel goes to the quarry anyway. JC has a small army waiting for him. The battle begins and one by one each team losses side characters until only JC and Rommel are left. After a lengthy fist fight, JC finds a gun and kills Rommel just as the police arrive.

**Joel and the bots (including Gypsy) sing “only love pads the film” in the style of the sappy song from the movie. The song brings Frank to tears. Dr F still has trouble getting Frank to push the button.

Ross Hagen was sometimes know as the poor man’s Steve McQueen. He starred in a lot of biker oriented movies including The Mini-Skirt Mob,  Speedway and Hell Cats.

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Diane McBain also appeared in The Mini-Skirt Mob as well as Thunder Alley and Spinout with Elvis.
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Michael Pataki has appeared in many films.  One of his best know parts was playing Nicoli Koloff, the Soviet boss, in Rocky IV.
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Dick Merrifield also appeared with Ross Hagen in Hell Cats.
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Claire Polan was Ross Hagen’s wife and his long time film partner.
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This movie is dreadful. It wasn’t even enjoyable on a bad movie level. For a movie called Sidehacking there wasn’t much of it in the film.
This is one of my least favorite episodes. If it wasn’t for the sidehacking song I would have given this a one.

Best riffs.
#They stoled his dimes!
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# We used to come here to club seals together
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#I remember when they used to shoot movies in Orange Julius-Scope…
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# Uh, Toni Tennille wants her hat back.
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This episode gets a 2 out of 5.

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