Episode 313

Earth vs the Spider
(With the short Speech – using your voice)

** Crow has a talk show called “Inside the Robot Mind” and his guest is Tom Servo. The show doesn’t go very far because the two of them keep complimenting each other. The Mads invention is a cheese phone but they stole the idea from Joel. He invents a cd player hair dryer so he can blow dry his hair while blowing his mind.

A young salesman is trying to convince a customer to make a purchase. He rambles on very quickly and loses the sale. A man then explains that many sales are lost because of poor speech. He says that you need to be heard, understood and pleasing.

We then see several examples of poor public speaking. The man says each of these people’s problem can be traced back to carelessness. This is followed by closeups of people’s mouths speaking as well as examples of proper speaking. The man finishes up with some more advice on using your speaking voice properly.


A man is driving a pickup truck down a highway at night. He picks up a gift box from the seat. In it is a bracelet for his daughter, Carol. Suddenly he sees something in the road. The man slams on his brakes but he is struck in the face by what ever it was and crashes his truck.
The next day Carol is walking to school when her friend Mike comes up to her. He hands her a gift.

It’s Carol’s birthday. Carol is worried since her father didn’t come home last night. Mike tries to reassure her that nothing is wrong since it isn’t the first time he hasn’t come home. Carol doesn’t take kindly to the implication and tells Mike to take his present back. She runs off in a huff to class.
Later the two of them are in Mr. Kingman’s science class. Carol isn’t mad at Mike anymore so she asks him to help look for her father. They borrow a friends car and drive along the same highway after school. The come across some sort of rope attached to a tree and some broken glass in the road. Carol (June Kenney) finds a gift box on the ground. Its the one that her father had. Mike keeps trying to come up with explanations for what happened when they see her father’s truck down an embankment. They scramble down to take a look but there is no sign of her father.

Mike thinks maybe he went into a nearby cave so they start heading for it.

** Break
** Crow has written a screen play in hopes of getting rich if they ever get back to earth. It’s called “Earth vs Soup”. He gets Joel and Tom to read out some lines to see if it’s any good. Needless to say it’s not very good.

Mike walks up to the cave and finds Carol’s father’s hat. He hides it from her so she does get upset. They both start into the cave but Mike suggests he should go. Carol follows him anyway.
As they head in deeper, Carol calls for her dad. Her yelling causes a stalactite to break loose. It nearly slams into her. Luckily Mike pulled her out of the way. They continue on and come across several full human skeletons.

Carol can’t bear the thought that one might be her dad so they keep looking. Just a little further they both fall off a ledge into a giant net but this net is kind of sticky. It’s like the rope they found earlier. Suddenly they hear some strange noises. Then they see it. A giant tarantula and it’s coming right at them. They scramble their way out of what is now obviously a web and high tail it out of there.
They take a piece of the web to Mr. Kingman’s house. He and his wife are not sure of what make of the kids story. Mr. Kingman calls sheriff Cagle. He is already aware of the spider story, since Mike and Carol had stopped there first, but he didn’t believe them.

Kingman (Ed Kemmer) convinces the sheriff to at least search the area for Carol’s father. He also tells him get a bunch of DDT just in case. Cagle thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
A large group of locals joins the sheriff to search the area near the cave. Mike, Carol and Kingman are there as well as some pest control guys. Everyone heads into the cave and starts searching. After a few minutes the sheriff starts mocking the whole proceedings. He gets everyone laughing except for Kingman. He thinks there is something in the cave. He mentions there are no birds or other animals in the cave. Just then a bat flies over head so Cagle, being a good sheriff, fires several shots at. Down comes the bat. In your face science boy.

Mike (Eugene Persson) and Carol walk ahead of the group a bit. Carol lets out a scream and everyone comes running. It’s her father and he is very dead. Dispite the fact that all the blood has been sucked out from his body, the sheriff still doesn’t think it’s the work of a spider. He and Kingman try to find the web those crazy kids said they saw. When he sees it, Cagle (Gene Roth) calls for the DDT. They start spraying the area which brings the spider out of hiding. They turn the spray on to it as well as firing away with several guns. The tarantula is able to kill one of the deputies before it collapses dead.
As everyone leaves the cave, Carol realizes she has lost the bracelet he father had got for her. She wants to go back in and find it but she can’t since the cave is filled with DDT now. Mike says he will bring her back later to look for it.
The sheriff wants to board up the entrance to the cave but Kingman wants to get a better look at the spider.

They bicker for a bit but Kingman gets his way. He wants to haul the thing out of there and the sheriff tells him to go right ahead.

** Break
** Joel and the bots have formed a band called the Spiders. They are dressed up and ready to rock but can’t decide what type of music to play. Suddenly another ship pulls along side them. It’s an intergalactic janitor and he not putting up with their shenanigans. When he gets called away to some other problem the gang is finally ready to rock but then it’s movie sign.

The spider is brought to the school gymnasium so Mr. Kingman can study it. While he and the principal are looking at it, one of the spiders legs moves and knocks the principal over. Kingman assures him it’s dead and it was just a twitch.
Carol is at home and she is devastated by her father’s death. Her mother tries to comfort her but Carol blames herself. If he hadn’t gone to get her that gift it never would have happened.image

Her mom says it’s time to move on and she tells her Mike called her earlier. She calls him at the movie theater his father owns and convinces him to take her back to the cave to look for the bracelet.
They head over to school to find Joe and borrow his car again. Meanwhile Joe and his band are needing to rehearse for the bid dance tomorrow but they can’t get into the gym. They con Hugo (Hank Patterson) the janitor into letting them in. image

Once they get inside and get a look at the spider, Sam, the bass player, thinks maybe they should leave. Joe gives him a razing and Sam (Skip Young) agrees to stay. They are just about ready to start playing when they hear a shriek. Hugo forgot the lock the door and now all the kids from the drama club have come in. We’ll the band starts playing so the drama kids start dancing.
The music seems to wake up the obviously not dead spider. More shrieking ensues and all the kids run out the door. Hugo comes to see what the commotion is about then rushes to the phone. He calls Kingman but the spider gets him just as he starts talking. Kingman calls the sheriff and they both head for the school. Before leaving, Kingman tells Mrs. Kingman (Sally Fraser) to stay inside with their baby.
Mike and Carol make it to the cave and head inside.
Kingman and the sheriff get to the school and see a bunch of kids running in fear. The Spider comes around the corner and Cagle fires a few shots at it but it keeps on coming.

Kingman jumps in his car and takes off while Cagle tries to head into a nearby business but the door is locked. It looks like the sheriff is a goner but Kingman pulls up and the sheriff jumps in. Everyone in town takes off running as the giant arachnid starts walking around.
Kingman and Cagle make it back to the sheriff’s office. He tries to call the governor for some help but he can’t get through. They send one of the deputies on a motorcycle to try and get some help.
The town is a mess after the spider is through with it. Kingman gets word that it’s heading right towards his home. He drives off after it. Sure enough it attacks his home with the misses and child inside. Kingman slams his car into it and the spider break off the attack and starts after Kingman’s car. He leads it away from town and off into the hills. He is able to give it the slip and then heads back home. He finds his wife and baby are okay. He informs the sheriff that the spider is headed south.
Mike and Carol are searching the old spider cave for her bracelet. The look around the area and finally find it. Oh joy, now they can head home. About this time the spider heads into the cave.
At the sheriff’s office, they are still waiting for help to arrive when Kingman shows up. He’s carrying the body of the deputy that went for help.

Guess he never made it. The sheriff remarks that he had wanted to seal up the cave. Then he glares at Kingman.
One of the residents comes in and tells them the spider is back in the cave. The sheriff orders the road foreman to get some dynamite so they can blow up the entrance. The sheriff asks Mike’s father to hold down the fort while Cagle, Kingman and some others head for the cave. After they leave the phone rings. It’s Joe from the band. He’s looking for Mike and Carol. They haven’t returned with his car yet and he is not sure where they went.

** Break
** Joel and the bots are making Creepy Crawlers. Tom wants to know why they don’t sell these anymore. Joel explains that kids would get hurt on toys like this one and they would have to stop selling them. They list a bunch of other toys that this happened to like lawn darts.

Back in the cave, Mike and Carol are having trouble finding their way out. They both are getting hungry, so Mike splits a candy bar with her. That’s when they hear that strange noise again. They run and hide before the spider gets near them. Outside, the sheriff and his crew start unloading the dynamite. Meanwhile, Mike’s father and Carol’s mom are driving around looking for the two would be spelunkers.
Mike and Carol find their way back to the giant web and start climbing through it.

Carol gets stuck and here comes the spider.
The dynamite is in place, so everyone clears the area. Just then the parents show up. Before they can say anything, boom goes the dynamite and that’s that.
When the dust clears they realize they are going to have to dig the two of them out, so the crew start unloading some digging supplies. Now they are worried the spider will get out again. Kingman has an idea. They can electrocute the spider using the nearby power lines. Time to get some cable.
Inside the cave, Mike and Carol are already dead having been buried in the explosion. What’s this! They’re alive. The two scramble to their feet and head for the entrance. Of course it’s now blocked. The crew outside use some more dynamite to try and blow an escape hole higher up in the cave. Mike and Carol start hollering for help and run towards the explosion. The crew outside can hear them. You know who else heard them. The not dead spider. Mike and Carol look for a place to hide.
The work crew break through and create an opening. They lower a makeshift ladder inside and climb in. They also begin lowering a bunch of the electrical cables while Kingman and the sheriff start searching for the kids. They find them but the spider is between them. They throw one of the cables over to Mike while Kingman holds the other. They turn on the juice and zap the crap out of the spider.

It falls down into a deeper part of the cave. Everyone climbs out of the cave to safety. The sheriff drops one last load of dynamite into the hole and seals it up for good.

** Joel had Tom and Crow do some home work on director Bert I Gordon. Tom gives a well researched report while Crow tries to tie Gordon to Orson Wells. Down in deep 13, Frank is sick from eating all the cheese.

Ed Kemmer starred in the television show Space Patrol from 1951 to 1956

June Kenney appeared in many low-budget films like this one through out the 1950s. 

Eugene Persson left acting a short time after this movie and began producing plays. He co-produced and co-created You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown in 1967.

Gene Roth appeared in many Three Stooges features.

Sally Fraser appeared in Episode 311 “It Conquered the World”

Skip Young played  Wally Plumstead in The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. 

Hank Patterson played Hank Miller on Gunsmoke for more than a decade and Fred Ziffel on Petticoat Junction and Green Acres. His great-niece is actress Téa Leoni.

Best Riffs

## Carol, “Mike I’m scared of being alone”
Oh aren’t we all?

## It says danger weak plot ahead this means you.

## Dial 1-900-boring-boyfriend. He’d love to talk to you about his uncle from Milwaukee.

## What’s your problem?

## Sheriff, “You want to go for it in the truck Simpson? ”

I really enjoyed this episode. The host segments were good and the riffs are really solid. The only draw back is the short which is kind of bland. If the movie, which is a great 50’s B-Movie was longer that might help. But then again there is no way this movie should be any longer. 4 out of 5.

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