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Episode 321

Santa Claus Concurs the Martians 

Joel and the bots are looking at Christmas catalogues. Tom wants an inflatable Ted Williams bath pillow. Gypsy wants a pony while Crow wants to decide who lives and who dies. 

Dr Forrester and Frank invented the wish squisher. Joel and the bots make some toys for the island of misfit toys. 

KIDTV has a tv crew at Santa’s workshop. The reporter, Mr Anderson (Ned Wertimer), takes a look around the factory floor and talks to Santa and Mrs Claus. Watching all this on TV are two mesmerized children, but they are not earth children. They are Martian children named Girmar and Bomar. Their father, Kimar, thinks they are watching too much earth television. He also scolds Dropo, his lazy assistant, for sleeping while he was supposed to be working. 

Kimar and another Martian named Volmar consults a wise old Martian named Chochem for advice. He tells them that the strict Martian way has kept the children from being normal children. They need to learn how to play. They need Santa Claus!!!! Then all of the sudden, poof! The old man disappears. 

Volmar thinks the whole idea is idiotic but Kimar decides they should go and bring Santa back to Mars. They fire up the old spaceship and head for earth. They spot several Santa’s standing outside of some department stores. Suddenly they find Dropo hiding on the ship. He stowed away so he could see earth. Kimar is pissed but can’t deal with him now. They decide to land the ship near a lake. 

** Break 

** Crow has written a new Christmas Carol, Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas. The three of them give it a try but it’s filled with some rather violent themes. 

After landing, Kimar, Volmar and another Martian find a little boy and girl, Billy and Betty, hanging out in the woods.

They grab them and learn that the real Santa is at the North Pole. They fly the ship to Santa’s workshop and prepare to kidnap the jolly old man. 

Dropo was supposed to be watching after the earth children but they are able to get away and sneak off to try and warn Santa. Kimar and crew set out to find the old man’s workshop when they realize the kids have escaped. Volmar goes after them. Just as he is about to find them a polar bear scares him away. It tries to go after Billy and Betty but it can’t reach them. 

The Martians send out their robot Torg. It quickly finds the children. Volmar wants it to kill the little brats but Kimar programed it to only obey him. He has the two of them taken back to the ship. 

The Martians find Santa’s workshop and send Torg in to get him. 

** Break 

** Tom and Crow are suffering from Christmas depression. Luckily Joel tricked Frank into sending up a few tapes of classic Christmas shows along with a couple not so good ones. 

The elves try to stop Torg but he effortlessly gets passed them. Santa thinks Torg is just another toy. He starts to look him over and Torg just stops in his tracks. Kimar and the other Martians burst in. 

They freeze the elves with some sort of weapon and tell Chris Kringle they are taking him to Mars. They even freeze Mrs Claus when she walks in on them. 

When words gets out that Santa has been kidnapped, the UN and the space agency try and figure some way of get the red suited man back. They quickly launch a rocket to try and track them down. 

On the Martian ship, Santa keeps Billy and Betty company with Christmas stories. He even gets some of the Martians laughing, but not Volmar. He thinks Santa’s a menace. 

Earlier, Billy had disabled their radar shield, so the earth ship was able to follow them. Now Volmar is pissed. He takes Santa and the kids to the airlock and tries to send them into space. When Kimar finds out what Volmar has done, the two get into a fight. Suddenly Santa and the kids come walking in. Seems Old Nick used a little magic to get them out of the airlock. Kimar puts Volmar in the brig until they reach Mars. After they land Volmar is able to escape by out foxing Dropo. 

Kimar takes Santa and the kids to his home. He introduces them to his children, Bomar and Girmar (Pia Zadora). At first they not sure what to make of the jolly old earth man but soon they start laughing along with everyone else. 

Volmar is hiding out in a cave with a couple of conspirators. Figuring they can’t get near Santa Claus, they instead plot to ruin his reputation. They will sneak into Santa’s new toy factory that Kimar built and mess up the toys. 

At the factory, Santa is bored. Everything is automated so he is reduced to pushing buttons all day. They finish production for the day, go back to Kimar’s home and get some sleep. Dropo is really interested in Santa’s suit. He tries on a spare one and realizes he needs to have a bigger belly for it to fit. He stuffs a pillow inside and there you have it. Dropo Claus. 

Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) decides to head to the factory to make some toys. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots all read an essay about Christmas. Each of them is pretty cynical. Only Gypsy seems to have the holiday spirit. 

Volmar and his cohorts break into the factory and mess with the controls.

 Just as they finish, Dropo comes in singing Jiggle Bells. They think he is the real Santa, so they grab him and haul him back to their hide out. Volmar is sure that the next day everyone will see Santa’s toys as junk and they will finally get rid of the fat man. 

The next morning Momar and Kimar can’t find Dropo. They figure out that he must have taken Santa’s extra suit and gone to the factory. When they all reach factory, they can’t find him. They start production anyway. Immediately they notice all the toys are screwed up. They realize they machine has been tampered with. 

Volmar and company still think they have the real Santa, so he and a helper go to confront Kimar. He shows them they don’t have the real Santa and captures them. Unfortunately they are able to disarm Kimar and knock him out. Billy overhears Volmar plot to get Santa so he warns him. 

Volmar burst in and kids pelt him with toys. 

Dropo shows up, Kimar wakes up and the bad guys are captured again. Santa thinks Dropo would make a good Martian Santa. Billy, Betty and the real Santa head back to earth in time for Christmas Eve. 
** Joel lets the bots open their stockings. Gypsy got a framed picture of Richard Basehart. Frank and Dr Forrester also exchanged gifts. 

Bill McCutcheon won an Emmy Award for his work on Sesame Street as Uncle Wally.

This was Pia Zadora’s first film role in her short acting career. She later went on to have some success singing 

Ned Wertimer appeared in over 100 TV shows but is best known as the doorman Ralph Hart on the TV show The Jeffersons

Best Riffs 

## Dear Hair Club for Men….

## Just in case, where are your nitroglycerin pills 

##”Hello. Santa” Get the hell outta my shop! 

This is a difficult one to judge. The movie is horrible and really tough to sit through but the episode is such a classic. I have to give it 3 out of 5.

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