humor

Episode 410

Hercules against the Moon Men

Tom and Crow have decided to run away from home and live on the other side of the ship. They get about 50 feet away when they change their minds and come back.
Frank and Dr Forrester remind Joel and the bots about The Lost Continent and the boring rock climbing scene. They then mention a sandstorm, which is some sort of reference to the upcoming film.
For the invention exchange Joel and bots have Super Freak Out. Frank and Dr Forrester’s invention is part of the film and “Deep Hurting”.

Hercules against the Moon Men

A voiceover explains a meteor struck the mountain of Samar causing it to erupt and burn everything around it. Giant monsters began to live on the mountain and terrorize the people of Samar, forcing them to offer their children as sacrifice.
This is followed by a confusing scene of not so young children being forced walk to the mountain. A door in the mountain opens and the children are shoved in.
Next an elder statesman, Gladius, pleads with Queen Samara to stop the sacrifices but she is having none of it.

He tells her of a man that can help them defeat the monsters but she sends him away.
Of course that man is Hercules. We see him riding a horse in search of something when a group of men attack him. Hercules has no trouble dispatching his attackers.
Back with the queen in her bed chamber, the winds starts blowing and it gets very dark. Suddenly a figure appears in her room.

It is Redolphis. He is the leader of the Moon Men that are the actual monsters on the mountain. It seems they came to earth on the meteor that hit the mountain earlier. They need the sacrifices to help revive their queen. In return for helping them, they will make Queen Samara the most power women in the world.
Next is a scene with Darix and the queen’s sister, Selene. The two are in love and wish to be married but they need to get the queen’s permission first.
Hercules is riding again when a young girl named Agar stops him. She helps him sneak into Samar. Hercules meets with Gladius and agrees to help the people of Samar defeat the monsters. The queen was spying on the conversation and vows to stop them. Hercules and Gladius try to slip out through a series of tunnels but Gladius is killed by a booby trap

and Hercules falls through a trap door. The pit he is in begins to fill with water.

** Break
** Joel is going to perform a booby trap illusion with a bunch of knives but the bots can’t stop saying booby. The trick works but Joel seems to have sprung a leak.

Hercules is able to escape the pit but then is attacked by an ape like creature. It’s no problem for Hercules as he tosses the creature around with ease. Agar helps Hercules out of the tunnel.
The queen is flabbergasted when she finds out Hercules (Alan Steel) has escaped. She vows to capture him and punish him for the problems he has caused her.
Selene asks her sister for permission to marry Darix.

The queen gives her consent but she knows Darix is part of the growing resistance movement. She tells Selene she needs Darix for a diplomatic mission and they can get married when he returns. She has no intention of letting Darix live to marry Selene.
Hercules and Agar locate the members of the resistance. They begin to hatch a plan to defeat the mountain monsters.
The next day, Darix says goodbye to Selene and heads off for his mission. Agar warns Selene that he may be heading into a trap but that she is sure that Hercules will help. I’m sure he has nothing else to do. Of course, the big guy agrees to help. Agar gives him a little kiss before he leaves.
The guards that were accompanying Darix turn on him. They shoot him with an arrow then start attacking him. Hercules shows up and beats the hell out them before whisking Darix away.

They find a local healer to nurse Darix back to health.

** Break
** Joel gives the bots upper body muscle implants. Crow decides to call himself Dax Tungsten. Tom has too much trouble coming up with a good name, so his body rejects the implants.

The healer warns Hercules to be careful with the queen. She has a special love potion that will make any man fall in love with her. Hercules gets ready to leave when a group of palace guards show up to take the man’s daughter to be sacrificed. Hercules fights them off but he knows more will come so he takes Darix and the healers family to a hiding place.

Agar finds them and tells Hercules that the guards have taken others to the mountain for sacrifice. Hercules to the rescue again.
He tracks down the group and attacks the guards but it turns out to be a trap. They throw a net over Hercules which for some reason he is unable to break free of.
While this is going on, the queen takes Selene with her to a cave to meet someone. It’s the moon men. They see their queen and then Redolphis appears. The moon queen looks just like Selene. It dawns on Selene that she is not getting out of there alive. She tries to make a run for it but Repolphis raises his hand and a bunch of giant rock monsters emerge from the cave walls.

Selene is easily captured then.
Redolphis explains that Selene will be sacrificed the next day when there will be a great planetary alignment and earth will no long support human life. Queen Samara will be spared, her beauty will last forever, and she will be as powerful as Redolphis but only if she kills Hercules.
Hercules is put in a large contraption with spikes designed crush him to death.

With the queen and Agar watching, Hercules is able to hold back the large plates long enough until the ropes brake and the whole thing falls apart. Time for plan B.
Samar has Hercules brought to her chamber. With the two of them alone she asks why doesn’t he kill her. He tells her he wants to stay with her.

Just to make sure Samar puts some of her love potion into a drink, but this isn’t Hercules’s first time around the block. When she is not looking he dumps out his drink then pretends the potion has taken effect.
The queen learns that Darix is still alive and decides to use Agar to locate him. Believing that Hercules is under her power, she decides to banish Agar from Samar knowing she will go to Agar. Her plan works perfectly as they capture Darix and Agar. She has them brought before her and Hercules. He recommends they be put to death by starvation.
Meanwhile, a small group of peasants and some of the army decide it time put an end to the queen. It’s time to storm the castle.
As night fall comes, Queen Samara tells Hercules about the moon men, and the whole plot. Now that he knows everything, Hercules drops the act. A stunned Samara is able to slip out a secret passage, so our hero has to do what a hero has to do. He beats the pulp out of everyone in his way and heads to the dungeon to free Agar and Darix.

** Break
** Tom and Crow mention how short the men’s skirts are compared to the women so they sing a song in praise of pants. Frank really likes the song.

After freeing the two from the dungeon, Hercules continues to beat up palace guards

while Darix and Agar join up with the rebels that have arrived at the palace.
A sandstorm begins as Samara makes it to the mountain and the moon men. Since she was unable to kill Hercules, Redolphis has her killed by the rock monsters
Hercules and the rebels all begin walking in the sandstorm to try and get to the mountain while Redolphis starts bleeding Selene so their queen can be revived.
The storm continues to rage on for a very long time and Hercules and the rebels just stumble around in it.
Eventually Hercules finds the door to the inside of the mountain. It proves to be very difficult to open. You might even say it takes a…… very concerted effort to open it.
The planet’s come in to alignment and the moon starts to move closer to the earth. This causes all sorts of geologic events, but the sandstorm and the pointless walking around by the rebels continues.
Hercules gets inside and runs into several of the rock monsters.

After fighting a few of them he realizes how tough it will be to kill them, he pushes a column in the cave over, causing a small cave-in that wipes them out.
He reaches Repolphis just as the moon queen starts coming to life. More pushing and crashing happens as Hercules rescues Selene.
With everyone safe and all the moon men killed, Hercules heads out of town with Agar joining him to search for more people in need.

** Joel and the bots discuss why Alan Steel replaced Steve Reeves in the Hercules movies. Crow start to develop a real smart ass attitude so Joel takes him away for an adjustment. Dr Forrester can’t understand why this movie didn’t finally break Joel and the bots will. Frank openly imagines what it would be like to be up with the bots in space but he isn’t sure how you go to the bathroom. Dr Forrester is not very happy with Frank.

Alan Steel was the body double for Steve Reeves in Hercules Unchained before taking over the role in several subsequent films.

** Best Riffs

** Ow ow ow Ouch ow Ow

** Squeaky Squeak

** It’s the Monsters of Rock Tour

This is a fun episode. The movie is a typical sword and sandal affair but at least Hercules doesn’t sleep through most of the film like he does in other additions of this collection.

3 out of 5.