humor

Episode 412

Hercules and the Captive Women

Gypsy really wants to go watch the movie with Joel and the bots. Joel gives in but Tom and Crow aren’t sure it’s a good idea.

Dr Forrester has been on a retreat, learning to relax, so he leaves the invention exchange to Frank. His invention is Lawn Baby, a push lawn mower with a baby seat on it. Unfortunately it’s a little to dangerous for a baby. Joel and the bots invention is the Womb Maid, headphones that fit over a expectant mothers belly and a set of tapes to play.

When the movies starts, sure enough Gypsy is in the theatre.

Hercules and the Captive Women

A narration describes how the city states of Greece are fighting among themselves which is making life rough for its citizens.

Some strange atmospheric event turns the sky red and catches a tree on fire and generally freaks everyone out. All the Greek leaders get together to try to decide what it all means and what to do. They are all sure of one thing, this was an omen of an impending attack.

** Gypsy is so bored by the movie that she decides to leave**

The leaders debate but can’t seem to agree on a plan. Finally Androcles, the king of Thebes, says he will lead an army to defend all of the cities. He asks Hercules, his good buddy, to help.

Next we see a ship sailing on the sea. Then we see Hercules passed out on the deck. Seems he wasn’t keen on going along but his son Hylas put some dope in his drink and well, here we are.

As Hercules begins to wake up, Hylas figures he better hide below deck or face the wrath of his father. This leaves Androcles and his dwarf assistant, Timoteo, steering the ship.
The big guy wakes up and is in a surprising good mood. First thing he notices, besides that he is on a ship at sea, is there are no warriors on the boat. Androcles was unable to convince his generals to let them leave the city, so he was forced to conscribe a bunch of criminals and slaves. Hercules takes all of this in stride and immediately goes back to sleep.

The rag tag bunch sail on for days with nothing happening in search of something. Things are so boring the criminals dump out the fresh water supplies so that the ship is forced to land and search for new supplies.
While the convicts go looking for water, Hercules sleeps on the beach. Androcles is getting severely annoyed by the the lazy bastard so he goes to retrieve the men with the water. They attack him, knock him out and sneak back to the boat. It’s a mutiny. They make it passed the sleeping Hercules and get on the boat.

** Break
** Joel and the bots partake in a little good natured brawling. They really beat the tar out of each other, much to the delight of Dr Forrester and Frank, but they laugh it off in the end.

Next we see Hercules is floating on a piece of the ship. Apparently he made it back to the ship, saved the day, then a storm came and destroyed the ship, leaving Hercules floating around. He sees a vision of Androcles calling for his help. Hercules asks Zeus for help in saving Androcles and he promptly runs in to an island shrouded in fog. He comes ashore and immediately finds a women being held captive. She also appears to be slowly becoming part of the cliff she is attached to.

Hercules starts to rescue her when the god Proteus makes an appearance. Proteus can change form rather quickly. First he is an old man, then a lizard like creature, then a bunch of flames before attacking the big guy as a boa constrictor. Hercules tosses it away but Proteus keeps changing and fighting. No matter, Hercules is eventually able to vanquish the crafty Proteus. This frees the lady chained to the rocks.

Turns out the women he rescued was left as a sacrifice to Proteus by her people so that he would not destroy them. Her home is Atlantis. A breeze blows all of the fog away and suddenly you can see Atlantis.

Hercules (Reg Park) and the formerly captive women somehow get to Atlantis. When they arrive there is another sacrificial ceremony going on, only this time it has to do with sacrificing a bunch of kids. Hercules is not amused.

The Atlantians are having a ceremony in their great hall. Their security officer comes in and explains that the fog that normally hides Atlantis is gone. While this is going on, in walks Hercules. Four guards grab him but that’s not going to stop Hercules.

He easily shoves them aside. The guards back off and Queen Antinea asks why has he come to their lands. Hercules brings out the girl he saved earlier. It just so happens that she is Princess Ismene, the queen’s daughter.

Although the queen really likes her daughter, she knows that her safe return means that Atlantis will be destroyed unless Ismene is put to death. Understandably, Ismene is not really thrilled about this but rules are rules the queen tells her. She has her taken away.

Hercules is strolling around the palace, when he sees Androcles at the end of a long hallway, but when he reaches him it turns out to be someone else. This gives Herc the willies. Queen Antinea (Fay Spain) happens by and assures him that Androcles is not on the island. Nope, not on the island at all.

Guess who is on the island, Hylas and Timoteo. They are relaxing on the beach when a group of soldiers ride up. Hylas and Timoteo hide. The soldiers have Princess Ismene with them. They tie her to a tree so she can be executed. Hylas just can’t let that happen so, from his hiding place, he slings a few rocks and knocks out a couple of the guards. He and Timoteo attack the remaining ones but unfortunately one gets away. Hylas and Timoteo rescue the princess. Hylas is rather smitten with the perpetually tied up young lady.

Ismene, in spite of being rescued is not all that happy. She figures she will be captured again anyway. She tells them that Hercules saved her once already. Hylas is pretty thrilled his dad is alive.

Speaking of dad, Hercules is unsurprisingly lounging around the palace with the queen watching some entertainment.

The queen wants Herc to stay with her but he really must be going, what with Androcles missing and all.

** Break
** Joel and Tom are playing Trivial Pursuit. Crow found a book on the history of the gods. He reads the entry about Hercules which has some “interesting facts” about how dumb Hercules is as well as how Hylas turned out to be loser. Of course, Crow actually made it all up.

The queen gives Hercules a glass of wine to try to help him relax but old Herc is no dummy. He figures the wine is laced with some crap that will make him fall in love, yada yada. After “drinking it”, Hercules staggers around and then passes out. The queen is please by this and leaves him to sleep it off. Hercules spits out the wine when she is gone.

The soldier that got away from Hylas and Timoteo makes in back to the queen, who promptly has him executed by her elite black clad guards.

The queen also has a little surprise. She has had Androcles held captive all a long.

Wow! Who could have saw that coming. Thinking that she has Hercules on her side, she orders Androcles, who is unconscious, to be taken out with some other prisoners to die. Then she has a full on hissy fit and demands the they find and kill her daughter.

Meanwhile Hercules sneaks out of his room, steals a horse and rides away looking for adventure. The queen eventually notices he is missing and starts a search for him.

Hylas and Timoteo are walking around with the princess in tow, when a group guards approach them, so they quickly hide. The guards are taking Androcles to where ever it is they are taking him. Following close behind them is Hercules. He rides past before Hylas can get his attention. Hylas and company are forced to follow on foot.

The guards take Androcles to a deep pit filled with a bunch a prisoners, then lowers him down into the pit.
Hercules sees all of this from high above over looking the pit. Eventually Timoteo finds him and Hylas is reunited with his father. With the princess watching, Hercules and Hylas rescue the men in the pit.

Androcles is with them but he is still unconscious. The men tell Hercules a story. It’s about a magic rock that turns children into invincible warriors but some become weak and disfigured. Guess which one the prisoners are. Hercules instructs Hylas to wait with the other prisoners until he gets back. He and one of the prisoners ride off to do something to the stone.

As soon as Hercules leaves, the remaining prisoners decide its time for revenge, so they grab some big rocks and head for the palace to crack a few skulls. Hylas tries to stop them but it’s no use.

Hercules and his compatriot reach the cave where the mysterious rock is. Hercules watches as the prisoner approaches the hole with the rock in it and he bursts into flames. This of course kind of freaks out the big guy.
A priest appears and explains that the stone is made from the blood of Uranus, the god not the planet. Queen Antinea is using the stone to build an army to conquer the earth. Hercules figures that’s a pretty good reason to destroy it. The priest rambles on about only a certain kind of guy can can destroy it and what not. Of course, Hercules is just that kind of guy, but only the sun’s rays can truly destroy it. Hercules must make a hole in the roof of the cave so the sun can do it’s job.

The former prisoners make it to the palace and for a short time get the upper hand on the guards, but not for long. Queen Antinea calls out the super army and quickly puts an end to the rebellion. By the time Hercules makes it to the palace all of them are dead.

Hercules confronts the queen and demands to know where Hylas and Androcles are at. The queen has spared them both because she is in love with the big galoot. She wants him by her side when she conquers the world. She shows him her army and tells of how they are invincible. Hercules is not impressed and begins to fight them. Eventually there are just too many of them and he is forced against a wall before falling through a trap door.

** Break
** Tom and Crow have made a Hercules action figure. It can throw big boulders and lay around and sleep a lot. It also talks but it just mentions how sleepy he is

Hercules falls into a pit where he finds Hylas. After an all to brief reunion, a strange mist begins to engulf the whole pit and the roof starts to come down. This is a job for Hercules. He calmly pushes the giant slab up on its side, giving the two of them escape route. They climb out, beat up a guard and find a passageway that leads into the palace and another that leads to the sea. Hercules instructs Hylas to head for the sea and go home. Hercules goes towards the palace but Hylas of course isn’t going home. He steals the armour and helmet from the guard and goes in search of princess Ismene, since she has been captured again.
Hercules meanwhile, grabs a chariot

and gets chased by a bunch of guards. They ride around in some underground passage until Hercules sets his chariot on fire and sends it back towards the guards. Many of them are killed in the fire and still some more are killed when Hercules causes a cave in.

Hylas locates Timoteo. Ismene and Androcles are tied up on a nearby ship that is going to be set on fire so they can be sacrificed. Hylas, still dressed as a guard take Timoteo to the ship as another sacrifice.

Hercules is back in the cave where he busts a hole in the top and lets in some sunlight. The light shines next to the stone but it will eventually move to it. With that done, he heads for the sea.

Hylas is able to take over the ship. Hercules swims out to meet it, as the sunlight reaches the Uranus stone.

Boom, things start blowing up and collapsing all over Atlantis, causing it to crumble into the sea.

Androcles wakes up and doesn’t remember anything. Hercules tells him he saved Greece which they both find really funny. Ismene and Hylas share a passionate kiss as the movie ends.

** Joel and the bots celebrate making it through the last of the Hercules movies. Down in Deep 13, Frank gets run over by his lawn mower invention.

Cast

Reg Park was Mr Universe in 1951, 1958 and 1965. He was also a mentor to Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fay Spain was a B-movie bad girl throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s. One of her last movie rolls ways a part in The Godfather II

Best Riffs

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If that map burns it’ll be a GREECE fire!

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I love it when men and lizards fight over me.

It’s a Hercules movie so it’s boring as always and just a really convoluted plot. I still give it 3 out of 5 though.