Fire Maidens of Outer Space
Joel is checking the bots posture to crown the king and queen of posture. Crow also seems to have a new friend, Timmy, that looks like a duplicate of him, only all black.
Dr Forester and Frank’s invention is a giant checkbook. Joel and the bots make shoes with edible cheese.
Fire Maidens of Outer Space
A voice over explains that the United States and Great Britain have been working on a secret project know as 13, an expedition into outer space.
An American scientist from Los Alamos flies to London to work with their scientist. There they discover that a 13th moon of Jupiter looks a lot like the earth. A spacecraft is being equipped to make the journey to this moon and should be ready within a few weeks. They speculate if there could be humans or other life on the moon and whether or not they will look as hot as their secretary.
It’s now launch day. The rocket, with its five passengers on board, successfully lifts off and starts its trip towards Jupiter. They pass through some asteroids but otherwise they just sit around looking at their instruments and smoking.
## Joel and Tom discuss how to use double entendres. Crow and Timmy don’t quite understand.
The ship uneventfully reaches Jupiters 13th moon. They start to land, when they suddenly receive a transmission from someone on the moon. They indicate that they are just a bunch of scientists from earth out to have a look around. They safely land and immediately light up some smokes.
They quickly find that this moon has an atmosphere like earth’s. They do a little exploring, find a statue then start heading back to the ship.
With out warning, they hear a women scream. They follow the sound and find a human women being attacked by monster. Since they each are packing revolvers, they fire a few shots and the creature runs off. The women doesn’t speak but she leads them to a group of trees. She ducks under one and two of the men, Blair and Larson, follow her. Next thing you know there in a Roman like city. There they meet Prasus, an older man and the only male on the moon. He tells them that they are on New Atlantis. He babbles on about their needing to kill the creature they saw earlier and so forth.
It turns out the woman they saved before was his daughter, Hestia, and now her life belongs to them, so he just gives her to them. Thanks dad.
Actually he has a whole bunch of daughters and they all come parading in with food and drink for the men. They are starting to get the idea that Prasus is wanting a little more than just help with a monster.
## Joel installed a set of levers that control everything on the ship just like the one in the movie. Timmy starts messing with it which causes all kinds of havoc.
After some meager nourishment, it’s time for the ladies to do a little dancing. The drinks the men had contained some kind of drug and it causes them to pass out. The other three men, waiting for the first group, decide to go back to the ship and wait until the morning to look for their wayward companions. Once they make it back to the ship, they just sit around and smoke.
The next day, while the three men are trying to find them, Prasus asks Larson to help get rid of the monster. The have a drink to their success but Hestia switched the cups and gives the drugged one to Prasus.
The three searchers find the same group of trees as before but there isn’t any way inside. Oh no, it’s the monster. They fire at it but it has no effect on it. They throw a grande at it which scares it away.
Larson asks Hestia how they can escape but she tells him there isn’t anyway out. The city is sealed off to keep the monster out and Prasus controls it. One of the other “daughters”, Duessa, overhears the conversation and realizes Hestia is trying to help the men. Later, when Hestia is alone, she and some of the other women tie her up.
## Timmy attacked Tom in the theater, and in a scene right out of Aliens, Joel and Crow blast Timmy out of the airlock.
Duessa and some of the other “daughters” plan to kill Hestia in the morning but then some other daughters capture the three other guys that were looking for the two guys. Now they have all five men as captives and can use them as mates.
Blair and Larson escape and try to find Hestia. When the ladies realize they are gone and they go back to where they have Hestia. They do a bunch of dancing in preparation of her death.
Prasus finally wakes and starts looking for everyone. The monster has somehow gotten into the city and it attacks and kills Prasus. It then finds all the women, where it attacks and kills Duessa. Just as it’s about to kill Hestia, Blair and Larson show up and kill the brute, rescuing everyone.
They all go looking for Prasus and quickly find he’s dead. That makes Hestia the new queen. She decides to go with her new boyfriend, Blair, back to earth. The men promise that more missions, with more men, will return soon.
## The bots can’t believe how little happened in the movie. It really has them broken up. Dr Forester is pretty happy with the results. Frank has found Timmy on their doorstep.
Anthony Dexter appeared in two other MST3K episodes, Twelve To The Moon” and “The Phantom Planet.”
** Best Riffs
** Fire up the grill girls, it’s time for manwiches
** Jupiter! America’s dairy land!
** Fly me to the moon
Oh my God this movie was a slog. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. The riffs are good but the movie drags this one down. 1 out of 5