Episode 419

Rebel SetJoel is reading scary bedtime stories to the bots but they are unimpressed with In Cold Blood, Helter Skelter or any of Steven King’s books. Joel then whips out the scariest of them all, Life’s Little Instruction Book. This scares the crap out of Tom and Crow.
The mads invention is the Quick Primp Kit for helping you get ready for a night out while waiting in line. Joel and the bots invention is the Mark Rothko paint by numbers.First up a short called, “Johnny at the Fair”.
Johnny and his parents go to Canada to see the Canadian Exhibition. After looking around for a while, his parents are trying to decide what to see next. Johnny, who is only 5 or 6 years old, wanders off. He disappears into the crowd before his parents even notice.
On his own, Johnny sees all kinds of attractions while his parents desperately search for him. Eventually a policeman takes Johnny to the lost children area and his gets reunited with his folks. So much excitement in one little short.The Rebel SetThe movie opens in a small coffeehouse. A band is playing as patrons enjoy a beverage or two.
Mr Tucker, the owner is playing chess with one of the guests. He easily wins.Sidney, Tucker’s assistant comes by. The two if them have some sort of plan set up. Tucker instructs Sidney to locate three particular men for this job.
One of the men is John Mapes, a struggling actor.
Mapes hasn’t worked in over a year. His wife Jean is working long hours to make ends meet, but she is getting tired of it. The phone rings and it’s Sidney, but John pretends it’s his agent with an acting job** Break
** Crow sent away for some practice acting records and they finally arrived. They are all by Scott Baio.George Leland is the second man Tucker needs. He is the son of movie star Rita Leland. George has been arrested again. Sydney bails him out of jail this time and instructs him to meet Tucker at the club.
The third man is Ray Miller. Ray is a writer and a drunk. All three men seem to be down on their luck.
The three men show up at the club and Tucker lays out his plan. They are going to steal $1,000,000!! They will take a train from Los Angels to New York. It has a 4 hour stop over in Chicago which will give them time to steal the money from an armored truck. John goes home and tells his wife he got the acting part.
Tucker and Sydney fly ahead to Chicago to get the robbery set up.The three others catch a later train. Jean tags along with John, thinking he has another meeting with a director.** Break
** Joel and the bots discuss what they would do while on a 4 hour layover in Chicago. Gypsy would go shopping, Tom would hold up a bank, Joel would go to the renaissance fair and get a leather mug, then go to Wrigley Field and drink with the bleacher bums. Crow meanwhile had an elaborate walking adventure that would take him all over downtown Chicago.The train arrives in Chicago and John ditches Jean. The three men meet up with Tucker and Sydney. They set up outside of town to ambush the armored truck. Each man has a specific task to complete in order to make to robbery go successfully.
The truck comes along and the plan goes into motion. George shoots out a tire in the truck as Sydney drives a car out in front of the truck. The two vehicles collide and end up in a ditch.The truck driver gets out to check on Sydney. Just then, Ray and John drive up in a police car. All the security guards get out of the truck, then Ray and John pull guns on them. They tie the guards up and Tucker joins them as they all start unloading the money into the back of the police car.
After loading up, they drive away to a deserted area and bury all of the guns, uniforms and other stuff used in the robbery, including all of the police car identification. They put the money into a large gift box that George will keep with him. They hurry back to the train station just before it leaves.
Back on the train, Tucker (Edward Platt) has gotten on dressed as a priest. The three men don’t recognize him.
Jean trys to talk to John about his meeting but he is really nervous and short with her. She is starting to think John is not telling the truth.
George is counting the money when John comes to visit.George pulls out a gun, tosses John a wad of bills and says he is keeping the rest. John is stunned, but not so stunned that he can’t jump George. He over powers him, takes the gun and the money. He finds Ray and they put the money in Ray’s cabin.
The two of them head back to George’s cabin and find him dead. He has a bullet in his head and a type written suicide note on the bed, but he doesn’t have a type writer or a gun. The note looks to have been made on Ray’s typewriter. They decide to get rid of the typewriter.
Ray gets it from his cabin. He goes between the train cars and tosses it over. Just then Tucker walks up. He pulls out a knife, kills Ray and then toss him over.** Break
** Joel has the bots write short stories but they are supposed to be about trains. Only Gypsy gets it right.The conductor finds George’s body and the suicide note. The “reverend” Tucker comes by and suggests that maybe it was murder. The conductor phones ahead so the police can meet the train when it arrives. He mentions to Tucker that one of the passengers is missing. Of course that would be Ray.
Meanwhile, Jean finds some of the money in John’s coat pocket. He says it’s just stage money but Jean isn’t buying it. Eventually John confess everything to her.
The train arrives in Newark and the police are waiting. They are inspecting George’s cabin when John walks up and tells them that he was part of the robbery and he knows where the money is. They go to Ray’s cabin and open the box but there is no money in it. The cops are going to arrest John but just then Tucker walks by outside the train. John shoved the cop away and gets out a window. Now the chase is on. John is after Tucker and the cops are after John. They race through the train yard climbing over and under cars. Eventually they end up in an industrial area. John finally catches up but Tucker grabs a chain and hits him with it. Tucker is off and running again. Once more John catches him. Tucker tries to swing the chain at him again but it hits a nearby fuse panel and the surge of electricity kills him on the spot.Back at the train depot, Jean is waiting. John walks in, handcuffed to a detective. They have one last embrace before he is lead away.
Rita Leland walks into the train station. She’s talking to a report about how she is going to settle down and be a good mother to her son George. As she gets on the train, George’s body is wheeled right past her but she is unaware its him.** Tom is dressed like Hercule Poirot in an attempt to solve the mystery of who played the train conductor in the movie. It gets really complicated. Down in deep 13, Frank is also completely obsessed with finding the answer. Of course Dr Forrester is not happy.Cast
Edward Platt played “The Chief” on Get SmartKathleen Crowley played Jeanne Mapes on MaverickThis is actually a decent movie. Sure the acting is really bad in places but there is at least a plot. 4 out of 5.


Episode 418

Attack of the Eye Creatures

Tom and Crow are going through a “best friend” phase, but it doesn’t last very long.
The mads invention is a router Ouija board so you can summon the spirits of dead woodworkers and make fine crafted piece as well. Joel and the bots invention is the funny gag fax. It squirts water on whomever reads it.

Attack of the Eye Creatures

A man with a briefcase locked to his wrist delivers an important report to a General. The General then has Lt. Robertson report to him. He briefs him on Project Visitor and shows him a film describing a UFO that is expected to land on earth very soon. Robertson then heads back to his sector to await the UFOs arrival.
Back at his sector, two Air Force underlings are using their surveillance equipment to spy on teenagers making out in their cars in the woods. Robertson reads them the riot act but ultimately joins them.
Two men at the White Rock bar are trying to pick up some girls but they are not having any luck. One guy, Mike, gives up for the night but the other, Carl, is willing to wait a little longer. He takes their car and drives off into the woods. He then sees the flying saucer from earlier in the film landing. One of the local teens also sees it land. He tells some friends back at that same bar, but they don’t believe him.

Lt. Robertson just happens to be there and hears about the spaceship.
Carl gets a closer look at the spaceship, gets a little freaked out, hops in the car and takes off. Then we get to watch a couple teens, Stan and Susan, make out, how fun.

## Break
## Tom has a cool new car which Crow really takes a fancy to. Tom asks Crow if he wants to make out like the teens in the movie. Crow runs off in horror. Gypsy then comes by and Tom makes the same offer to her. She turns him down. Magic Voice also turns him down since she has no physical form. Tom has a lot of questions about making out. Joel swoops in and gives him a big kiss.

Carl rushes back to his place to tell his friend from the bar, Mike, about the saucer and how they are going to be rich. Mike is unimpressed and goes back to sleep.
Stan and Susan are heading home from their make out session, when they accidentally run over an alien. They also get a flat tire, so they walk to a nearby house. When no one answers the door, they go inside and use the phone to call the police and tell them they ran over an Alien.

Unfortunately, the police don’t believe them. The old man that owns the house returns and runs them off his property.
Carl drives back out to look at the spaceship and he finds the alien body by Stan’s car. Now he’s sure he and Mike are going to be rich. He prepares to get the body into his car when he is attacked by four more aliens. They easily kill him.

## Break
## Joel and the bots celebrate the mediocre acting career of Earl Holliman

The air force guys drive out to get a look at the spaceship. The do absolutely nothing but look at it.
Stan and Susan walk back to their car. The cops show up after all. They remove the body that they find at the scene and have Stan blow into a breathalyzer. Of course Stan hasn’t been drinking so he’s not worried. The police take him in to custody anyway. Turns out the body the cops found was Carl’s not the alien.
At the station the cops want Stan to sign a confession admitting to killing Carl but he refuses. He and Susan insist that they hit an alien. Susan’s father, who happens to be a local attorney, shows up. He’s mad at Susan for going out with Stan but tells her he will try to get her out of trouble, but not that thug Stan.

Back at the spaceship, the air force guys try yelling at and then shooting at the craft, but nothing happens.
At the local funeral home, Stan, Susan and the cops get a look at Carl. The two love birds swear they have never seen him before and that they hit a spaceman. Seeing as how Carl appears to be a drifter, Susan’s dad will talk to Mike and see if he will not press charges.
The air force gang try to use a cutting torch on the spaceship. Unfortunately, this causes the ship to explode.
The explosion causes all the cops to go outside and investigate, which means they leave Stan (John Ashley) and Susan alone. They just walk out the back door of the station and take the lead investigator’s car.
The two air force underlings from earlier try to get another peek at the youngster making out in the woods. Instead they get a closeup look at one of the aliens but they figure it must be a monster movie.

Stan and Susan go back to the accident site and look around. They don’t find anything, so they drive off. Unbeknownst to them, the severed hand of the alien they hit crawls into the car to ride along with them. It crawls up and spooks the crap out of Susan. They abandon the car and walk to the house where Mike is staying. They explain to him what has happened. He calls the police to verify the story, then the three of them head back to the woods. Mike brings his camera.

## Break
## Joel and the bots dress up as The Rip Taylor Trio and make corny jokes about the eye creatures.

They find the hand crawling around in the back of the cop car. Mike is flabbergasted and quickly takes a picture of it. When he does, the hand sudden disappears in a flash. Not sure what to do next, they try to head over to the police station, but the car battery is dead. Uh oh, here come the eye creatures. When all hope looks to be lost, Stan turns on the spot light on the car and kills one of the creatures.
Now they know how to stop them but the battery is to low for the light to work anymore.
Mike panics and takes off running. Bad idea. The creatures easily catch him and then there was no more Mike. This allows Stan and Susan to escape. They go back to the old man’s house to call the cops. They try to turn themselves in but the police are no long interested in them. Turns out Carl died from a heart attack and not from Stan hitting him. They aren’t even interested in them stealing the cop car. Not sure what to do next, the two of them head back to the woods to see if they can get all of their friends to stop kissing and help them.
Stan, Susan and all of their friends surround the creatures with their cars

and then turn on their headlights. One by one the creatures explode. The earth has been saved. They even find Mike and he’s alive. Stan and Susan decide to commemorate the night by eloping.

## Joel and the bots discuss how the film’s producers just did not care how bad the movie was. Dr Forester and Frank disagree. They even have the director with them to prove it. Turns out he just didn’t care.


John Ashley appeared in wide variety of films and TV shows throughout the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. He also had a short music career, ran several movie theaters in his home state of Texas, produced horror movies in the Philippines and eventually became a producer of the A-team. He died in 1997 of a heart attack at the age of 62.

Best Riffs

## Lenny and Squiggy join the Navy.

## I saw it. “With my own hair.”

## “Okay, Gentlemen. Your suits didn’t come in, so tomorrow just wear black and your mask.”

This was another tuff one to get through. The movie is terrible but the host segments were very good.

2 out of 5