​Episode 407

The Killer Shrews

It’s present time on the SOL. Joel gives Gypsy a Little Mermaid Bath Set and Tom gets a Junior Dragster. Crow gets a pair of dress slacks. 

The Mads invention is a device to crack open the earth and destroy all of the continents. Joel and the bots invention is Jim Henson’s Edgar Winter Babies. 

First up, the short “Junior Rodeo Daredevils”

Two boys are trying to tie a tin can to the tail of old man Billy Slater’s horse. He catches them before they can complete the job. Since they are so bored he suggests they organize a junior rodeo. 

The boys put up posters around their little town promoting the rodeo and before you know it the whole town pretty much shows up for the big day. 

First there are a few horse races then some calf roping, followed by all kinds exciting events. 

To end it all, they hand out awards and prizes. 

The Killer Shrews

A voice over explains that shrews are mean nasty creatures that will eat anything. Now there seems to be a new species of shrew that has emerged. 

Captain Thorne Sherman and his first mate Rook Griswold pilot a boat to a remote island. They are carrying some supplies for the inhabitants there, all the while, they are keeping an eye on the weather as a storm is approaching. 

They anchor the boat, row ashore and are immediately greeted by lead scientist Marlowe Cragis, his daughter Ann and Jerry Farrel. Thorne is instantly smitten with the beautiful Ann but is leery of Jerry since he is carrying a shotgun. 

Marlowe wants Thorne to take Ann back with him. He seems more than happy to but informs them they are not leaving today on account of the storm. He isn’t even going to unload the supplies as they will help stabilize the boat. The islanders are not happy about this but they and Thorne head to their compound while Rook stays with the boat for now. 

The group reach the compound and head in. Thorne can sense something is not right about the place but never-the-less he shares a cocktail with his hosts and prepares to spend the evening on the island. 

** Break 

** Joel is dressed up like a cowboy and reciting some quotes from Will Rogers. He slowly starts quoting a lot of different people which kind of worries the bots. 

Marlowe and Thorne are chatting over their drinks when in walks Marlowe’s assistant Radford Baines. He is wrapped up in his work and doesn’t pay attention to the others. Marlowe is eventually able to persuade him to come over and meet Thorne.

Thorne (James Best) asks what they’re working on on the island. Marlowe explains they’re working on a serum to make humans smaller. Smaller humans will mean less strain on the food supply. 

Radford returns from the laboratory with a shrew.

 He says it’s the only survivor of their latest test. Thorne asks how big do they get. Marlowe (Baruch Lumet) gets an uneasy look on his face but says that is an adult. Just then there’s a loud crash which startles Ann. Turns out it was just a shutter blowing in the wind. Radford takes care of it. Ann is nervous about something more than just the storm. Mario, their servant, takes Thorne to a room for the night. 

Turns out Ann and Jerry are engaged to be married. Jerry is beginning to get jealous of Thorne and his interest in Ann. The two of them get into an argument when he finds Ann with Thorne.

As the night sets in, Rook decides to come ashore. In the dark he can hear some noises. Not sure of what they are, he fires a few shots and takes off running with the storm intensifying around him. He climbs a tree and is cornered by the giant creatures. He hollers for help but, with the storm, no one can hear him. 

Jerry (Ken Curtis) and Ann continue to argue and Ann is really getting sick of him.

 She wants to leave the island but Jerry doesn’t. He wants to continue the experiments with her father. 

Outside the compound the tree Rook is on begins to collapse. He falls to the ground and the creatures attack and kill him.

Thorne begins to feel unwelcome at the compound so he decides to head back to the boat. Ann stops him before he can leave. When Thorne asks why he can’t leave, Ann (Ingrid Goude) elaborates more about her father’s experiments. He accidentally made some shrews grow extremely fast. Now they are the size of a wolf and are very hungry. Marlowe comes in and fills in some of the gaps in the story

** Break 

** Tom and Crow sing a song about killer shrews. Afterwards, they show Joel their new board game about the movie. Just like in the movie nothing happens in the game. 

Eventually, the storm knocks out the power at the camp. It’s too dangerous to go outside to restart the generator so they light some candles. Ann and Thorne’s relationship begins to blossom as does Jerry’s jealousy. The shrews attack and kill the livestock. Everyone begins to realize the situation is getting dangerous. They decide to post watches to make sure the shrews don’t get in during the night.

Jerry gets too drunk to take his watch so he talks Mario into doing it for him.

 Unfortunately, a shrew gets in and hides out in the basement. Mario wakes Thorne and they head to the basement to kill it.

Mario spots the not-so-little thing and shoots it, but it’s still able to get a bite on his leg. Down goes Mario. Thorn runs over to help Mario. He also shoots the thing a second time which finally kills it.

Everyone rushes to the basement to check on Mario but he dies anyway. No one is quite sure why he died so quickly. They take his body and the shrews for examination. The shrew’s saliva was full of poison. This is what killed Mario. It seems Marlowe had left some poison bait out to try to kill the shrews. Apparently it didn’t work. They decide to have everyone stay in the front room and wait till morning. Unbeknownst to everyone, one of the shrews has gotten into the building by digging through the wall.

Morning arrives and the storm is nearly over. Thorn throws the dead animal carcass over the fence to see if any of the other shrews will try to get it. When none of them show up they assume all the shrews have gone in for day.

Thorne decides to see if the path is clear and heads for the boat. He will fire a shot in the air if everything is clear. Ann doesn’t want him to go by himself so Jerry has to go with him. Jerry’s jealousy gets the better of him and he begins to threaten Thorne with his shotgun as they walk towards the boat.

 Thorne is no fool and is easily able to disarm Jerry.

They continued on to the boat but there’s no sign of Rook. They start to head back when they find Rook’s body. They also realize that they’re being followed by the shrews. They take off running back for the building.

** Break 

** Joel and the Bots make a killer shrew drink. Joel tries it and it knocks him on his butt. Frank has made his own version, tries it and goes completely nuts.

Jerry makes it back first, then holds the gate closed so Thorne can’t get in. Thorne is forced to climb over the fence just as the shrews arrive. He sees Jerry holding the gate closed so he gives him the thrashing of a lifetime. He is just about to throw him over the fence and let the shrews eat him but changes his mind. 

Everyone heads back into the house and Thorne makes himself a drink. Ann goes to make coffee but when she opens the door to the kitchen a shrew comes running  out and bites Radford (Gordon McLendon). Dead Eye Thorne shoots the rodent dead. Radford tells the others he is okay and sits down at his typewriter. 

While the others busy themselves, Radford, who is not okay, begins typing out his symptoms while he starts dying. After a few moments he collapses to floor, dead. Thorne tells Jerry to take Radford’s body outside. Jerry starts getting hysterical so Thorne slaps him around to knock some sense into him. Just then the shrews start chewing holes through the walls trying to get at the tasty humans. Everyone retreats to the patio for safety. Jerry finds the shotgun in the corner while everyone else is looking for some sort of protection. He stashes the gun for later. Thorne find some metal drums which gives him an idea. They lash the drums together and will use them as protection to get to the boat. Jerry grabbed the shotgun and climbs onto the roof. He votes to stay instead of taking the drums. Anne and the others try to talk him down but it’s no use. Thorne, Marlow and Ann crouch down inside the drums and head for the boat. The shrews try to get at them but they are protected by the drums.

Seeing that all of the shrews are chasing the others, Jerry climbs down from the roof. He tries to catch up with the others but the shrews get to him first and kill him. The others eventually make it to the shore and swim to the boat. Marlow makes a comment about overpopulation. Thorne looks at Ann and says he isn’t worried about overpopulation right now. The two of them kiss as the movie ends. 

** Crow, Tom and Gypsy are all dressed like killer shrews. They reenact the scene, with Joel, where Ranford is killed in the movie. 

Down in Deep 13 Frank has a tummy ache. Dr. Forrester gives him an ipecac.


James Best is best known for playing Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane in the Dukes of Hazzard.

Ingrid Goude won the 1956 Miss Sweden beauty pageant

Ken Curtis is best known for his role as Festus Haggen on the long-running western tv series Gunsmoke. We also appeared in several movies by director John Ford. 

Gordon McLendon is a member of the National Radio Hall of Fame. His family at one time built a communications empire that included radio stations across the United States

Baruch Lumet was a Polish immigrant born in Warsaw before caming to the USA in 1922. He did not do much acting. He is the father of famed director Sydney Lumet

Best Riffs 

## Synchronized Drinking

## And the crowd goes wild!!

Good episode. Very good host segments, in particular the Killer Shrews song. The movie is terrible and memorable. 4 out of 5. 


Episode 406

Attack of the Giant Leeches 

Joel made a “Holo-Clown” Sequencer to cheer up the bots but it’s been stuck on for days and even the clowns are sick of it. Joel finally fixes it.
Tom says a haiku about clowns, then it’s time for the invention exchange. Dr Forrester, inspired by the movie, use a leech to help Frank quit smoking, even though he doesn’t smoke. Joel and the bots invention is the Insty Adolescent Kit, so you can experience all of adolescents at once.
First up the short “Undersea Kingdom”

Annapolis Maryland
We meet Crash Corrigan, Navy Lieutenant and all around star athlete at the Academy. First he scores a touchdown in the big game then he is winning in a wrestling match. Just as he is about to finish the match, little Billy Norton nearly falls from his perch where he was secretly watching the match. 

Crash doesn’t miss a beat and climbs up to save Billy. Seems Billy’s father, Professor Norton, needs to see Crash right away.
At the professor’s office he has a gizmo that can predict and even stop small earthquakes. 

Diana Compton, a reporter from the Times, is also there and asks where they are coming from. The professor believes they are coming from Atlantis. He says he has found several artifacts while searching in his rocket submarine that are only a few years.
Meanwhile down in Atlantis, war is about to break out between
Sharad, high priest of Atlantis and leader of the White Robes against Unga Khan, the tyrant leader of the Black Robes. The Black Robes begin an assault on the White Robes. Unga wants to take over Atlantis and then destroy the upper world using a disintegrator ray. Isn’t that always the way these guys. Anyway he uses the ray to strike the city of St Clair, which is just three hundred miles away from Annapolis, causing an earthquake. Professor Norton decides it’s time to load his earthquake stopper thingy on to his rocket submarine and try to stop the next quake. Crash, Diana and Billy go with him.
After getting underway, some force, controlled by Unga, starts pulling them down deeper and deeper under water and into a cave. They then surface in Atlantis.
Unga orders his imperial guards to capture the professor and his crew. They mount their horses and chariots and ride off after them.
Crash (Ray “Crash” Corrigan) and company disembark and begin exploring the land. They see the guards approaching and hide. Crash decides to go and see if they are friendly or not. Two of the men try to grab him so he slugs them both

 and literally heads for the hills. Guess they weren’t friendly after all. All the guards climb after him and look to have Crash cornered but he grabs a nearby vine and slides down to the horses. He mounts one and rides off causing the remaining horses to scatter. He makes it back to the others and they start heading back to the sub. Unga sends out a tank filled with robots. That’s right, a tank full of robots. They each are carrying a ray gun.

 The good guys keep on trucking as the robots shoot at them. They get trapped against some rocks so Crash and Billy climb up to find a way out. Unga uses an invisible ray to stop them at the top of the rocks. He fires a bunch of rockets at the cliff which causes it to crumble.
** Break
** Joel asks the bots what they would do to take over the world. They talk about their great costumes and plans for world domination. Joel mentions that anyone foolish enough to try and achieve world domination would look pretty silly. When then see Dr Forrester and Frank dressed up rather flamboyantly.
Attack of the Giant Leeches

A group of men are hanging out in a small bar/store in the Everglades. The place is owned by Dave Walker and his wife Liz. One of the men, Len, tells a tale of a giant creature he encountered in the marsh that he had never seen before that reminded him of an octopus. The others think he has been drinking too much.
The men all head home leaving Dave and Liz alone. Their relationship is very rocky. Dave pleads with Liz to talk with him but she decides to head out for the night without him.
Game warden Steve Benton is out in marshland with his girlfriend, Nan, rescuing animals from traps set by poachers. She is worried about him getting mixed up with the poachers but he isn’t worried. They have a tender moment

 but then hear a shriek coming from within the trees. Steve heads off to investigate and finds Liz is the screamer. He also finds Len from the opening scene and he looks like he has seen the creature he described earlier.
Steve goes to Sheriff Kovis for help but he isn’t interested. He figures Len was killed by a gator or something so that’s Steve’s job. He tells him to stay out of county business. Steve tells him off before leaving.
Steve then goes to see Doc Greyson, who just happens to be Nan’s father. He and Steve (Ken Clark) figure something weird killed that drunk and Steve is going to go searching for it.
The next day he and Nan paddle around in a canoe looking for suspicious stuff. 

They float around all day and don’t see a thing.
Back at the Walker’s place, Dave is getting ready to take an order of groceries to a customer but this time Liz (Yvette Vickers) wants to talk. Seems she is scared since Len got attacked and wants to move out. Dave takes off to make the delivery. One of the regulars at the place, Cal, slips in after Dave leaves. Then he and Liz go off together.
** Break
** Joel and the bots have had WAY too much coffee and are telling stories that are a bit weird.
Liz and Cal go to the marshlands for little alone time. Cal just can’t understand why a woman like Liz is with a fat guy like Dave. She tells him it’s complicated. While they are chatting, Dave (Bruno VeSota) sneaks up on them, shotgun at the ready. He threatens to kill both of them so they take off running. He fires a few shots over their heads as he pursues them. Eventually he catches up to them. 

Cal blames the whole thing on Liz but Dave doesn’t care and makes them walk out into the swamp. They plead for their lives and Dave finally relents. Before they can get out of the water, two giant leeches grab them both and pull them under water.
Sheriff Kovis and several others are searching the swamp for the missing couple but they don’t find any sign of them. Kovis pressures Dave to tell them what he really did to them. Dave sticks to his story so Kovis has him locked up on murder charges.
Two old locals want to keep looking for the bodies. They figure an alligator took the bodies and buried them for later.
Back at the sheriff’s office, Dave is so distraught over his wife’s apparent death that he has hung himself in his jail cell.
Steve and Doc Greyson are debating what really happened to Liz and Cal. Doc thinks there is something to Dave’s story but Steve is sure it was murder. Doc wants to use dynamite to kill whatever is down there. Steve tells him he can’t cause it would kill other wildlife and he would have to arrest him if he did. Nan thinks Steve is being pig-headed. 
Then next day the two old timers are poking along the banks of the swamp with poles looking for the bodies. One of them realizes that they haven’t even seen one gator the whole day which is very unusual. They decide to skedaddle out if there. Before they can, the leeches grab them right out of their boat.
Next we see the leaches aren’t actually killing any of their victims. 

They have them in a cavern deep under the water and are sucking on their blood.
With the two men missing, a search party is organized to look for them. Even Steve takes part in it but nothing is found. Although they do all notice the absence of alligators 
Doc and Nan spend the evening at Steve’s place. Doc makes note of there being no alligators in the swamp and recommends using dynamite to help locate the bodies and bring them to the surface. Steve vetoes the idea again and instead will scuba dive to search for them in a few days. 
Doc and Nan get sneaky and head to the swamp with some dynamite. Doc lights the fuse and drops it in the water. Steve, suspicious of the two of them, shows up just then. The dynamite goes off and the explosion causes the two old timers and Cal to fall back into the water from the cavern. Their bodies float to the surface. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots are dressed like hillbillies and sing “Danger to Myself And Others”

Steve has come to arrest Doc for using the dynamite but he is not at home. Nan is really ticked off with Steve. Doc arrives home and before he is arrested he tells Steve about the autopsy. Dispite the fact that all three men had been missing for at least two days the estimated time of death for them had only been a few hours before they were found. They also had large sucker marks on them. Steve can’t believe it at first but then figures there must be some sort of cave under the water where they were at. Doc think Liz might still be alive. Then we see Liz, down in the cavern, still alive. 

Steve and a friend suit up to do a little scuba diving in the swamp. The sheriff and just about everyone else is there to watch.

 Steve goes in the water and quickly spots one of the leeches. Using a harpoon gun he shoots it. He swims back to surface to get another harpoon to finish it off. 

Meanwhile Liz is barely alive. She stagers and falls into the water and floats to the surface. Steve’s friend pulls her onto the boat but she’s dead. Steve’s friend then dives in to help Steve as they realize there are two leeches. They injur both of them then head for shore. Finally they uses a shit load of dynamite to blast the mutants. Their bodies float to the surface. 

** Joel and the bots try to decide just how smart were the leeches. Down in deep thirteen Dr Forrester has left a leech on Frank way to long. 

He removes it and he and the leech head out for some lunch. Frank passes out. 

Ken Clark was a B-movie actor. He worked for a number of years in Italy.

Yvette Vickers went on to appeared as the Playboy Playmate of the Month in the July 1959 before her acting roles dried up. Vickers mummified body was found at her home in Los Angeles in 2011. She had not been seen in public for about a year when a neighbor discover her. It’s believed she died of heart failure.

Bruno VeSota appeared in episode 307 – Daddy-O

Gene Roth was a regular in Three Stooges movies. He was killed by a hit-and-run driver in Los Angeles in 1976.

Ray “Crash” Corrigan mostly did stunt work and bit parts. He own his a gorilla suit and used it to appear in many films. In 1937 he bought some land in California and built a movie lot and called in Corriganville. Many western movies were shot there. Corrigan sold the site to Bob Hope in 1966. He died in 1976 at the age of 74. 

## Best Riffs 
## This must be the swimsuit edition of leeches Illustrated

## ” is there a reeeward if someone finds the body, sheriff?”

“50 dollars.”

And you get to keep the body.

## Thanks for comforting me with that gun.

Fun episode. The short and movie were really bad but watchable. The running gag about coffee was hilarious. 4 out of 5.



Episode 405

Joel and the bots are playing twenty questions. Tom and Crow make some weird guesses. Frank and Dr Forrester have invented “Tragic Moments” figurines. Joel and the bots have made a Jack Palance impersonation kit. 

Being From Another Planet 

A couple of men enter the darkened tomb of Tutankhamun. Using flashlights they search the tomb and find a lot of dead bodies. They pass through a hole in a wall and find a sarcophagus. They take it back to the California Institute of Sciences. 

Professor Douglas McCadden, the leader of the expedition, has his students unload the relic and bring it into the classroom. They remove the lid to reveal the inner sarcophagus. They take that lid off and inside is a mummy. The first thing they notice is the poor state of the body wrappings. They also notice some sort of mold all over everything. Michael, one of the students, gets a sample. He gets a little bit on his arm. Next they start getting X-rays of the mummy. Oops, they accidentally use way to high of a radiation dosage. I’m sure it will be fine. Later the X-ray technician, Peter, develops the images and notices some strange round spots next to the mummy’s head.

 He sneaks over to the lab, finds a hiden drawer in the sarcophagus, and steals a bag of clear stones. I’m sure that will be fine. To hide his theft he takes another x-ray of the mummy. 

McCadden (Ben Murphy) and another student are cleaning some of the dirt from sarcophagus cover trying to read the inscriptions on it. The student, Susie, gives the professor a little neck rub. Seems they may have more than a student/teacher relationship. I’m sure it’s fine though. 

McCadden calls Dr. Ken Melrose, a pathologist at the school, about the mold. He has Susie take the sample to him for testing. It’s late and McCadden falls asleep at his desk. While he sleeps something starts happening with the mummy but it too dark to see exactly what it is. 

In the morning Susie wakes McCadden. They start looking at the X-rays and notice the area where the clear stones would have been. They find the secret drawer and find some of the mold and it looks really weird but I’m sure it will be okay. 

** Break 

** Joel is dressing the bots up as mummies. They are talking about how lame the mummy is in the movie when Crow mentions Bill Mumy from Lost in Space and how he hasn’t done anything since the tv show ended. Joel sets him straight on Mumy’s accomplishments. 

Peter takes the the stones to a jeweler to get rich but the owner tells him they are worthless. He storms out with the pretty rocks. 

McCadden has Melrose look at the mold in the drawer. He says it’s no longer dormant and to keep everyone away from it until they figure out what it is. However, University President Wendell Rossmore, has scheduled a press conference for today to show off the new artifact. 

The press people start filling in for the big reveal. One of the students notices a bit of the fungus has started growing on the side of the sarcophagus so of course he touches it. His finger immediately turns black and starts to rot. 

He is rushed to the nurse. Im sure he will be fine. Just then Rossmore shows up with his friend Bruce Serrano in tow. Seems Rossmore does not particularly like McCadden and wants to replace him with Serrano. 

Well it’s time for the big unveiling. Rossmore gives a little speech and then McCadden says a few words. They open the lid and find the mummy is missing. This is followed by lots of murmuring by the press. 

Immediately people suspect that one of the fraternities swiped the mummy as part of a prank. Rossmore gives them 24 hours to return it or else. McCadden wants to call in the police but Rossmore over rules him. 

The college cop will find out who did this. 

The mummy of course has not been stolen. It is out searching for its missing jewels. It kills a janitor down in the reactor room. 

McCadden and Melrose go to visit the blackened finger kid. They meet up with Dr. Hayworth who explains that the fungus is continuing to spread. The kid’s whole hand is black now. I’m sure he will okay though. 

A security guard finds the electrical room trashed, McCadden stops by the school’s radio station to plead for the return of the mummy and Rossmore watches tv and drinks. 

Sharpe meanwhile sells one of the stones to a friend for $50 and he takes his girlfriend out for a big dinner. He also gives her one as a pendant. While having dinner, two friends show up. He just happens to owe them each $25. To keep from having to pay them back he gives them one of the stones. One of the friends gives the stone to his girlfriend which earns him a little make out time while she is babysitting.

 The stone start glowing which attracts the mummy. When she goes to check on the baby the mummy attacks her, taking the stone and leaving a huge blackened area on her chest. 

At the hospital, McCadden meets with Melrose (Austin Stoker) and Hathaway as well as Lt. Plummer. He is investigating the attack. 

** Break 

** The bots put together an old fashioned haunted house for Joel complete with bowls of brains, guts and other creepy stuff.

Plummer tries to question the babysitter’s boy friend but he isn’t much help. The mummy has taken the first stone and placed it on some sort of triangle thing. This causes some electrical interference with things around campus but I’m sure it’s fine. 

Melrose goes to talk with McCadden at his office. McCadden has been translating a scroll that was with the mummy. It tells the story of a traveler that came to Egypt and how king Tutankhamun and his servants all die from touching the visitor. It also says that he doesn’t look human. 

A little later, Melrose is running more tests on the fungus and realizes that X-rays cause it to start growing. At the same time, X-rays are taken of the dead girl with predictable results but I’m sure it will be alright. 

Susie is walking to class when a student stops her. He would like to take her out but she is dating McCadden. He gives her a bracelet with one one the mummy stones on it. Seems we have a little foreshadowing going on here but I’m sure she will be fine. 

One of the fraternities is having a costume party so of course Peter dresses up as a mummy, but I’m sure it will… Oh never mind.  

With the party in full swing, mummy guy shows up and snatches one of his stones from a students which kills him. 

He places it on the triangle and causes some more power glitches around campus. Lt Plummer is now convinced there is a serial killer on the loose. 

The next day or maybe some other day, I don’t know, Susie wakes up McCadden at his place. Some sunlight shines through the mummy stone on her bracelet and it projects on the wall a diagram that looks like a radio transmitter. Turns out it matches one they found on some paper with the mummy. 

** Break 

** Tom and Crow are feeling depressed so Joel and Gypsy try to cheer them up but after a bit even they start getting depressed. 

Susie and her bracelet go to the library to do some research. 

Mummy man shows up and it’s chase time. Susie makes it to an elevator and start heading up. The mummy gets into the shaft and begins breaking through the floor so Susie climbs out through the hatch. She makes her way to the roof of the library with the mummy in hot pursuit. She notices the stone on her bracelet is flashing and figures out that it is what the mummy wants. She tries but is unable to get the bracelet off so she keeps on running. She starts climbing down a ladder when the mummy grabs the bracelet off her wrist. She slips from the ladder and falls to the next level. Next she wakes up in the hospital talking to Lt Plummer. She explains what happened and how the mummy was just after the crystals. 

McCadden finds the original x-ray showing the crystals and goes to talk to Peter. When Peter plays dumb McCadden gets a little rough with him. He finally admits his duplicity and gives back the one crystal he has left. His girlfriend friend has the last one, so of course that’s where we are headed next. 

The mummy gets into her place while she’s getting a shower. 

He rips back the curtain but she isn’t wearing the necklace with the crystal on it. He sees it on the basin and off he goes with stone number four. 

McCadden is at the reactor building. He’s waiting around for something when he spots the triangle thing the mummy has been putting the stones on. He takes the one out of his pocket and places it one of the holes. Now there are four stones with one hole left. Just then Rossmore (James Karen), Serrano and the campus cop show up. Serrano accuses McCadden of taking the mummy and hiding it. He is going to call Lt Plummer, get McCadden arrested and then he’ll  be the big time professor. 

Before he can do that though, the mummy comes strolling in. He heads over to his triangle thing and puts the last pretty rock in place. The lights go out and the mummy starts glowing. Turns out he is not just a mummy after all but an alien.

 Serrano tells the cop to shoot it but McCadden jumps in between them and gets shot in the shoulder. He falls down at the aliens feet. The alien reaches down to McCadden who then grabs the aliens hand. Then suddenly the both of them dissappear. All that is left behind is one of the crystals. Serrano runs to grab it. When he does it turns his hand black. 

** As the closing credits role, Tom declares that this is the worst movie they have ever watched. Joel and Crow start naming off all the other movies they have watched and Tom still think this one is the worst. That is until they get to The Castle of Fu Manchu. Tom concedes that it is just as bad as this one. 

Joel and the bots present the TV’s Frank Shopping Network. 

They try to get Frank to push the button to bring them home but Dr Forrester stops him and administers a little punishment as well. 

Ben Murphy starred in Alias Smith and Jones in the 1970’s

Austin Stoker is best know for the 1976 film Assault on Precinct 13. 

James Karen played the real estate developer in Poltergeist.

## Best Riffs 

##  Did Ancient Astronauts wear Lee Press-On Nails?!?

## “So Jack, how do I look?” Cheap.

## “You’ve been X-raying this mummy with ten time the normal dose!” He could die!

Oh my god this movie was so boring. Literally the best thing was the closing credits. The closing skit is the only saving grace for the episode. 1 out of 5. 


Episode 404

Teenagers From Outer Space

Joel is trying to get the bots to stop saying “ABC Mystery Movie” every time they see a flashlight during the movie. He gives them electro shocks when they do. Tom tricks Joel into saying it and Joel is forced to give himself a jolt.

Tom and Crow’s invention is the scratch and sniff report card. Dr Forrester and Frank are sure that ventriloquism is going to be the next entertainment boom so they converted a bunch of Resusci Annie dolls into dummies. When theirs stops working they have to perform CPR on it.


A small black dog runs across a rocky valley and starts barking at a spaceship that has landed there. The top of the ship opens and one of the aliens shoots the dog with some sort of ray gun which instantly turns it into nothing but a skeleton. 

One by one the aliens emerge from the ship with various test equipment. One of the crew, Derek, looks wistfully at the remains of the dog before starting his testing. Each member reports on their findings to the Captain. Derek notices that the dog had an ID tag. He picks it up and proclaims there is intelligent life on the planet. Thor, who vaporized the dog, scoffs at Derek. Thor seems to like killing things.

The Captain orders a crew member to bring out the Gargon, a lobster like creature, to see how it responds to earth’s atmosphere, but Derek (David Love) whips out his own ray gun and demands they leave the planet. It turns out Derek is not happy with more than just the planet. He criticizes their entire way of life, from living in cubicles, to killing off the old, to abandonment of family and friends. He is just not having it anymore. He read about how their home planet was much different before in a small book he is carrying. When the Captain ask to see book, he pulls the old switch-a-roo and grabs the guns from Derek. The Captain tells Derek he will be subject to torture when they get home. He also reminds him they are the superior race so all other life is beneath them.

They need the planet to raise the Gargon, which is a source of food for them. While Thor keeps watch on Derek they check how the Gargon is doing. 

It seems to be doing just fine. The Captain decides to contact the leaders of their plant with the great news. Suddenly the Gargon is not doing so good. Well crap I guess this planet simply will not do after all. They get ready to leave. Of course this means that Derek still get in trouble for his actions. With everyone preparing to leave, Derek is able to get away and takes off running. Thor wants to shoot Derek of course but the Captain stops him. He informs him that Derek is the Leader’s son, though Derek is unaware of it.

Just as suddenly as before, the Gargon begins to thrive. So I guess this planet is suitable after all. The captain decides to send trigger happy Thor after Derek while the rest of the crew head back to retrieve more Gargon.

Derek makes it into the nearby town. A gas station attendant tells him what the dog tag says. The dog’s name was Sparky and the address is just a few blocks away. Meanwhile, Thor gets a ride into town from one of the friendly towns folk.

Derek finds his way to the address on the tag. There he meets Betty and her grandfather Joe.

 It just so happens they have a room for rent. Looks like Derek has found himself a place to stay.

Thor starts quizzing the driver about how the car works. The man is a little stunned by all of his questions but still shows him the basics.

** Break

** Joel and the bots use how Derek was able to rent the room in the movie to show the difference between reel life and real life.

Betty (Dawn Bender) convinces Grandpa Joe to let Derek stay for free until he can get a job, seeing how he is new in town.  They even let him use some of Betty’s brother’s clothes since he is married now and living elsewhere. 

Just then Joe, Betty’s boyfriend honks his car horn out front. Betty hurries out to see him but he has bad news. He can’t make their swim date on account of his job. He works for the newspaper and has to go interview some people about a flying saucer they saw earlier. Joe drives away but Betty still wants to go swimming.

Thor and his ride are getting some gas at the same station Derek was at earlier. When the attendant notices that Thor has the same outfit as Derek, he mentions it to him. Thor demands to know where Derek went to. 

He grabs the attendant then pulls his gun on him. He gets the information, and then shots both of them, turning them into skeletons.

Betty and Derek drive over to her friend Alice’s home. As they head for the door, Derek tries to tell Betty about her dog but can’t seem to get the words out. Alice is already in her pool when Derek and Betty walk up. Derek drops Sparky’s ID tag into the pool. Alice retrieves it, gives it to Betty and finally Derek tells her about Sparky. Betty wants to see for herself what happened to her dog.

Grandpa Joe is watering some plants when Thor pulls up. Gramps tells him Derek is over at Alice’s place.

Betty and Derek arrive at the spaceship landing site. Derek shows her Sparky’s bones but she just can’t believe it. Derek does his best to explain things to her.

Thor walks in on Alice, still swimming in her pool. He demands to know where the others went. Alice doesn’t care for his attitude so she starts to swim away. Thor vaporizes her.

Betty and Derek head over to the college to see Professor Simpson. They leave a note for grandpa. Joe calls the house looking for Betty. He is at the gas station looking into the events from earlier so he won’t be able to pick up Betty for a while.

Thor gets back to the house and sure enough, grandpa tells him where they were headed.

At the college the series of just missing each other continues. Professor Simpson has not arrived yet so our two heroes decide to wait for him in the faculty parking lot. As they leave the professor comes in the other door. Just after that, Thor shows up. A janitor points out the professor’s office. Betty and Derek see the professor’s car and head back to his office.

Thor gets there first. He makes his usual demands and when the befuddled old man tries to call the police, Thor (Bryan Grant) can’t help but scorch him. For some reason he climbs out the window and keeps looking for Derek.

Betty and Derek get back to the office but discover what’s left of the instructor. 

Derek realizes that someone from the ship is looking for him. Betty realizes that grandpa maybe in danger. They rush to a payphone and call him. He tells them about the other man and Betty tells him to get out of the house right away. Grandpa hangs up and sees Thor pull out in front of the house. Thor bursts in with his gun drawn ready for some blasting but gramps has snuck out the back. Meanwhile Betty and Derek head for city hall. Thor finds gramps (Harvey B. Dunn) and makes him drive to city hall.

** Break

** Joel and the bots jettison some snacks out into space and try to get them into a trash bin they have set up

Betty and Derek make it to city hall but Thor gets there just after. Several police detectives get into a gun battle with Thor and his ray gun and two of them get vaporized. Eventually Thor takes one in the shoulder then he slips away. The detectives and Derek start looking for him.

About this time Joe shows up. He talks to Betty then goes to help grandpa. Derek comes back to city hall and tries to convince Betty to hide inside. Betty sees some blood on the sidewalk and then some on a car door. Oh no, its Thor.

 He makes Betty and Derek take him to a doctor to get the bullet removed.

Joe and grandpa can’t figure out what happened to Betty and Derek. The detectives come back, see the blood and put two and two together.

Back at the doctor’s home, Thor tries to keep watch on Derek and Betty while the doctor starts removing the bullet. Thor refuses anesthetic so he is in lots of pain. Derek asks him why he is trying to kill him. He tells him about the Gargon and also that Derek is the Leader’s son. The pain starts to get to Thor and he begins drifting in and out of consciousness. This lets Betty, Derek and the doctor escape. Thor stumbles around the looking for them before finally passing out in the front doorway.

The three escapees get to city hall again when the doctor remembers that his nurse is due to arrive at his home. He tries to call her there. She sees Thor lying on floor so she dresses his wound before she answers the phone. The doctor tells her high tail it out of there but Thor has awoken and forces her to take him for a drive.

Derek tells Betty about the Gargon, how big they will get and that more are coming. The only way to stop them is with Thor’s fancy ray gun.

Joe (Tom Graeff) and a detective go out to the spaceship landing site and have a gander at Sparky’s bones. They decide to take a look in the old cave.

Thor still has the nurse held hostage. He plans on going to the old cave and hold up there until the rest of the space “teenagers” arrive.

The cave is very dark so, Joe brings some flash bulbs for his camera to help see. Before he can, the detective is attacked and eaten by something. Just then Thor and the nurse arrive. He sees Joe and tries to fire a blast at him but the nurse swerves the car and Joe is able to get to his car and drive off. When the nurse refuses to follow Joe, Thor whacks her over the head and takes over the driving. Time for a car chase scene.

Thor is hot on Joe’s tail but starts having trouble with the pain again. The nurse awakens just in time to jump from the car as Thor loses consciousness and drives the car over a ridge. It tumbles to the bottom of the ravine seriously injuring him. Joe picks up the nurse and goes to warn everyone about the beast in the cave.

Later Betty and Derek head to the crash site. Derek wants to try and find the disintegrator ray gun so he can be the hero and get rid of the Gargon. He leaves Betty in the car and starts looking. Betty just can’t stay in the car so she wants to help him. She stumbles on the way down the slope. Derek catches her and they fall to the ground together. 

Betty finally figures out that Derek is an alien. He tells her about how crappy his home world is and that he will make earth his home, and then they share a passionate kiss before continuing the search. Oh no, it’s the Gargon. Betty runs to the car as Derek finds the gun, but it doesn’t work. He grabs a big rock and hurls it. Bull’s-eye! The Gargon backs off and Derek makes it to the car. He is going to have to find out how to get the gun to work if he wants to save the earth.

Armed search parties are out looking for the Gargon but it has gotten even bigger and it just kicks the crap out of every last one of them.

Derek disassembles the gun and finds the problem. Looks like muffler bearings have gone bad. That and the power source is damaged. He will need to discover some other way to power it.

The Gargon continues to move towards town. Officials contact the military for help and instruction everyone to take shelter.

** Break

** Crow is talking about how boring it gets on the ship when they get a visitor in a cool looking demonic spaceship. The visitor turns out to be pretty lame though.

Derek and Betty have a plan to stop the Gargon. They grab some tools and start heading toward the beast with the non-working ray gun. They spot the giant so Derek starts climbing a power pole.

 Betty finds an emergency call box and contacts the power station. They shut off the power and Derek cuts the lines. He connects them to the gun and they fire the lines back up, but it not enough power. Betty frantically tells the operator they need more power. At the last moment Derek is finally able to get the weapon to work putting an end to the monstrosity.

Derek realizes that more of his people will be arriving soon. He changes back into his space uniform and makes Joe drive him to where they are keeping the injured Thor.

They get Thor and Derek makes Joe do some more driving. Betty and grandpa go to the landing site, then Derek and the others show up. Thor is just as belligerent as ever and he wants Derek to shoot everyone. The first spaceship lands and Derek and Thor go to meet it. Out climb the captain (King Moody) and Derek’s dad. The other ships are waiting on the signal from the first ship to start landing. Derek convinces everyone that he is one of them again and they let him guide the ships.

This time it’s Derek’s turn to pull a fast one. He sends instructions to all the ships that cause them to crash into his ship killing all of the aliens. Betty, Joe and grandpa head home knowing Derek sacrificed himself to save them.

** Joel and the bots make note of the aliens costumes were just coveralls with duct tape on them so they made some of their own. Dr Forrester is having dinner with his Resusci Annie doll while Frank is his waiter.


This was the only full length film David Love was ever in.

Dawn Bender was cast at age 7 as little Margaret Herbert in the popular radio drama One Man’s Family. She continued as Margaret for 17 years, until it’s end in 1959.

As part of a deal to finance the film Bryan Grant was given the role of Thor.

Harvey B. Dunn appeared in several 1950s B movies including three Ed Wood films, Bride of the Monster, Night of the Ghouls, and The Sinister Urge.

Tom Graeff was the writer, director, and producer of the film. Graeff later had a mental break down and proclaimed that he was Jesus Christ II, and that God had shown him truth and love. He committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning on December 19, 1970, at age 41.

King Moody was best known for playing Shtarker in the television series Get Smart.

## Best Riffs

## Who decorated this house? Wayland Flowers? 

## Menopause can feel like a speeding car chase

## HI I’m Curt Gowdy. Join me and Phil Harris as we go after big Texas Lobster. 

## Too much Chlorine


Fun episode. The film is very low budget but actually has a story to follow with a plot twist at the end. 4 out of 5.


Episode 403

City Limits

Tom and Crow are trying to remember what bunny rabbit was always trying to get Captain Kangaroo to say. When Joel tells them it was “ping-pong balls”, a ton if them start falling from the ceiling.

For the invention exchange Joel and the bots make stake versions of Mr Potato Head. The Mads invention is a Tupper Ware container for aging rock stars.

Their’s contain Morrissey and he complains about crying.

City Limits
“Fifteen years from now”

A group of young people ride up to a farm house on their motorcycles. The leader, Lee, starts walking towards the house when a shot rings out. Albert, the old man that owns the place, fired the shot. He eventually recognizes Lee and lets the gang into the house. A voice over from Albert explains that he has been taking care of Lee since the plague had killed his parents and most of the adults years ago. It had come time for Lee to go and find adventure but now he has brought the adventure home.

Next, we go back in time to just as Lee is heading out in search of that adventure. After a brief encounter with a young lady,

he heads for the city so he can become a “Clipper”, a biker gang of young people in the city.

When he makes it to the city, he follows a couple of delivery trucks to a warehouse area. He goes through the gate and is immediately surrounded by workers. Before they can grab him he takes off back through the gate. One of the men, Bolo, calls the boss to inform him of the security breach.

Having escaped from one problem, Lee rides into another.

He sees three bikes on a deserted street. Thinking they might be the Clippers, he rides towards them. Quickly he discovers they are not when they start attacking him. Lee rides away and some more bikers give chase. He makes a turn down a road when his pursuers stop. Suddenly more bikers show up from the other direction. It’s the Clippers, but they are not thrilled to see him. They tell him to go home, they don’t need him.

Lee starts to head back being escorted by Yogi, a girl from the Clippers. They run into the others bikers again who claim Lee killed one of their members. A fight breaks out and Lee and Yogi kick ass then high tail it back to thearth Clippers’ hide out.

Yogi tells the leader, Mick, that Lee killed one of the DAs. Lee tries to explain but Mick calls for a meeting.

** Break

** Crow sings a song to Kim Cattrall and then tries to do a scene from the movie Mannequin but that doesn’t go so well.

Mick explains to Lee that the two gangs have a truce. They have split up Los Angeles and have agreed to leave each other alone. No guns and no killing. Since the DAs  think Lee killed one of their members, they have to give Lee over to them so all things are equal. Mick gets an idea from a comic book and tells one of is guys to go and get Ray, the leader of the DAs.

Ray shows up and Mick tells him of his idea. Lee verses one of the DAs. If Lee wins he becomes a Clipper but if he loses he has to go with the DAs. Ray likes the idea and leaves to get his pick for the fight.

Next we see Ray at the warehouse talking to Bolo.

It seems the two have a working relationship. Bolo and his boss Mr Carver want to gain control of the whole city. Ray tells him about the contest, so Bolo plans to send Wickings to see if she can persuade the Clippers to join up with their organization. Ray is sure they will come around.

The next day, Mick, Yogi, Lee and a few others ride into the DAs territory for the big battle. Ray introduces Wickings to them. She tells them that the Sonya corporation was hired by the federal government to restore power and health services to the city. Mick is not buying into it and cuts her off. It’s time for the big fight.

Lee (John Stockwell) gets on his motorcycle with a jousting stick and his opponent, a girl, on her bike. They ride at each other and Lee starts getting his ass handed to him. Just when he looks to be done for he does a jump kick and knocks her off her bike and wins the match. All the Clippers celebrate.

Later back at Sonya’s warehouse, Wickings is trying to convince Bolo and Carver that they need to give the Clippers more time to join up with them. Bolo does not agree. Carver tells her to get on board, get out of the way or get crushed.

Whitey, Mick’s second in command, has snuck into the warehouse and is hiding in the rafters when Ray comes to see Bolo again. Bolo is ticked off that the Clippers haven’t joined up. He shows Ray a couple of guns and Whitey slips and almost falls. Alerted to his presence, the warehouse guys grab him and bring him to Bolo. Bolo is done playing around so he shoots Whitey dead. Wickings hears the gun shot and realizes it’s too late to get out of the way.

Later, the Clippers discover Whitey’s body. Mick has a bunch of flash backs to earlier times with Whitey (John Diehl) as he grieves for his friend.

Wickings sends a notice to the government about the events. The response she gets tells her that Bolo and Carver are free to use whatever means necessary to gain control of the city. Bolo tells her to stay in her quarters from now on.

** Break

** Tom and Crow are looking at their comic books. Joel suggest they think of some new superheroes. Their ideas are a little underwhelming.

Stuck in her room, Wickings finds a copy of the sewer blueprint. She uses it to escape the facility. Meanwhile, Ray begs Bolo to give him another chance to get the Clippers to get in line. Bolo tells him they had better or they are all dead.

The Clippers hold a funeral pyre for Whitey. The DAs show up and a fight ensues. Bolo and his men are watching this and they start firing into the crowd. Wickings makes it to the area just as the shooting starts. Several of the gang members are killed and Mick is wounded but he, Yogi, Lee and Wickings are able to escape. Most of the other surviving members are captured.

Mick and Lee set about stealing bikes and guns to prepare for a battle with Sonya’s men but they can’t find any ammo. They do find a couple of wayward Clippers along the way. Mick sends one if them, Ernie (Dean Devlin), to locate Ray (Danny De La Paz) for a meeting.

Ray and Mick meet up and Ray tries to convince him to give up. Just then Bolo and a couple of goons show up with Ernie. Seems Ernie, told them were to find Mick. Bolo tells Ray to take Ernie back to the warehouse. While Bolo and his men start beating the crap out of Mick, Ray decides it time to do something. He knock Ernie off of their bike killing him.

Bolo continues to beat on Mick (Darrell Larson) trying to find out where Wickings is. Suddenly the rest of the Clippers attack them and rescue Mick. The group rides through the night and end up back at the start of the movie where Albert (James Earl Jones) fires a shot at them.

The next day the gang is hanging around the farm. Yogi is trying to fix her bike but is having trouble. Lee shows her some old bikes that Albert has in the barn. One of the gang starts riding one of them. Mick then decides he is ready to leave. Yogi asks him where they are going but Lee tells her she isn’t coming. He wants to go on his own. This really hurts Yogi so she runs off. Lee decks Mick for being an asshole. Later that night Wickings (Kim Cattrall) goes to see Lee. She says she is planning on heading back east on her own so Lee decks her too. Wait, no he doesn’t, he starts making out with her.

** Break

** Joel and the bots and still thinking of some not so super heroes.

The next morning, Lee starts working on reinforcing his bike in order to head back to LA and get back at Sonya. The other gang members all decide to join in so of course that means it’s montage time. When the montage ends they all start riding their newly modified bikes back to the city followed by Albert in his 1950’s Cadillac.

They crash the gate and split up. Wickings and another guy start to sneak in through the sewer while Lee tracks down all the other Clippers members and frees them. The Sonya workers all take off running.

Lee and Yogi eventually run into Ray and all of the DAs. They all join together to fight the man. Albert gets out of the Cadillac and Lee takes it from there. Albert has some sort of remote control thing that we eventually will get to see what it does I guess.

Wickings and her partner shut off the power and all the bikes come streaming into the compound which I kind of thought they were already in but I suppose not. Lots of fighting ensues with the good guys having the advantage in the darkened compound. Bolo sneaks up on Wickings and turns the lights back on. Now the bad guys start using a machine gun on the heroes.

There’s gun fire everywhere when all of the sudden a model airplane comes flying in, crashes into the machine gunner and it explodes. Albert is controlling a whole squadron of the planes. They begin crashing into the bad guys. Bolo (Norbert Weisser) gets distracted by the explosions which enables Wickings to escape. Then one of the planes crashes into Bolo, killing him.

With the rest of the bad guys on the run, Lee, Wickings, Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong) and Mick start looking for Carver (Robby Benson). They find him just sitting in his office. He tells them it’s a waste of their time to kill him since someone just like him will come along. Out of nowhere, Ray comes riding in on his motorcycle and crushes Carver between his desk and the wall.

The Clippers and the DAs joined forces and Wickings helped them get the government’s approval to run the city. Albert went back home to his farm.

** Joel and the bots are playing a trivia game about the movie but seeing how the movie was so forgettable Tom and Crow can’t remember anything about it. Morrissey is pestering Dr Forrester about crying so Frank has to put him down. Dr F pushes the button this time.

Darrell Larson had a prominent role in the 1984 film Mike’s Murder.

John Stockwell starred in John Carpenter’s Christine. He also played Cougar in Top Gun.

Kim Cattrall is best known for her role as Samantha Jones in Sex and the City, winning the 2002 Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress.

Rae Dawn Chong won the Genie Award for Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in Quest for Fire. She had other notable roles in The Color Purple and Commando.

John Diehl played Pvt. Cruiser in Stripes and Detective Larry Zito in Miami Vice.

Danny De La Paz had small roles in 8 Million Ways to Die and Miracle Mile.

Norbert Weisser appeared in Midnight Express, Twilight Zone: The Movie, Three Amigos and The Rocketeer.

Dean Devlin stopped acting and began writing scripts, with his first being Universal Soldier. He later produced Independence Day, Godzilla and The Patriot.

Robby Benson starred as the voice of Beast in the animated Disney film Beauty and the Beast

James Earl Jones has one of the best-known voices in show business, has won many awards, including a Tony Award and Golden Globe Award and is the voice of Darth Vader in the Star Wars films.

## Best Riffs
## Surely you joust

## Hey! You’re Kim Cattrall

## Boy..it was windy last night! The Cows stuck right to the barn!

## Luke..I am your Father

This movie was so dull but the episode is solid. 3 out of 5



Episode 402

Joel has put Crow’s head on Tom’s body so now he has two heads like in the movie The Thing with Two Heads. 

They try to make the best of it but Joel decides it’s just not going to work. He takes both heads off and Tom notices he has a pretty nice backside. Joel and Crow think that’s a little weird. 

Down in Deep Thirteen, Frank informs them that Dr Forrester has died. Turns out he’s not so dead. 

Joel’s invention is a radio that only picks up channels from old sitcoms and movies. Dr Forrester and Frank invented the punching bag with Renaissance Fair characters on them. Frank really enjoyed punching them. 

The Giant Gila Monster

A voice over explains that no one knows how big a gila monster might grow to. We then see a couple parked in a car off in the woods near a small Texas town having a little snuggle time. Suddenly their car is shoved down an embankment. It tumbles to the bottom and we see a giant claw coming down. 

Next, a group of teens are dancing at a soda shop. A few more show up but one couple is missing. When one of the group thinks maybe their car broke down, Chase Winstead, a car mechanic, protests,  since he fixed it himself. Meanwhile in walks Old Man Harris for a little comic relief. The gang decides to head to the drive-in for a movie rather than wait for the other two. 

The next morning sheriff Jeff goes to the Wheeler household. It seems their son Pat and his girlfriend Liz did not come home last night. Mr Wheeler demands the sheriff find his son, though he doesn’t seem too worried about Liz. He also thinks Chase (Don Sullivan) is a bad influence on the other kids but the sheriff sets him straight about how good a guy Chase is.

Sheriff Jeff (Fred Graham) goes to talk to Chase at the garage.

 He hasn’t heard from Pat or Liz either but promises to tell the sheriff if he hears anything. The sheriff talks to Liz’s parents who are understandably worried but have confidence in the sheriff. There’s Old Man Harris again. 

Mr. Compton, who seems to have trouble speaking English, comes to chat with Chase. The phone rings. Since it’s a party line Chase listens in on the call and hears about an accident outside of town. Chase heads off to the accident scene and arrives before the sheriff. They find the car abandoned and blood on the upholstery. They can’t locate the driver. Chase notices some odd skid marks on the road. 

** Break 

** Joel converts some closet space into a soda shop like in the movie. Tom and Crow start giving him a hard time and Joel gets upset. Gypsy tries to help but accidentally knocks over the set. 

Mr. Compton drives the tow truck to the crash site. Along the way he passes a man carrying a suitcase. Then we get our first good look at the gila monster.

 Straight away it attacks the man leaving only his case behind. 

The sheriff has run the license plate from the wrecked car and found out it was stolen. Mr Compton hauls the car away while Chase and the sheriff head back to town. On the way Chase spots the suitcase from man that was eaten a little earlier. He stops to take a look. Pretty soon the sheriff stops and figuring someone lost it, he takes the suitcase with him. 

Chase stops by to check on his girlfriend, Lisa, who is from France and is taking care of some cranky old guy. She is worried she may get sent home but Chase assures her everything will be alright. 

The next day, Chase is out driving the tow truck when he finds a car stuck in a ditch. 

The driver is drunk and says his name is Horatio Alger Smith. His car is not drivable so Chase tows it to his shop. While the man sleeps it off, Chase starts fixing his car and at the same time singing a little tune. Mr Smith wakes up and pays Chase for towing and fixing his car. He also gives him his business card. Turns out he is “Steamroller” Smith, a famous disc jockey.  

The next day the sheriff stops by and asks Chase if he and his friends can help him help try to find the missing couple. 

Chase and company drive around all the back roads in search of the AWOL youngsters. He and Lisa walk into a ravine that looks a lot like the one we saw at the beginning of the film. Sure enough the lizard is there. Before they see it, they hear a car horn honking. 

It’s one of their friends and they’ve spotted the car but no one is in it.

** Break 

** Joel and the bots portray their favorite drunks like Old Man Harris from the movie. Crow is the guy that calls you at 3 am to tell you how much he loves you. He caries it a little too far. Tom is the New Years Eve drunk but he has a heart attack. Gypsy comes out and gives Joel a big kiss and gets lip stick all over his face. The whole thing kind of slips into an after school special.

They get the tow truck and haul the car out of the ravine. They bring it to the garage and the sheriff shows up. He asks a few questions then takes off to tell Mr Wheeler. 

Later, Mr Compton is driving a fuel truck when the gila monster attacks. The truck bursts into flames. 

Back home, Chase starts to walk into the living room when his mother stops him. She escorts him into the room where his little sister Missy is standing. She apparently has polio and has new leg braces on that Lisa bought for her. She tries to walk but can only take a few steps. Chase is absolutely thrilled for her. He grabs a banjo and sings her a little song. 

It’s bedtime for Missy, then the phone rings. The sheriff says Mr Compton is missing. Chase hurries to rendezvous with the sheriff. Old Man Harris is with him. The sheriff has a flat tire so they take Chase’s hotrod to where Old Man Harris (Shug Fisher) says the truck is located. The truck is burnt to a crisp but Mr Compton is not in it. They start searching the area for him but can’t find him. The sheriff tells Chase that a lot of livestock has gone missing. And now several people are missing. The mystery deepens. 

The next day, some friends of Chase hear on the radio that Steamroller Smith is going to be in town to spin a few tunes. Seems Chase had a little something to do with it. 

Old Man Harris is out driving and drinking. 

He sees a train coming and races to get across the track before the train stops him. He just makes it. The train continues on but the gila monster is nearby. It damages the tressel up ahead and causes the train to derail. Lunch time. Old Man Harris sees the giant beast but can’t believe his eyes. He reports the accident to the sheriff but since he is drunk the sheriff is not sure what to make of it. He notifies the state authorities to investigate. He puts Old Man Harris in the drunk tank. 

Chase is getting ready for a night out with Lisa. Again the phone rings. 

Again the sheriff needs his help. On his way to town he drops his sister off at a friend’s house. 

Seems the sheriff has been doing a little research. A zoologist told him how a gila monster might be able to grow to a huge size. With Harris telling him about what he saw and now some of the train wreck survivors also seeing it, he’s starting to think it might be true. He tells Chase to keep it all quiet for now and go have fun at the big shindig. 

** Break 

** It’s Servo On Cinema.

 Tom tries to explain some of the blocking techniques the director used in the film. Joel and Crow interrupt him sveral times before Cambot shows a montages of images from the film. All of the actors have their legs up on something.  Afterwards Joel and Crow have their legs up on the desk. 

Chase and all the kids in town are at a barn and ready to dance. Steamroller Smith comes in and the place is a rockin’. 

Mr Wheeler goes to see the sheriff. He’s still doesn’t like Chase and asks about the giant lizard story that’s going around. The sheriff still isn’t sure what to make of if but Mr Wheeler believes it. He also noticed that the tires on his sons car are missing and Chase has some new ones on his car. He demands the sheriff arrest Chase for theft. He even follows him to make sure he does. 

At the big party, Steamroller gets Chase to get up and sing a song. Just about then, Sheriff Jeff arrives and so does the gila monster. Just as Chase finishes singing the mighty lizard comes crashing through a wall. Everyone runs outside and the sheriff fires off a few rounds at it. The lizard crawls away. Chase and Lisa drive over to his storage shed where he retrieves some jars of nitroglycerin. 

As they head back to town they notice the gila monster has crawled through a field and right into the house that Missy is at. He follows the path the monster made and sees his sister. Lisa hops out of the car and grabs on to Missy while Chase continues on towards the beast. At the last moment he leaps from the car and it slams into critter. The car explodes, killing the brute. 

The sheriff and Mr Wheeler show up. Mr Wheeler realizes how hard a job the sheriff has and what a good young man Chase is. 

** Joel and the bots have formed a band called “Hee-La”. They quickly realize that the whole thing is kind of lame. They read a couple of letters, one of which is from Frank. He is very happy but Dr Forrester clubs him with a mace.  

Don Sullivan starred in several B movies like this also in 1959 before leaving acting in the early 60’s.

Fred Graham acted in many westerns and also worked as a stunt double in over 150 films. 

Shug Fisher made 22 appearances on Gunsmoke in minor roles, and played Shorty Kellums in The Beverly Hillbillies 

## Best Riffs 

## And for killing that salesman, you get this Samsonite luggage. 

## Still got your knee up I see. 

## Chase – level with me. 

“Do you think I’m pretty? “

## Sieg Heil everybody, Sieg Heil. 

This movie is great if for nothing else but everyone putting their leg up on stuff. All around solid episode.  4 out of  5



Episode 401


** Crow is the Great Crowdini and is trying to escape from some chains while hanging upside-down from the ceiling and a cannon pointed at him. Needless to say, it doesn’t go so well. 

Joel’s invention is the dollar-roid camera. The Mads invention is tissues with faces on them.

Space Travelers

A Saturn VI rocket lifts off from the launch pad carrying three men into space. The launch goes as planned and the command module, “Ironman One”, begins orbiting the earth. 

We then move ahead 5 months. The three men have been living and working on a space station. Down at mission control, the top managers are noticing that the astronaut’s motor skills seem to be slipping. They are debating on whether or not to cut the mission short. After watching a few videos of the crew, Charles Keith, the mission commander, decide to bring them home. 

The command module separates from the space station and begins the return flight but the main engine doesn’t fire. Flight Commander Ted Dougherty (David Janssen) instructs the crew that they will have to fire the engine manually when the ship comes back around in its orbit. The crew begins running through their check list in preparation. 

The time comes to fire the engine but once again it’s a no go. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots list all of the advancements we can be thankful for because of the space race. Many of the inventions seem to have a dubious connection with the space program. 

Ironman One continues its orbit while the ground crew tries to figure out what to do. The three astronauts, Jim Pruett, Clayton Stone and Buzz Lloyd, try to keep busy as they wait. Clayton, looking down on earth, notices a hurricane developing off the coast of Cuba. Meanwhile, Jim notices Buzz (Gene Hackman) is starting to get antsy. 

Down at ground control, things are getting desperate. There doesn’t seem to be any way to get the engine to work and they only have 42 hours of oxygen left. 

Dougherty wants to try some sort of rescue mission using a new rocket the air force has developed, but Keith (Gregory Peck) explains they don’t have enough time to get it set up for launch and it can’t hold four men. Dougherty gets pissed off and does some swearing. The air force guys say they can get the rocket ready in 40 hours and Dougherty can pilot the craft, so Keith gives in. 

They notify the astronauts of the rescue mission but they seem a little skeptical and want to take a look at the engines themselves. Ground control tells them to conserve their oxygen and to take some sleeping pills. The men are starting to feel a little hopeless and Buzz is beginning to lose his cool. After shutting down all of the non-essential equipment, Jim (Richard Crenna) and Clayton take their pills but Buzz decides not too and hides his. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots reenact a scene from the movie with Crow playing Gregory Peck, but he can’t stop using CB lingo.

One by one they bring the men’s wives in to talk with them. First is Jim’s wife Celia (Lee Grant). They try to have a little chit chat but no surprise the talk gets a little emotional. Next it’s Teresa (Nancy Kovack), Clayton’s wife. It too get emotional. When Betty, Buzz’s wife starts talking to him, he starts flipping out. He rants and raves that it’s all screwed up and they are all are blaming him. Betty (Mariette Hartley) quickly leaves the control room. Buzz is so wound up that Jim and Clayton have subdue him.


It’s almost launch time for the rescue mission and the hurricane that Clayton (James Franciscus) saw earlier is right over the launch site. 

With just under a minute left, they are forced to put the launch on hold due to the weather. Keith informs the men in space as well as Dougherty, who still wants to launch. 

Keith meets with a group of reporters. When one of them asks if the mission was still worth it, Keith gives him a dressing down. Just then one if the mission control guys shows him a report and Keith hurries back to the control room. It seems the eye of the hurricane is going to pass right over the launch site still giving them a chance to mount a rescue. 

The only problem is that by the time the rescue rocket reaches the men, they will be out of oxygen. Keith quietly asks one of his team if there is enough oxygen for two men to survive. There is. 

They eye passes over the site and the rocket is launched. Keith informs Jim about the launch. The two men do a quick calculation and Jim realizes they don’t have enough oxygen left. Keith asked him to think of some way to make the oxygen last longer.

 Jim realizes pretty quickly that one of them will have to sacrifice them self to save the others. After a short while, Jim decides it will be him. He tells the others he will go outside and try to fix the engine.

** Break 

** Joel asks Tom and Crow if they were in a similar situation to the movie which one would they choose to sacrifice but they are quick to point out that they don’t need oxygen since they are robots. 

They put on their helmets and Jim heads out. It dawns on Clayton and Buzz that he is just going to kill himself and not try to fix the engines at all. Buzz tries to stop him but Jim’s suit gets a tear in it and in nothing flat, he dies and bit by bit drifts away from the ship. 

They locate Jim’s wife and, over the phone, Keith not so gently break the news.

Meanwhile, Ted is in orbit and closing in on the two remaining men. Speaking of which, Buzz is really flipping out and Clayton is just about sick of him. The lack of oxygen is seriously affecting their thinking now. Ted is just minutes away and so is a Soviet spacecraft. Neither ship can get very close so the two men will have to float to be rescued. With Buzz almost dead, Clayton shoves him towards the Russians ship. The Russian is outside his ship on a tether but Buzz sails by just out of his reach. Ted sees him and wearing a jet pack goes after him.

 He grabs him, gives him some air and takes him back to his ship. The Russian guy makes it to Clayton, who was still inside the capsule. He gives him some oxygen then Ted makes it there. The men are rescued and everyone at ground control celebrates. Well, all except for Jim’s wife that is. 

** Joel plays the old three shell game with the bots and has them try to find the James Franciscus action figure. Of course it’s a trick and they can’t find it. Frank and Dr Forrester are unimpressed by the whole thing. 

Gregory Peck won an Academy Award for his role as Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird in 1962. He also starred in Roman Holiday in 1953 and The Omen in 1976 among his many movie roles  

Richard Crenna starred in The Real McCots from 1957 – 1963. He also starred in the first three Rambo films.

David Janssen was most famous for his portrayal of Dr Richard Kimble in the TV show The Fugitive from 1963 -1967. He died from a heart attack at the age of 48 in 1980.


James Franciscus starred in Mr Novak from 1963 – 1965 

Gene Hackman won the best actor Oscar for The French Connection and best supporting actor for Unforgiven as well as his many honors in countless memorable roles  

Lee Grant won a best supporting actresses award in 1975 for Shampoo and directed the 1986 best documentary winner Down and Out in America 

Nancy Kovack appeared in many movies and TV shows throughout the 1960’s.

Mariette Hartley has appeared in over 100 movies and TV shows including winning an Emmy for a guest appearance on The Incredible Hulk. 

Best Riffs 

## Hey look, they are all wearing jockstraps on their heads. 

## Jiggle the antenna….put it on channel 3

## My kids drew this. Hope you like them.

## It’s helmet day at NASA 

This is actually a reasonably good movie. The riffs are solid and Crow’s Gregory Peck is great. 4 out of 5


Episode 324

Master Ninja II

** Joel and the bots try a little improve but it doesn’t go so well. Frank and Dr Forrester invent the conveyor belt buffet while Joel and the bots make a self contained habitat for a gerbil. 

When we last left McAllister and Max, they were looking for Teri, McAllister’s daughter, in episode 322. Well, they are still looking for her. 

Now they are at a dirt bike track in Clearwater. Seems Max is a past champion at this track and he going to try and reclaim the title. He runs into an old friend of his, Hog. Also, there is a lady named Carrie Brown. She is also a biker and works at the local cannery. The cannery is run by Chad Webster. He is also a biker. Carrie doesn’t like him. 

The race gets underway and Max and Carrie are in the lead group. Carrie (Crystal Bernard) barely edges out Max for the win. 

Max tries to get a date with Carrie but she turns him down. 

The next day at the cannery, Carrie is handling out fliers about a union organizing event when Max and McAllister show up. Since Max didn’t win the race, he’s going to try and get a job so they can have some cash. 

While this is going on a large pallet of goods is being unloaded from a ship. When the crane malfunctions, the pallet lands on top of a man’s legs. Max and several others try to rescue him. McAllister saves the day by throwing one of his ninja gadgets, which cuts the cable, causing the pallet to fall into the harbor. 

After all the fun is over, Max asks Carrie out again. This time she agrees. She heads into the foreman’s office to complain about the accident. Nobody seems to concerned about the fact that one of their coworkers just had his legs crushed. Of course Carrie brings up the union again to the foreman. She storms out of the office just before Webster comes into the office. He wants Ralph, the foreman, to fire her but Ralph can’t because she is so well liked. 

McAllister and Max are at a hotel. Max is getting ready for his date when McAllister lays down on the floor. He looks as though he is dead and Max freaks out, 

but McAllister had just slowed his breathing and heart rate down. I’m sure this will come up again later. 

** Break 

** In honor of the custom van that Max drives around, the bots draw what they would like for a custom van. 

Max and McAllister go to the bar where they are supposed to meet Carrie. Webster is there also. Max sits down with Carrie while McAllister saddles up to the bar. Webster has a little talk with McAllister to try and persuade him and Max into leaving town. Sure enough a brawl brakes out and Max gets thrown through another window while McAllister is able to grab Carrie and sneak away. 

They give Carrie a ride home and she fills them in on how Webster has control over the town. 

Webster even had Carrie’s brother killed when he tried to get a union started at the cannery, but Carrie has been unable to prove it. 

Next morning at the cannery no one will talk to Carrie for fear of getting in trouble with Webster. He tells Ralph it’s time to get rid of Carrie. Max shows up and when Webster tears down a union organizing poster, Max gives him a little sass and out of the blue everyone is back to being on team Carrie. 

At the big meeting nobody is willing to sign the petition until, you guessed it, Max gives an inspirational speech, then everyone is begging to sign up.

McAllister is haging around outside Motel 40 Winks, when Webster and some goons try to pick a fight. Then presto, it’s Max to the rescue on his motor bike. McAllister hops on the back and the chase is on.

As expected, McAllister has a bunch of his ninja toys with him and they easily dispatch the bad guys. 

They track down Carrie at her place. It has been trashed by Webster. Time for Max and McAllister to go on the offensive, but not before Max gets a little action with Carrie. They break into the cannery, beat up a couple of guards and then find some files in Ralph’s office that could implicate Webster in the murder of Carrie’s brother. 

** Break 

** Crow does an impression of General Patton only it’s General Timothy Van Patten. 

One of the guards calls Webster and before you can says Bob’s your uncle, a couple of vehicles are following the M boys. One shotgun blast later and Max wrecks the van. He falls out and collapses on the ground. The bad guys grab McAllister but he’s dead or is he? Max comes to and takes off running. 

Thinking McAllister is dead they put him in a jeep. Webster wants to go after Carrie next but Ralph is steadfast against it. Webster reminds him about Carrie’s brother and Ralph falls in line. 

Max ran as fast as he could and gets to Carrie’s house to warn her but Webster and the other show up just as he does. 

The scene shifts to an old graveyard. They dig a grave and roll McAllister in. As they start to cover him up, Max starts going on about how Webster gets a thrill out of killing people. Webster shoots Max and Carrie. No wait, on the contrary he babbles on about stuff before deciding to shoot Ralph instead. Before he can though, McAllister rises from the grave and grabs him. 

A big fight ensues and the good guys win. 

Back at the cannery McAllister and Max bid Carrie goodbye. Max promises to come back and see her during next year’s race. 

Next, Max is flying a light wing aircraft. He is flying low over a sports car that is careening out of control on a curvy road. The driver, Alisha Clayton, grabs ahold of the plane

 and her car goes flying off a cliff before tumbling down and, of course, exploding. Max literally drops her down to McAllister, who catches her. Uh oh, it looks like our old friend Okasa is watching McAllister again. I’m sure we will see him again later. 

Alicia can’t stop thanking her saviors and invites them to a party. Seems her father is a senator and is throwing some sort of shindig. 

While this is going on, a bunch of people in military fatigues are plotting how to crash that very party. It looks as though they are planning on taking some hostages and holding them for ransom. The group is lead by Castile and Serena but they don’t necessarily see eye to eye. It looks like Serena is in it for the cause but Castile ( David McCallum) is just a hired hand. 

Now it’s off to the party. The good guys show up and Max locates Alisha and starts chatting. A man at the party spots McAllister and recognizes him. 

The man’s name is Mallory and he knows all about McAllister and his past. He is suspicious as to why McAllister is at the party. 

The bad guys crash the party using helicopters. They take Senator Clayton (Robert Dowdell), Alisha and several others hostage. Hey look, it’s Osaka again. He gives one of the bad guys a kick in the head and jumps behind some bushes. The bad guys take the hostages to the helicopters

 but Osaka decides to throw a ninja star at McAllister. He misses but McAllister grabs it and nails one of the bad guys before they can take off. This allows the senator to get away. As they fly away Mallory is able to stick a tracking device on one of the copters. He runs to his car and starts following them. 

Max and McAllister are arrested under suspicion of being involved in the hostage taking. They are taken to some sort of CIA command center for questioning. 

Mallory (George Lazenby) tracks down where the hostages where taken. He gets some pictures of the building and all of the guards before heading to the command center as well.  

The bad guys want a bunch of political prisoners released or they will kill the hostages. The CIA boss plans on attacking the bad guys before giving in to their demands. Mallory thinks that’s a bad idea. The boss says the only other alternative is finding a ninja. Wonder if they can find one?

** Break 

** Tom and Crow are arguing about why Max has a hamster, or is it a gerbil, and why it is or isn’t an appropriate pet for his character. 

McAllister agrees to go after the hostages but he does not want Max to go with him. He thinks he will just get killed, CIA guy (Monte Markham) agrees. 

McAllister goes back to the motel and gets his gear. As he prepares to leave, Okasa tries to sneak in and the two get into a big fight.

 McAllister uses one of his smoke bomb things and gets away. Max is released from custody and immediately goes looking for McAllister. 

McAllister and Mallory arrive at the hostage site. Ninja guy throws a grappling hook up over a wall and starts to climb. 

Some how Max figures out where the two if them are. It just happens to be close to where he left his light wing aircraft. Mallory starts to climb as Max takes to the air. Mallory makes it up the wall and he and McAllister start looking for the hostages, but the bad guys spot them on their surveillance cameras. Somehow Max is able to land in the courtyard of the place and no one notices him. McAllister grabs a bad guy and he tells him where the hostages are, but before he get to them, another bad guy knocks him out and captures him. 

Castile and Serena find out that the CIA are going to raid their hide out at dawn so they prepare to leave. They also prepare to execute the hostages with the first one to be Alisha. 

Mallory is eventually captured as well but old man ninja is able to escape. One of the bad guys starts to maul at Alisha (Jennifer Runyon) but then Max shows up. He kicks the guy’s ass and saves the girl.

 McAllister walks in and they free the other hostages. 

Castile is alone with Mallory. The two of them go way back so Castile wants to kill him himself, but first he wants to have a chat. This, of course, gives McAllister enough time to find them and kick Castile in the head. 

Max finds a large truck and loads all the hostages on board and they escape while Mallory and McAllister climb back down the rope. 

The cops and CIA show up and Max says goodbye to Alisha. 

He wants to take McAllister to Las Vegas and show him a good time but McAllister says they just had a good time and the credits roll. 

** Joel has made a Lee Van Cleef dress up doll complete with slimming ninja outfit. Frank wants to get serious for a minute and tells a story about watching Monte Markham in the tv show The Second Hundred Years and how he wants it to come back. Afterwards Dr Forrester crushes Frank’s scull. 

Lee Van Cleef was in episodes 311 and 322 

Timothy Van Patten was in episode 322

Crystal Bernard played Helen Chapel on the tv show Wings from 1990 to 1997 

David McCallum is best know as Illya Kuryakin in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. from 1964 – 1968 

George Lazenby is most famous for his one time role as James Bond in the 1969 movie On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. 

Monte Markham played Captain Don Thorpe on Baywatch from 1989 – 1992


Robert Dowdell played Chip Morton on Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea from 1964 to 1968 

Jennifer Runyon had small roles in Ghostbusters, The Falcon and the Snowman as well as a recurring role on Charles In Charge. 

Best Riffs 

## Bruce Lee Press On Nails

## Oh my aching neck  

## This guy’s got a knife in his didgeridoo

A solid episode to end season 3. Good riffs and a stupid movie. 3 out of 5


​Episode 323

The Castle of Fu Manchu

** Joel and the bots sing a new song about the satellite of love. Joel forgot about the invention exchange so he didn’t have anything ready. Dr Forrester and Frank invented the stinky bomb in honor of the movie.

A voice over by Fu Manchu explains how his great new power will turn the tropical waters off of South America into ice. From his hideout, Fu Manchu and his henchmen man the controls of this…. whatever it is and cause an iceberg to crash into a cruise ship. The ship promptly sinks.

The scene shifts to an English countryside where two men are doing a little fishing in a stream. Unfortunately the fish aren’t biting. 

They take a break from angling to eat some lunch when a man on a bicycle rides up with a message for them. The two men, Nayland Smith and Dr. Petrie, need to return to Interpol right away. They take the next train back to London.

Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) then delivers a radio message demanding total obedience to his commands or he will freeze the oceans. The team at Interpol can’t figure out where the message came from. They only have 14 days to figure it out or disaster will be fall mankind.

Next we go to Istanbul where Lin Tang, Fu Manchu’s daughter is on a boat where she meets a lady named Lisa.

 Lisa takes Lin to meet Omar Pasha. This all has to do with opium and Fu Manchu trying to control its supply. Apparently he needs it to run his ice making machine.

** Break

** Crow reads a letter he wrote about white actors playing none white roles. He is very distressed as are Joel and Tom. This really pleases the Mads.

Lin Tang and a group of men attack the castle of the governor with the help of Lisa and some of Omar’s men. The castle has a large supply of opium. They seize the head guy there and kill him. Fu then has all of Omar’s men killed but spares Lisa. In an attempt to not arouse suspicion, Fu sends out a message from the Governor’s office that the attack failed.

Back at Interpol, Smith (Richard Greene) and Petrie (Howard Marion Crawford) find out about the attack and quickly put two and two together. 

They try to contact a Dr. Heracles. He has done a lot of research on the whole thing that Fu has being doing. Turns out Fu got to him first.

The doctor is in a bed at the castle. He has a bad heart but Fu needs him to do some lab work. To save the doctor’s life, he plans on giving him a heart transplant.

Back in England, Petrie and Smith visit Dr. Curt Kessler and his wife Dr. Ingrid Cox. Kessler is Heracles heart doctor. The four of them decide to go to Istanbul and look for Heracles but before they can go, Kessler and Cox are abducted by some of Fu’s men.

** Break

** Joel and the bots try to do a sketch about them flying on magic carpets but Tom breaks down crying. The movie is so bad it’s having a terrible effect on all of them. Dr Forrester and Frank are very pleased with themselves.

Omar finds out that he has been double crossed and plots his revenge.

The two doctors are taken to Istanbul where Fu orders them to remove the heart from a healthy man and put it in Heracles so he can live. Kessler is not sure if he wants to do it. Fu tells him if he doesn’t he will torture his wife. To prove he is serious, Fu has a dam destroyed, killing a bunch of people.

Smith and Petrie also make it to Istanbul. Smith will try to sneak into the castle.

Kessler decide to do the operation. Somehow Fu has a state of the art operating room in the castle. Kessler and Cox perform the operation which takes hours to complete and is a success.

Smith bumps into Omar near the castle. They agree to work together to get Fu Manchu.

With the operation complete, Fu takes Cox away so that Kessler can just concentrate on Heracles recovery. They put her in a cell next to Lisa, who has been tortured.

** Break

** The bots are really distressed by how bad the movie is. Joel tries to cheer them up with some drawings about how Fu Manchu got his name but eventually even Joel can’t take. The Mads are delighted.

Lin Tang informs Fu that the guards have captured Omar. They bring him to Fu.

 They also bring Lisa from her cell. Omar tells him he wants Lisa returned to him. He also tells him that his men have captured Nayland Smith. Fu agrees to release Lisa but they can’t leave yet. Omar pulls out a knife and throws it at Fu but misses. Lisa gets away but Omar is captured. He tells them where Smith really is then Lin Tang kills him. Fu sends some men to attack the building he and Omar’s men are hiding in.

Heracles finally wakes up from surgery but he refuses to help Fu. Lin Tang tells Fu that Smith and the other men are dead. Fu broadcasts his finally ultimatum and announces Smith is dead. Dr Petrie hears this and is stunned. Fu eventually gets the formula from Heracles.

Smith, not really dead, swims his way to the castle.

The two doctors are in a cell together. Kessler was able sneak some acid from the operating room. He uses it the break the lock and they escape.

Smith finds Lisa and the two of them try to send a message to London on Fu’s radio.

 Fu figures out where they are and disables the radio. Lisa and Smith find Heracles but some of Fu’s men find them. Smith, with a little help from Lisa, is able to fight them off. They grab Heracles and escape.

Cox and Kessler are trying to escape through a tunnel when Fu starts flooding it with water. They are barely able to make it out.

Lisa, not knowing that Omar is dead, goes back to try and save him but she drowns in one of the tunnels.

For some reason everything starts to explode as Fu tries to escape. A voice over from Fu proclaims “The world shall hear from me again”.

** Joel tries to read a letter but just can’t. The Mads are toasting their success but Joel tells them they should try watching the movie. Frank and Dr Forrester start watching a clip from the film but quickly they run out of things to make fun of and start getting angry, so they shut it off. Frank says they would have made some funnier comments but the movie wasn’t any good. This cheers up Joel and the bots but ticks off Dr Forrester. Time to put Frank’s head in a wood vice.

Christopher Lee is famous for his many portrayals of Dracula and more recently as Saruman in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He passed away in 2015 at 93 years old.

Richard Greene is best known for The Adventures of Robin Hood, a British television series which ran from 1955 to 1959. He died 1985 at 66 years old.

Howard Marion Crawford appeared in five Fu Manchu movies.

## Best Riffs
## Even the credits stink

## It’s “Run Away with the Rich and Famous”

## Ya know, I’m learning a lot more about this guy’s nasal hair than I ever really wanted to know

## Only you can prevent desk fires!

Wow this movie is bad. The camera work is terrible and almost nothing happens. And that doesn’t even cover Christopher Lee playing an Asian guy. There are some good riffs and Frank and Dr Forrester are great but they don’t save this one. 1 out of 5


Episode 322

Master Ninja 

** The bots made a model “car” in honor of the muscle cars of old. 

For the invention exchange, the Mads make “boil-in-the-bag intervenes diners”. Joel’s invention is adult novel pop up books. Dr Forrester tries to suffocate Frank with a pillow but is forced to stop so he can send the movie. 

First we meet a young man named Max Keller. He is thrown out of a bar window after trying to help someone. He gets back at the bikers that did it by tying their motorcycles up so that can’t ride them. 

Meanwhile over in Japan, we meet John Peter McAllister, an American that is a  master ninja. He is coming back to America to find a daughter, Teri, he never knew he had. One of his students is not pleased that he is leaving and tries to stop him. And by stop him I mean kill him. McAllister is able to get away but gets a ninja star in the back. 

Max drives around the country in his van doing odd jobs. He ends up in Ellerston Illinois. Driving into town, a girl runs out of the woods and Max has to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting her.

 Her name is Holly Trumble and she desperately needs a ride. Max takes her to her father’s little airport while being followed by a man in a car. Turns out the man is actually the sheriff. With some fancy driving they are able to get away. 

After dropping Holly off, Max heads to a local bar. Just about that time, McAllister walks in. As does the sheriff. Before long a fight breaks out and Max goes flying through the window. Then McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) goes into action. Luckily for everyone, he attacks the bar. First he takes out a hanging light with a ninja star. Then he jump kicks a couple pinball machines. After that, he breaks a pool cue in half on his neck and throws the two pieces through some other games. 

Not done yet, he round house kicks a bunch of glasses. Then finally, he jumps again and takes out some wooden decorations. Max sees all of this and is very impressed. McAllister grabs Max (Timothy Van Patten) and they both high tail it out of there. 

The two of them now need a place to hide from the sheriff, so instead of leaving town, they go to Trumble Airport. When they arrive they see Mr Trumble talking to another man. This man is a lawyer representing a Mr Christensen. He wants to buy the airport but Trumble is not selling. Trumble (Claude Akins) lets our heroes hide out at the airport until the heat is off. Holly (Demi Moore) even gives Max a little kiss. 

McAllister fills Max in on his back story and why he is there. He was in Japan at the end of the war and decided to stay and became  a Ninja master. Later he found out about his daughter. Turns out she was at this very airport not too long ago. Max says he will help McAllister find his daughter if he teaches him to be a Ninja but McAllister not taking on any hot headed pupils right not. Max decides to take his hamster and leave. 

Oh that’s right, I forgot to mention, Max has a pet hamster that he likes to carry around with him. He keeps it in the van were it likes to run on an exercise wheel. Max drives away. Holly sees him leave then she sees a fire break out in one of the hangers. The fire was set by the sheriff and a couple of henchmen men. .  
** Break 

** Crow presents the Van Patten Project. An insidious plot to get a Van Patten in every bad or low budget tv show or film in Hollywood. 

Now we meet Mr. Christensen. He’s throwing a big shindig to celebrate his new shopping center he is going build on a certain airport property. His lawyer tries to tell him about the nights events at the airport but Max barges in and starts in on him about trying to get ride of the Trumbles. Mr. Christensen has him thrown out of course but not through a window. McAllister is waiting outside for him.  Looks like he is going to teach him after all.

The next day the training begins in earnest. Of course McAllister is dressed in a full ninja outfit so you can’t tell it’s really his stunt double.

 Max even impresses the old master a little bit. While this is happening, there is someone watching them from the trees. It looks like McAllister’s past is looking for him as well. 

Max and McAllister decide to pay the sheriff a little visit. At night when the sheriff (Bill McKinney) is driving by, McAllister uses a ninja star to blow out a tire. He then jumps through the windshield into the passenger seat. Then poof, he’s gone. The sheriff gets out of the car only to be quickly tied up. Max asks him who helped him set the fire and where is Christensen. With a samurai sword at his throat the sheriff spills the beans. 

They head for Christensen’s office tower. Max goes in through the main entrance and fights his way past a few guards while McAllister climbs up the side of the building. Christensen (Clu Gulager) is packing up his stuff.

 Looks like he is going to get out Ellerston. 

It also looks like our snooping friend from earlier is in the building and he is looking for McAllister. Max makes it to the top floor and confronts Christensen. After getting shot at a few times, Max kills him with a ninja star. Now it’s time for some good old fashioned ninja fighting. After a protracted battle McAllister gets the upper hand on his opponent but decided to spare his life. His name is Okasa and he is the former student that tried to kill him in Japan. Maybe we will see him again sometime. 

Turns out Holly knew McAllister’s daughter. She said she went to San Francisco so that’s where our odd couple will be heading. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots have a bar fight but each one has their own theme music. Frank tries to get in on the act but Dr Forrester puts a stop to it. 

Now in San Francisco, Max and McAllister go into some sort of dance club. 

Holly mentioned a girl McAllister’s daughter knew worked there. The place is run by a Mr Patterson. One of his daughters is a dancer and the other is confined to a wheelchair. Max tries to talk to the dancer but doesn’t get very far as the bouncer keeps him away. 

Meanwhile a group of Asian men come in the club to talk to Mr Patterson. McAllister recognizes a ring one of the men is wearing. Looks like trouble. The men seem to be threatening Patterson but for a little protection money they can stop . McAllister steps in and finds out that one of the men is a ninja also. Eventually the men leave. Max is finally able to talk to the dancer, Kelly, and learns where Teri might be staying. The two decide to go see if she is there. 

They start driving and are immediately followed by the Asian guys. It seems the bad guys don’t like McAllister helping Mr Patterson. Max is able to give them the slip. He hides the van which means only one thing, time for McAllister to do some ninja stuff. He puts on the black suit and climbs up a telephone poll and walks out on the wire.

 When the bad guys car drives under him, he jumps down on it. They drive off with him on top. McAllister then smashes the front windshield and pulls the steering wheel off. He hops off as the car goes into the harbor. 

Now the bad guys have to come up with some other way to get some money out of Patterson. They decide to kidnap Kelly. 

McAllister goes to the club. He gives the daughter in the wheelchair, Jill, a little pep talk, then offers to help Patterson with the bad guys. Max is keeping an eye on Kelly but the bad guys get her anyway. They call Patterson and demand $20,000. Since they don’t know where she is, McAllister suggest that they pay it, but he has a clever idea and it involves Jill. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots come up with some different items to replace the nunchaku, like cluck-chucks and thumb-chucks

Jill rolls down to the rendezvous point and hands over the money. 

While they make the exchange, McAllister hides himself under their car. The bad guys drive away with him hanging on underneath. They make it to their office in China Town with McAllister still hanging on. Now he knows where they are keeping Kelly. The bad guys call Patterson and makes one final demand. He must sign over ownership of the club to them before he can get his daughter back. Patterson agrees to do it. 

That night, Max and McAllister make their way to the bad guys building. The thugs make Kelly dance for them. McAllister fires a grappling hook from one building to the next. He and Max slide down the cable into the room wear Kelly is. They defeat the two guys there, grab Kelly and the money, and head back out the way they came in. Which means it time for more wire walking. First McAllister helps Kelly make it across. Then Max does it. 

Safe and sound on the other side, they walk away without any problems. Wait, it’s the other ninja guy they saw at the club. 

He and McAllister do battle while Max and Kelly head for the car. Of course McAllister wins or there wouldn’t be a Master Ninja 2. 

Back at the dance club they have a little celebration. McAllister’s daughter is not in San Francisco after all. Looks like they will have to look for her elsewhere. 

** While Joel reads a letter the bots make their own master ninja theme song. When they are done we see that Frank is suffocating Dr Forrester this time but is forced to stop so he can push the button. 

We last saw Lee Van Cleef in episode 311 “It Conquered the World”

Timothy Van Patten is best know as an actor for his role as Salami on The White Shadow but is mostly know today as a director

Demi Moore was 22 years old when this movie was made. Of course she has gone on the become a huge Hollywood star. 

Claude Akins is best-known for his role of Sheriff Lobo on the TV show B.J. and the Bear. 

Clu Gulager played Billy the Kid on The Tall Man and Emmett Ryker in The Virginian.

Bill McKinney played a mountain man in the movie Deliverance. He also appeared in several Clint Eastwood movies, including The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Gauntlet and Pink Cadillac.

Best Riffs 

## Tonight on Mrs. Ironside

## Hey mister, your ninja is dragging. 

## Who smells like urine and cedar chips in here?

## Slurp Slurp Slurp

I really like this episode. The movie is not really a movie of course. It’s two episodes of a tv show called The Master stitched together into a movie. Either way it’s great 80’s schlock. Everything about it is cheesy. 4 out of 5