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​Episode 323

The Castle of Fu Manchu

** Joel and the bots sing a new song about the satellite of love. Joel forgot about the invention exchange so he didn’t have anything ready. Dr Forrester and Frank invented the stinky bomb in honor of the movie.

A voice over by Fu Manchu explains how his great new power will turn the tropical waters off of South America into ice. From his hideout, Fu Manchu and his henchmen man the controls of this…. whatever it is and cause an iceberg to crash into a cruise ship. The ship promptly sinks.

The scene shifts to an English countryside where two men are doing a little fishing in a stream. Unfortunately the fish aren’t biting. 

They take a break from angling to eat some lunch when a man on a bicycle rides up with a message for them. The two men, Nayland Smith and Dr. Petrie, need to return to Interpol right away. They take the next train back to London.

Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) then delivers a radio message demanding total obedience to his commands or he will freeze the oceans. The team at Interpol can’t figure out where the message came from. They only have 14 days to figure it out or disaster will be fall mankind.

Next we go to Istanbul where Lin Tang, Fu Manchu’s daughter is on a boat where she meets a lady named Lisa.

 Lisa takes Lin to meet Omar Pasha. This all has to do with opium and Fu Manchu trying to control its supply. Apparently he needs it to run his ice making machine.

** Break

** Crow reads a letter he wrote about white actors playing none white roles. He is very distressed as are Joel and Tom. This really pleases the Mads.

Lin Tang and a group of men attack the castle of the governor with the help of Lisa and some of Omar’s men. The castle has a large supply of opium. They seize the head guy there and kill him. Fu then has all of Omar’s men killed but spares Lisa. In an attempt to not arouse suspicion, Fu sends out a message from the Governor’s office that the attack failed.

Back at Interpol, Smith (Richard Greene) and Petrie (Howard Marion Crawford) find out about the attack and quickly put two and two together. 

They try to contact a Dr. Heracles. He has done a lot of research on the whole thing that Fu has being doing. Turns out Fu got to him first.

The doctor is in a bed at the castle. He has a bad heart but Fu needs him to do some lab work. To save the doctor’s life, he plans on giving him a heart transplant.

Back in England, Petrie and Smith visit Dr. Curt Kessler and his wife Dr. Ingrid Cox. Kessler is Heracles heart doctor. The four of them decide to go to Istanbul and look for Heracles but before they can go, Kessler and Cox are abducted by some of Fu’s men.

** Break

** Joel and the bots try to do a sketch about them flying on magic carpets but Tom breaks down crying. The movie is so bad it’s having a terrible effect on all of them. Dr Forrester and Frank are very pleased with themselves.

Omar finds out that he has been double crossed and plots his revenge.

The two doctors are taken to Istanbul where Fu orders them to remove the heart from a healthy man and put it in Heracles so he can live. Kessler is not sure if he wants to do it. Fu tells him if he doesn’t he will torture his wife. To prove he is serious, Fu has a dam destroyed, killing a bunch of people.

Smith and Petrie also make it to Istanbul. Smith will try to sneak into the castle.

Kessler decide to do the operation. Somehow Fu has a state of the art operating room in the castle. Kessler and Cox perform the operation which takes hours to complete and is a success.

Smith bumps into Omar near the castle. They agree to work together to get Fu Manchu.

With the operation complete, Fu takes Cox away so that Kessler can just concentrate on Heracles recovery. They put her in a cell next to Lisa, who has been tortured.

** Break

** The bots are really distressed by how bad the movie is. Joel tries to cheer them up with some drawings about how Fu Manchu got his name but eventually even Joel can’t take. The Mads are delighted.

Lin Tang informs Fu that the guards have captured Omar. They bring him to Fu.

 They also bring Lisa from her cell. Omar tells him he wants Lisa returned to him. He also tells him that his men have captured Nayland Smith. Fu agrees to release Lisa but they can’t leave yet. Omar pulls out a knife and throws it at Fu but misses. Lisa gets away but Omar is captured. He tells them where Smith really is then Lin Tang kills him. Fu sends some men to attack the building he and Omar’s men are hiding in.

Heracles finally wakes up from surgery but he refuses to help Fu. Lin Tang tells Fu that Smith and the other men are dead. Fu broadcasts his finally ultimatum and announces Smith is dead. Dr Petrie hears this and is stunned. Fu eventually gets the formula from Heracles.

Smith, not really dead, swims his way to the castle.

The two doctors are in a cell together. Kessler was able sneak some acid from the operating room. He uses it the break the lock and they escape.

Smith finds Lisa and the two of them try to send a message to London on Fu’s radio.

 Fu figures out where they are and disables the radio. Lisa and Smith find Heracles but some of Fu’s men find them. Smith, with a little help from Lisa, is able to fight them off. They grab Heracles and escape.

Cox and Kessler are trying to escape through a tunnel when Fu starts flooding it with water. They are barely able to make it out.

Lisa, not knowing that Omar is dead, goes back to try and save him but she drowns in one of the tunnels.

For some reason everything starts to explode as Fu tries to escape. A voice over from Fu proclaims “The world shall hear from me again”.

** Joel tries to read a letter but just can’t. The Mads are toasting their success but Joel tells them they should try watching the movie. Frank and Dr Forrester start watching a clip from the film but quickly they run out of things to make fun of and start getting angry, so they shut it off. Frank says they would have made some funnier comments but the movie wasn’t any good. This cheers up Joel and the bots but ticks off Dr Forrester. Time to put Frank’s head in a wood vice.

Christopher Lee is famous for his many portrayals of Dracula and more recently as Saruman in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He passed away in 2015 at 93 years old.

Richard Greene is best known for The Adventures of Robin Hood, a British television series which ran from 1955 to 1959. He died 1985 at 66 years old.

Howard Marion Crawford appeared in five Fu Manchu movies.

## Best Riffs
## Even the credits stink

## It’s “Run Away with the Rich and Famous”

## Ya know, I’m learning a lot more about this guy’s nasal hair than I ever really wanted to know

## Only you can prevent desk fires!

Wow this movie is bad. The camera work is terrible and almost nothing happens. And that doesn’t even cover Christopher Lee playing an Asian guy. There are some good riffs and Frank and Dr Forrester are great but they don’t save this one. 1 out of 5

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Episode 322

Master Ninja 

** The bots made a model “car” in honor of the muscle cars of old. 

For the invention exchange, the Mads make “boil-in-the-bag intervenes diners”. Joel’s invention is adult novel pop up books. Dr Forrester tries to suffocate Frank with a pillow but is forced to stop so he can send the movie. 

First we meet a young man named Max Keller. He is thrown out of a bar window after trying to help someone. He gets back at the bikers that did it by tying their motorcycles up so that can’t ride them. 

Meanwhile over in Japan, we meet John Peter McAllister, an American that is a  master ninja. He is coming back to America to find a daughter, Teri, he never knew he had. One of his students is not pleased that he is leaving and tries to stop him. And by stop him I mean kill him. McAllister is able to get away but gets a ninja star in the back. 

Max drives around the country in his van doing odd jobs. He ends up in Ellerston Illinois. Driving into town, a girl runs out of the woods and Max has to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting her.

 Her name is Holly Trumble and she desperately needs a ride. Max takes her to her father’s little airport while being followed by a man in a car. Turns out the man is actually the sheriff. With some fancy driving they are able to get away. 

After dropping Holly off, Max heads to a local bar. Just about that time, McAllister walks in. As does the sheriff. Before long a fight breaks out and Max goes flying through the window. Then McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) goes into action. Luckily for everyone, he attacks the bar. First he takes out a hanging light with a ninja star. Then he jump kicks a couple pinball machines. After that, he breaks a pool cue in half on his neck and throws the two pieces through some other games. 

Not done yet, he round house kicks a bunch of glasses. Then finally, he jumps again and takes out some wooden decorations. Max sees all of this and is very impressed. McAllister grabs Max (Timothy Van Patten) and they both high tail it out of there. 

The two of them now need a place to hide from the sheriff, so instead of leaving town, they go to Trumble Airport. When they arrive they see Mr Trumble talking to another man. This man is a lawyer representing a Mr Christensen. He wants to buy the airport but Trumble is not selling. Trumble (Claude Akins) lets our heroes hide out at the airport until the heat is off. Holly (Demi Moore) even gives Max a little kiss. 

McAllister fills Max in on his back story and why he is there. He was in Japan at the end of the war and decided to stay and became  a Ninja master. Later he found out about his daughter. Turns out she was at this very airport not too long ago. Max says he will help McAllister find his daughter if he teaches him to be a Ninja but McAllister not taking on any hot headed pupils right not. Max decides to take his hamster and leave. 

Oh that’s right, I forgot to mention, Max has a pet hamster that he likes to carry around with him. He keeps it in the van were it likes to run on an exercise wheel. Max drives away. Holly sees him leave then she sees a fire break out in one of the hangers. The fire was set by the sheriff and a couple of henchmen men. .  
** Break 

** Crow presents the Van Patten Project. An insidious plot to get a Van Patten in every bad or low budget tv show or film in Hollywood. 

Now we meet Mr. Christensen. He’s throwing a big shindig to celebrate his new shopping center he is going build on a certain airport property. His lawyer tries to tell him about the nights events at the airport but Max barges in and starts in on him about trying to get ride of the Trumbles. Mr. Christensen has him thrown out of course but not through a window. McAllister is waiting outside for him.  Looks like he is going to teach him after all.

The next day the training begins in earnest. Of course McAllister is dressed in a full ninja outfit so you can’t tell it’s really his stunt double.

 Max even impresses the old master a little bit. While this is happening, there is someone watching them from the trees. It looks like McAllister’s past is looking for him as well. 

Max and McAllister decide to pay the sheriff a little visit. At night when the sheriff (Bill McKinney) is driving by, McAllister uses a ninja star to blow out a tire. He then jumps through the windshield into the passenger seat. Then poof, he’s gone. The sheriff gets out of the car only to be quickly tied up. Max asks him who helped him set the fire and where is Christensen. With a samurai sword at his throat the sheriff spills the beans. 

They head for Christensen’s office tower. Max goes in through the main entrance and fights his way past a few guards while McAllister climbs up the side of the building. Christensen (Clu Gulager) is packing up his stuff.

 Looks like he is going to get out Ellerston. 

It also looks like our snooping friend from earlier is in the building and he is looking for McAllister. Max makes it to the top floor and confronts Christensen. After getting shot at a few times, Max kills him with a ninja star. Now it’s time for some good old fashioned ninja fighting. After a protracted battle McAllister gets the upper hand on his opponent but decided to spare his life. His name is Okasa and he is the former student that tried to kill him in Japan. Maybe we will see him again sometime. 

Turns out Holly knew McAllister’s daughter. She said she went to San Francisco so that’s where our odd couple will be heading. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots have a bar fight but each one has their own theme music. Frank tries to get in on the act but Dr Forrester puts a stop to it. 

Now in San Francisco, Max and McAllister go into some sort of dance club. 

Holly mentioned a girl McAllister’s daughter knew worked there. The place is run by a Mr Patterson. One of his daughters is a dancer and the other is confined to a wheelchair. Max tries to talk to the dancer but doesn’t get very far as the bouncer keeps him away. 

Meanwhile a group of Asian men come in the club to talk to Mr Patterson. McAllister recognizes a ring one of the men is wearing. Looks like trouble. The men seem to be threatening Patterson but for a little protection money they can stop . McAllister steps in and finds out that one of the men is a ninja also. Eventually the men leave. Max is finally able to talk to the dancer, Kelly, and learns where Teri might be staying. The two decide to go see if she is there. 

They start driving and are immediately followed by the Asian guys. It seems the bad guys don’t like McAllister helping Mr Patterson. Max is able to give them the slip. He hides the van which means only one thing, time for McAllister to do some ninja stuff. He puts on the black suit and climbs up a telephone poll and walks out on the wire.

 When the bad guys car drives under him, he jumps down on it. They drive off with him on top. McAllister then smashes the front windshield and pulls the steering wheel off. He hops off as the car goes into the harbor. 

Now the bad guys have to come up with some other way to get some money out of Patterson. They decide to kidnap Kelly. 

McAllister goes to the club. He gives the daughter in the wheelchair, Jill, a little pep talk, then offers to help Patterson with the bad guys. Max is keeping an eye on Kelly but the bad guys get her anyway. They call Patterson and demand $20,000. Since they don’t know where she is, McAllister suggest that they pay it, but he has a clever idea and it involves Jill. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots come up with some different items to replace the nunchaku, like cluck-chucks and thumb-chucks

Jill rolls down to the rendezvous point and hands over the money. 

While they make the exchange, McAllister hides himself under their car. The bad guys drive away with him hanging on underneath. They make it to their office in China Town with McAllister still hanging on. Now he knows where they are keeping Kelly. The bad guys call Patterson and makes one final demand. He must sign over ownership of the club to them before he can get his daughter back. Patterson agrees to do it. 

That night, Max and McAllister make their way to the bad guys building. The thugs make Kelly dance for them. McAllister fires a grappling hook from one building to the next. He and Max slide down the cable into the room wear Kelly is. They defeat the two guys there, grab Kelly and the money, and head back out the way they came in. Which means it time for more wire walking. First McAllister helps Kelly make it across. Then Max does it. 

Safe and sound on the other side, they walk away without any problems. Wait, it’s the other ninja guy they saw at the club. 

He and McAllister do battle while Max and Kelly head for the car. Of course McAllister wins or there wouldn’t be a Master Ninja 2. 

Back at the dance club they have a little celebration. McAllister’s daughter is not in San Francisco after all. Looks like they will have to look for her elsewhere. 

** While Joel reads a letter the bots make their own master ninja theme song. When they are done we see that Frank is suffocating Dr Forrester this time but is forced to stop so he can push the button. 

We last saw Lee Van Cleef in episode 311 “It Conquered the World”

Timothy Van Patten is best know as an actor for his role as Salami on The White Shadow but is mostly know today as a director

Demi Moore was 22 years old when this movie was made. Of course she has gone on the become a huge Hollywood star. 

Claude Akins is best-known for his role of Sheriff Lobo on the TV show B.J. and the Bear. 

Clu Gulager played Billy the Kid on The Tall Man and Emmett Ryker in The Virginian.

Bill McKinney played a mountain man in the movie Deliverance. He also appeared in several Clint Eastwood movies, including The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Gauntlet and Pink Cadillac.

Best Riffs 

## Tonight on Mrs. Ironside

## Hey mister, your ninja is dragging. 

## Who smells like urine and cedar chips in here?

## Slurp Slurp Slurp

I really like this episode. The movie is not really a movie of course. It’s two episodes of a tv show called The Master stitched together into a movie. Either way it’s great 80’s schlock. Everything about it is cheesy. 4 out of 5

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Episode 321

Santa Claus Concurs the Martians 

Joel and the bots are looking at Christmas catalogues. Tom wants an inflatable Ted Williams bath pillow. Gypsy wants a pony while Crow wants to decide who lives and who dies. 

Dr Forrester and Frank invented the wish squisher. Joel and the bots make some toys for the island of misfit toys. 

KIDTV has a tv crew at Santa’s workshop. The reporter, Mr Anderson (Ned Wertimer), takes a look around the factory floor and talks to Santa and Mrs Claus. Watching all this on TV are two mesmerized children, but they are not earth children. They are Martian children named Girmar and Bomar. Their father, Kimar, thinks they are watching too much earth television. He also scolds Dropo, his lazy assistant, for sleeping while he was supposed to be working. 

Kimar and another Martian named Volmar consults a wise old Martian named Chochem for advice. He tells them that the strict Martian way has kept the children from being normal children. They need to learn how to play. They need Santa Claus!!!! Then all of the sudden, poof! The old man disappears. 

Volmar thinks the whole idea is idiotic but Kimar decides they should go and bring Santa back to Mars. They fire up the old spaceship and head for earth. They spot several Santa’s standing outside of some department stores. Suddenly they find Dropo hiding on the ship. He stowed away so he could see earth. Kimar is pissed but can’t deal with him now. They decide to land the ship near a lake. 

** Break 

** Crow has written a new Christmas Carol, Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas. The three of them give it a try but it’s filled with some rather violent themes. 

After landing, Kimar, Volmar and another Martian find a little boy and girl, Billy and Betty, hanging out in the woods.

They grab them and learn that the real Santa is at the North Pole. They fly the ship to Santa’s workshop and prepare to kidnap the jolly old man. 

Dropo was supposed to be watching after the earth children but they are able to get away and sneak off to try and warn Santa. Kimar and crew set out to find the old man’s workshop when they realize the kids have escaped. Volmar goes after them. Just as he is about to find them a polar bear scares him away. It tries to go after Billy and Betty but it can’t reach them. 

The Martians send out their robot Torg. It quickly finds the children. Volmar wants it to kill the little brats but Kimar programed it to only obey him. He has the two of them taken back to the ship. 

The Martians find Santa’s workshop and send Torg in to get him. 

** Break 

** Tom and Crow are suffering from Christmas depression. Luckily Joel tricked Frank into sending up a few tapes of classic Christmas shows along with a couple not so good ones. 

The elves try to stop Torg but he effortlessly gets passed them. Santa thinks Torg is just another toy. He starts to look him over and Torg just stops in his tracks. Kimar and the other Martians burst in. 

They freeze the elves with some sort of weapon and tell Chris Kringle they are taking him to Mars. They even freeze Mrs Claus when she walks in on them. 

When words gets out that Santa has been kidnapped, the UN and the space agency try and figure some way of get the red suited man back. They quickly launch a rocket to try and track them down. 

On the Martian ship, Santa keeps Billy and Betty company with Christmas stories. He even gets some of the Martians laughing, but not Volmar. He thinks Santa’s a menace. 

Earlier, Billy had disabled their radar shield, so the earth ship was able to follow them. Now Volmar is pissed. He takes Santa and the kids to the airlock and tries to send them into space. When Kimar finds out what Volmar has done, the two get into a fight. Suddenly Santa and the kids come walking in. Seems Old Nick used a little magic to get them out of the airlock. Kimar puts Volmar in the brig until they reach Mars. After they land Volmar is able to escape by out foxing Dropo. 

Kimar takes Santa and the kids to his home. He introduces them to his children, Bomar and Girmar (Pia Zadora). At first they not sure what to make of the jolly old earth man but soon they start laughing along with everyone else. 

Volmar is hiding out in a cave with a couple of conspirators. Figuring they can’t get near Santa Claus, they instead plot to ruin his reputation. They will sneak into Santa’s new toy factory that Kimar built and mess up the toys. 

At the factory, Santa is bored. Everything is automated so he is reduced to pushing buttons all day. They finish production for the day, go back to Kimar’s home and get some sleep. Dropo is really interested in Santa’s suit. He tries on a spare one and realizes he needs to have a bigger belly for it to fit. He stuffs a pillow inside and there you have it. Dropo Claus. 

Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) decides to head to the factory to make some toys. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots all read an essay about Christmas. Each of them is pretty cynical. Only Gypsy seems to have the holiday spirit. 

Volmar and his cohorts break into the factory and mess with the controls.

 Just as they finish, Dropo comes in singing Jiggle Bells. They think he is the real Santa, so they grab him and haul him back to their hide out. Volmar is sure that the next day everyone will see Santa’s toys as junk and they will finally get rid of the fat man. 

The next morning Momar and Kimar can’t find Dropo. They figure out that he must have taken Santa’s extra suit and gone to the factory. When they all reach factory, they can’t find him. They start production anyway. Immediately they notice all the toys are screwed up. They realize they machine has been tampered with. 

Volmar and company still think they have the real Santa, so he and a helper go to confront Kimar. He shows them they don’t have the real Santa and captures them. Unfortunately they are able to disarm Kimar and knock him out. Billy overhears Volmar plot to get Santa so he warns him. 

Volmar burst in and kids pelt him with toys. 

Dropo shows up, Kimar wakes up and the bad guys are captured again. Santa thinks Dropo would make a good Martian Santa. Billy, Betty and the real Santa head back to earth in time for Christmas Eve. 
** Joel lets the bots open their stockings. Gypsy got a framed picture of Richard Basehart. Frank and Dr Forrester also exchanged gifts. 

Bill McCutcheon won an Emmy Award for his work on Sesame Street as Uncle Wally.

This was Pia Zadora’s first film role in her short acting career. She later went on to have some success singing 

Ned Wertimer appeared in over 100 TV shows but is best known as the doorman Ralph Hart on the TV show The Jeffersons

Best Riffs 

## Dear Hair Club for Men….

## Just in case, where are your nitroglycerin pills 

##”Hello. Santa” Get the hell outta my shop! 

This is a difficult one to judge. The movie is horrible and really tough to sit through but the episode is such a classic. I have to give it 3 out of 5.

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Episode 320

The Unearthly

(with the shorts Posture Pals and Appreciating Our Parents)

The bots are making a “spontaneous” video for America’s Goofiest Home Movies but it doesn’t go so well. In fact, Crow is in really bad shape afterwards.

Dr Forrester comes up with a myriad of pills based on the phrase “That’s a hard pill to swallow”. Joel and the bots made celebrity inspired items, like Emilio Esta-pez and a Jackie Mason-jar.

Posture Pals

The students in Miss Martin’s class are learning about good posture. Tommy, Jim, Jane and Mary all want to have good posture and hope to win the class posture competition. Miss Martin gives them some pointers after class and the four of them help each other out through out the week.

They of course go on to win the contest.

Appreciating Our Parents

Tommy is a young boy looking around his neatly organized room. His room was a mess when he left for school. The kitchen is all cleaned up too. He starts wondering how that happened. Then Tommy’s father comes home from work. He gives Tommy his allowance and he even gives his mother a few bucks. Later Tommy overhears his parents talking about all the things they did today. Tommy realizes his parents do a lot and his family is just like a team. Tommy starts keeping his room clean and helping out with chores around the house. His father gives him a larger allowance and everyone lives happily ever after.

** Break

** Crow and Tom are thinking about how the ship always gets cleaned up and all the other jobs get done. Turns out it’s Gypsy that does all of them.
The Unearthly

A car pulls up to a large home late at night. The home belongs to Dr. Charles Conway. In the car are his associate, Dr. Loren Wright and a patient, Grace Thomas. Grace is suffering from depression and Dr Conway says he can help her. After some pleasantries, Dr. Sharon Gilchrist, Conway’s assistant, shows Grace to her room.

When they leave, Dr Wright tells Conway that he will make it appear that Grace committed suicide so no one will come looking for her.

Wright asks Conway to show him how the experiments are going. They take a look at his most recent patient, Harry Jedrow. Conway is trying some sort of glandular experiment on his patients against their will. This patient is catatonic. The two of them leave the room and Lobo, Conway’s brutish helper, comes to give the man a sponge bath.

Conway goes to Grace’s room to see how she is doing. She gives him a little background on her condition. He tells her he can help but to only speak to him about anything.

Later that night, Lobo finds a man snooping around outside the house.

Turns out he is Frank Scott, an escaped bank robber and murderer. Rather than turn him in, Conway let’s him stay in exchange for his help. What help that will be he’ll decide later.

The next day, Frank meets two other patients having breakfast. Danny is being treated for anger issues while Natalie is recovering from a nervous breakdown but is close to going home. When Danny starts acting aggressively he is taken away for another treatment.

** Break

** Joel wants to talk about some of the great movies John Carradine has been in but Tom and Crow just want to talk about Tor Johnson and his great acting ability.
Conway (John Carradine) tells Frank about his experiments and how they can prolong life. He wants Frank to be his next test subject but Frank tells him noway and says he will be leaving.

Conway reminds him about the police looking for him. Looks like Frank (Myron Healey) will be staying after all.

Out by the pool Frank sees Natalie and Grace. Natalie goes to see the doctor so Frank strikes up a conversation with Grace. The two of them decide to take a stroll around the grounds.

Dr Gilchrist checks on Jedrow. He is still in the same catatonic condition. She and Conway are not sure what to do about him. Just then Dr Wright calls. It seems Jedrow has a sister that is trying to find him. Conway tells him to tell her he is dead. Gilchrist doesn’t quite understand why since he is still alive.

At that moment, Natalie arrives to see Conway. He tells her she just needs one more treatment and she can go home.

That night after diner, Frank and Grace (Allison Hayes) begin to wonder what happened to Natalie. Gilchrist tells them she ate diner in her room and didn’t want to be disturbed. In reality she was drugged by Conway.

Lobo carries her down to the basement laboratory. After everyone else has gone to bed, Conway and Gilchrist (Marilyn Buferd) start operating on her. They surgically implant a new gland in her.

All the while Frank has been nosing around. He looks in Natalie’s room and finds all of her things but she is missing. He tries to warn Grace that Conway is crazy but she isn’t buying it.

As a last step in the operation on Natalie, Conway and Gilchrist give her a blast of electricity. The lights in the house flicker and all of the other patients notice a strange sound. Eight hours later the doctors check on her condition. She is stunningly disfigured.

Conway is devistated by this latest setback.
The next day Conway sees Grace and Frank walking together. He takes her aside and tells her Natalie was released and left early in the morning. He also tells her that Frank is suffering from a persecution complex and she should stay away from him. Gilchrist overhears their conversation and doesn’t like the way Conway was sitting so close the her. She confronts Conway about his behavior. It seems the two of them are couple. She wants to make Grace their next experiment.

Frank starts doing a little more meddling. He works his way down to the basement and finds Jedrow. He hurries back upstairs to retrieve Gloria to show proof that Conway is crazy. When they get back down to the basement Jedrow is gone. They start searching for him but instead find Natalie (Sally Todd). Frank takes Grace back to her room and has her lock the door behind him when he leaves.

** Break

**  Joel and the bots try to play a board game but don’t have all of the pieces for any of them. Instead they combine them all into one big game.

It takes so long to read the instructions that they never get to play the game.

Frank heads back out and sees Lobo carrying a coffin out the front door. Lobo lowers the casket in to a grave and begins burying it. For some reason Danny (Arthur Batanides) is outside sneaking around. When a dog starts barking at him Lobo goes to investigate. Danny slips back into the house before Lobo can find him. Frank meanwhile opens the coffin. Jedrow is in it and he is still alive.

Lobo returns and finishes burying the coffin.
Back in the house, Frank goes to Danny’s room and convinces him that he is in danger. They agree to meet at 2 am along with Grace to try and get out. Conway does a little look in on all of the patients. Luckily they are all pretending to be asleep. Conway is really stressed out so Gilchrist tries to comfort him but he is not very well receptive to her kindness.

At two o’clock the three inmates meet by the front door. Just as they are about to leave Conway, Gilchrist and Lobo surround them.

At gun point they take the men downstairs but Conway take Grace with him so he can perform surgery on her. Gilchrist leaves Lobo (Tor Johnson) to gaurd Danny and Frank. They jump Lobo, but not before he shoots Danny in the gut. Frank takes the gun, heads upstairs and find Conway in his office. He holds him at gun point and reveals he is actually Lt. Houston, an undercover police officer. Conway steps on a secret button that turns out the lights and is able to escape out a hidden door. Houston finds a phone and calls the police for backup. They arrive and help in the search for Conway. 

Conway makes his way outside with Houston close behind. He sneaks back into the house to get the keys to his car. He turns around and suddenly Jedrow is there with a knife. He stabs Conway who collapses on the floor. Lobo  makes it back up stairs and hits Jedrow over the head. Houston and the rest of the police subdue Lobo and find Gilchrist. They free Grace from the operating table and locate Danny, dead in the basement. They also find a cage full of deformed people Conway had experimented on.
Houston tells the other officers to go and arrest Dr Wright.

Grace realizes that Houston was really a cop. The two of them share an impassioned kiss as the movie ends.
** Joel and the bots start talking in street slang like the way Danny did in the film. Even Frank and Dr Forrester get in on it.

John Carradine was know as much for his voice as his acting ability. He is most famous for his roles in The Grapes of Wrath, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and Stagecoach.

Myron Healey appeared in some 140 films, many of them westerns, including Rio Bravo and True Grit.

Allison Hayes was a contestant the 1949 Miss America pageant and stared in the title role in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. She later developed lead poisoning and leukemia before dying in 1977 at 47 years old. 

Marilyn Buferd was the 1946 Miss America winner. She appeared in several B-Movies through out the 1950’s.

Arthur Batanides made guest appearances in many television shows including Mission: Impossible, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Odd Couple, Happy Days and Star Trek. 

Sally Todd was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in February 1957 as well a appearing in many B movies through out her career. 

Tor Johnson made a career out of playing large brutish characters. He appeared in several Ed Wood films.

Best Riffs

## It’s the most wonderful scientif… HEY WAIT A MINUTE! That’s an Uncle Josh’s pork rind!

## A Briggs and Straton breathalyzer

## A playground where apes evolved from men!!!

## ggrrrrr!!!!

This is an average episode. The shorts are really dumb and so is the movie but at least it has a plot to follow. 3 out of 5

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Episode 319

War of the Colossal Beast

(With the short “Mr B Natural”)
** Joel and the bots mix up some prefixes and suffixes with some Mexican food names to come up with some interesting food ideas. 

The Mads invention is the breakfast bazooka. Joel’s is the snack mortar. 

We first meet Mr B Natural, whom is a musical note that then assumes human form.

 He tells us about a student named Buzz. Buzz is a shy twelve year old that wants to be liked. When a girl asks him to come over to listen to some records and dance he turns her down. He says he has to study but really it’s because he sucks at dancing. Buzz goes home feeling pretty bummed out. Mr B Natural visits him in his room. Buzz would really like to learn to play music and Mr B Natural is there to help. Mr B then demonstrates how instruments do more than just play music. They let out what’s inside you. 

Buzz decides he wants to play the trumpet so his parents take him to the music store. The store clerk gives the family a little background on how a good trumpet is made. They get the horn. Buzz joins the band and quickly becomes the coolest kid in school. 

** Break 

** Crow is sure that Mr B Natural was a women while Tom completely disagrees. Joel acts as moderator while the two of them have an animated debate. 

War of the Colossal Beast

A young Mexican  boy is driving a pickup truck very erratically on some dirt roads. He keeps glancing behind him as if he is being followed. He drives into a small pond and gets stuck. He hops out and starts to run but keeps falling in the water. 
An American man pulls up to a police station in a small Mexican town. The man, Mr Swanson, wants to report a stolen truck.

 It seems he hired the boy to drive his truck to this town but he hasn’t showed up yet. He was supposed to arrive yesterday. The officer asks for a description of the boy. He then takes the man across the street where the wayward driver is laying in a bed and being tended to by a doctor. Miguel, the boy, is in shock and unable to speak. 

Officer Murillo takes the man to where they found Miguel. Sure enough it’s right whet we left him in scene one. There are tire tracks in the mud but no truck. 

In Los Angeles, Joyce Manning, is watching the news on her tv. She sees a story about the Mr Swanson and his missing truck and it gets her attention. She contacts him by phone and he comes to her place for a meeting. Also at her home is Major Baird.

 The major and Joyce pump Swanson for information about the disappearance of his truck. Seems Joyce (Sally Fraser) is convinced that her brother is the truck thief. Her brother is of course, Lt. Col. Glenn Manning from episode 309, The Amazing Colossal Man. We last saw Glenn fall from the top of Boulder Dam to his death or did he? After Mr Swanson leaves, the major tells Joyce to give it up, her brother is dead. Then he asks her to dinner. She says no and instead heads for Mexico to see if the boy from scene one can help her. 

She finds Miguel and he is still in pretty much the same shape as before. Joyce stays with him through the night. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming about a giant. Looks like Joyce may be on to something. 

The next day Major Baird arrives with a scientist, Dr. Carmichael. The three of them, along with the officer Murillo, head out to the infamous disappearing truck site. 

They find a giant human foot print near the site. Looks like Glenn was heading for the nearby mountains. 

** Break 

** Joel has the big head out again. He and the bots are singing when they hear a knocking coming from outside the ship. It’s Glenn from the first movie. He’s a little ticked off that he is not in this movie. He decides to just hang around the ship for a while. 

Following the footprints they drive into the mountains. They find a beat up truck but it’s not Swanson’s. With it getting dark they head back to town for some grub. 

Major Baird (Roger Pace) makes a call and is able to get some troops to take down the colossal man. Joyce convinces him to let her try and talk to him first if they can find him. Since the men won’t be there until tomorrow the two of them set off to find her brother. They climb up the mountain they were at before and find a whole bunch of trucks including Mr Swanson’s. It appears Glenn has been raiding them for food. Suddenly, there he is! He is just as tall as ever but not looking too good. 

He has another truck but when there is no food in it so he tosses it away and walks off. 

Back at the police station, Dr Carmichael has a plan. They bake a bunch of bread and lace it with some drugs to knock out the big galoot. Joyce isn’t too thrilled about it. The major tries to talk her into going home to San Francisco but she ain’t having it. 

The Major, Dr Carmichael and Murillo drive a truck full of bread around the area to try and find Glenn. Sure enough, Glenn takes the bait. 

The drugs take effect and down goes Glenn. 

Now that they have him, they try to decide what to do with him. Seems none of the government agencies want to take responsibility for him. When the plane he is on tries to land in Los Angeles the mayor won’t let them. I guess he doesn’t want Glenn to go rampaging through town. The army finally persuades the mayor to let them stick Glenn in an unused hanger until they decide what to do with him. 

They have him strapped down inside the hanger as the drug wears off. He grunts and strains against the restraints. They try to communicate with him but he doesn’t seem to even know his name. Eventually he is able to break free. 
He crawls out of the hanger and starts strolling around the airport.

 After tearing up a few things they shoot him with a tranquilizer and recapture him. This time they really tie him down. Dr Carmichael (Russ Bender) wants to try and run some tests on Glenn to see if he has lost his memory or actually lost parts of his brain. The next day they set up for the tests. 

** Break 

** Joel plays a newscasters from KTLA with predictions for the future. 

They show Glenn a bunch of pictures hoping to jog his memory. When they don’t seem to work, Joyce tells him about some of their childhood experiences, but Glenn just grunts and groans. 

Running out of options they decide to take him to an uninhabited island so he can roam free without scaring everyone. They make the arrangements for the next morning. Major Baird visits Joyce to give her the news. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, Glenn has figured out a way of getting out of his restraints. He brakes free, kills Dr Carmichael and goes on the lamb. In the dark he is hard to find. After a long search he is spotted in Griffith Park. The army sets up a road block and turns on a group of search lights. 

A group of school kids are just getting on their bus after a trip to the observatory. Just as the last two are boarding, Glenn comes strolling out of the trees. The army sees him and shine the lights in his face. Glenn starts to freak out and picks up the bus. Joyce hops in a jeep and drives up to the observatory. She convinces Glenn to put down the bus. He finally remembers Joyce and is very sad. He starts to walk away but abruptly stops. He grabs ahold of some high voltage power lines and electrocutes himself. 

** Joel has a big box of bread. He gives some to Tom and Crow and tells them he put some drugs in it to knock them out. Just kidding. 

Joel reads a letter, then Glenn reads one. 

Dr Forrester fires some waffles at Frank from the bazooka. 

This is the third time we have seen Sally Fraser. She was in episode 313 Earth vs the Spider and episode 311 It Conquered the World.

Roger Pace appeared in a few tv shows after this movie but nothing else. 

Russ Bender also appeared in Earth vs the Spider and It Conquered the World.

Best Riffs 

## Am I hip yet? When do the chicks start comin’ around?

## The Bonneville Salt Flats, where the world bread truck speed record trials are held.

##”Tell the pilot to circle the field once more.” The movie’s not quite over.

##I’m a lineman for the county. 

## The swimming portion of the truckers triathelon begins.

Mr B Natural maybe one of the weirdest things on film but the feature is kind of weak. 3 out of 5

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Episode 318

Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2

** Tom and Crow are debating what makes something a puppet. Joel quizzes them on a few obscure puppets. 

The Mads invention is just some really big noses. Joel’s invention is just a really big head. 

The Bacchus 3 is flying to the planet Saysar to find a secret weapon and destroy it. They are taking Colonel Yurulin, whom they rescued from prison in the first movie, back to Saysar as well. The route they need to take will require them to pass near a black hole. 

Before they get there, they come apon an asteroid. Captain Joe orders Ken to blast it with the laser. 

Rocky, the navigator, doesn’t trust the Colonel so they decide to lock him up until they reach Saysar. 

Apparently they pass through the black hole, then the ship stars getting very hot as they pass buy a star. Everyone except for Ken starts getting sick from the heat as well as some side effect of passing through the black hole. The engines start to malfunction and eventually stop working. Colonel Yurulin tells the crew the star is going to explode. Captain Joe has him help Ken with the engines since everyone else is sick. 

** Break 

** Tom’s head exploded while in the theater. Joel has to use a defibrillator to bring him back to life. 

Ken and the Colonel start doing stuff to try and get the engines going. The ship is slowly drifting towards the star and getting hotter. Captain Joe passes out, so Colonel Yurulin has to take over the controls while Ken keeps doing stuff with the engines.

 Ken is able to get the engines back on line as well as the cooling system but the Colonel is unable to control the ship. He passes out. Ken makes it to the bridge. The Colonel is barely conscious, so the two of them get the engines going and steer the ship to safety. As the ship cools down the crew start to wake-up feeling refreshed. 

Bacchus 3 makes it Saysar but are not permitted to land even when Colonel Yurulin calls down to them. Seems they don’t like him anymore. The Saysarians send several ships to attack Bacchus 3 so the crew is forced to fight back. The crew man the laser guns and one by one blast the ships. Knowing they never be allowed to land, Colonel Yurulin tells of a secret place they can set down, the Devil’s Desert. It was rough but they were able to land there.  

** Break 

** Joel and the bots present Captain Joe the boozy action figure. 

The crew prepares to head out when Captain Joe orders Rocky and Tammy to stay on the ship. Rocky thinks it’s a bad idea and tells the captain he should stay behind since he is so old. Joe tells him to blow it out his ass, so Rocky shots him with a tranquilizer. While Joe takes a snooze, the crew, minus Tammy, start working their way across the desert. Joe eventually wakes up and in spite of being really peeved at Rocky, signals them to be careful. 

They find a security outpost and are able to over take it, killing all the guards. Now dressed like Saysarian soldiers, they continue on their way.

 Joe and Tammy move the ship so that the crewmen are not to far away from them. Finally out of the desert, they find the installation where the secret weapon is being kept. It’s surrounded by an invisible security screen. Luckily, Ken is able to leap over it since he is not a earthling. He helps each of them over the barrier. They steal some security badges and go into the underground facility. 

After walking for quite a while, they finally get to the massive weapon.

 They place timed explosives on the device and quickly leave. As they are making their escape the Saysarian national anthem starts playing over a loud speaker. Colonel Yurulin stops and stands at attention, refusing to move. The others try to persuade him but it no use. The anthem has given him a change of heart and runs back to try and remove the explosives but a guard shoots him dead. 

Meanwhile Capt Joe and Tammy start moving the ship closer to the entrance. 

The rest of the crew continue their way out of the underground fortress but Dan get captured. The Saysarians torture him to try and get some information out of him. He tells them about the explosives but before they can start looking for them, Ken bursts into the room.

 He gives them all a good thrashing. 

Rocky and the other crew member make it back to the ship. Tammy wants to know what happened to Ken and Dan. Rocky tells her to get ready for take off. Before they can, Ken comes running up to the ship carrying Dan. Tammy is super thrilled. 

** Break 

** Joel and the bots sing a medley of songs about the movie and the characters. Even Gypsy gets in on the singing.  

One after another the explosives detonate and destroy the secret weapon. The Bacchus 3 is barely able to lift off safely. Captain Joe tells his crew how he is so very proud of them. They fly back to earth. 

Back on earth, they meet with a scientist that has developed some sort of thing that can destroy the universe, they get shot at several times by some bad guys 

and Ken keeps seeing a lady that he thinks is his mother but she always runs away. Eventually Ken catches up to the lady but it’s not his mother. The head bad guy from Valnastar, Lord Halkon, put her up to it to try and infiltrate their crew. Ken decides he must face Halkon alone and finally defeat him. Captain Joe think he will need a little help from him and the crew. 

The Valnastar have set up a base on earth so Ken sneaks into the facility and goes after Halkon. After a little back and forth dialog, Ken goes to shoot him but a gaurd comes in and distracts him. Ken kills the gaurd but Halkon uses a sword and disarms Ken. It looks bad for Ken but then Bacchus 3 crashes into the Valnastar fortress. Ken and Halkon do some fancy battling. Halkon throws his sword at Ken, but the not really his mom lady, jumps in the way saving Ken’s life. 

Halkon hops in a spaceship and takes off. Ken gets his own and goes after him. They have a thrilling dog fight with Ken shooting down Lord Halkon. Afterwards Ken decides to go back to Valnastar and help rebuild his world. 

** Tom and Crow were not impressed with the bad guy from the movie. So they think up some scary combinations of people to make a better bad guy. 

Check episode 310 for information on the cast. 
Best Riffs 

## Hey, it’s Oran Hatch. No, it’s Richard.

## Now it looks like Lawrence of Arabia but with shiny pleather suits

## Looks like the “tenperature” is coming down.

## Peek-a-boo

I don’t really care for this episode. The riffing is good but the movie is convaluted it’s hard to watch. 

2 out of 5

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Episode 317

The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (with the short The Home Economics Story)
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** Joel seems to have gone off the deep end since he won’t stop raving about waffles. He lists off a bunch of different ideas for using waffles with all kinds of food.
For the invention exchange Dr Forrester and Frank have made the meat reanimator. Joel makes a waffle iron that turns waffles into pancakes.

The Home Economics Story
A group of girls are in the assembly hall at a high school. They are there for a girls only lecture so you know what that means. It’s all about a girls peri…. wait, it’s about home economics. We also meet Kay one of the students. As the lecture goes on we see several scenarios of ladies doing work using their home economics degrees. Kay pictures herself doing each of these jobs. Now she knows what she wants to do.
Kay talks to her parents and applies to college.
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Sure enough she gets accepted and off to college she goes. We see her find her dorm room. Then meet her roommate. Then a couple of other girls. Then she goes to class. Then she goes to a football game.
Later Kay decides she wants to be a teacher. Her friends decide on other careers. Then we get to watch each of them learning in their chosen fields. They graduate then move on. The end.

** Break
** Joel has reprogrammed the robots to love waffles. Soon they start devouring the huge stack of waffles Joel has set out.

The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent
A group of viking women are waiting on a beach. The men of their village sailed away three years ago in search of a better place to live but they have not returned. The women are trying to decide if they should go looking for the men. They vote by throwing spears into a tree. After some debating, Enger throws the final spear and they vote to go on the big adventure. Desir, the leader, tells Ottar, the only man left in the village, to stay behind with the other women.
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Enger may have an ulterior motive for voting the way she did. Seems she is in love with Desir’s man and maybe hoping to sneak in on that action if they find the men.
The women quickly build a boat and sail away. They sail into the night. Thyra is steering the ship when she notices something moving under a pile of furs. It’s Ottar. He somehow was able to sneak on board. Thyra promises not to let the other know he is there.
The next day, Ottar comes out of hiding. Desir (Abby Dalton) lets him stay on board but puts him to work. Enger (Susan Cabot) decides now is a good time to try and get rid of Desir. She loosens the rope that holds up the main sail. It comes crashing down and nearly hits Desir but she is okay so they sail on.
Later Desir spots something in the water. She jumps in and it looks to be a piece from a ship.
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Just then a shark starts after her. She barely makes it back to the boat. Then a giant sea serpent appears. They try to get away but the weather starts get very rough. The serpent creates a vortex in the water which sends the women overboard. Lightning strikes the ship, setting it on fire.
The women, Ottar included, awaken on a beach. A group of men on horseback capture them and force them to walk a long way to their village. One of the men whips them every now and then to keep them moving. They pass a cave along the way that has guard posted outside of it.

** Break
** Joel walks out with a plate of waffles. He looks at the camera and just says waffles.

They make it to the village and enter a great hall that was obviously built by vikings. They meet the leader of this tribe, Stark and his son, Senya.
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They are know as the Grimwald. Stark invites them on a boar hunt.
They all head out on horseback with a couple of dogs leading the way. Ottar doubles back to see if he can figure out what is going on in the cave. Senya rides into a tree branch and falls from his horse. A boar corners him and starts to attack. Desir hears him scream, rides up and spears the boar. Senya is really upset that a girl saved his life.
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He says since he is a prince and had to be saved by girl he will be banished. Desir agrees to let him take credit for the kill. She notices Senya is wearing the arm band Vedric, her boyfriend, normally wears. The hunters are riding up so Senya promises to tell Desir where he got it. Stark is quite impressed with his son.
Back at the great hall, a lavish party is going on. One of the men keeps groping Desir’s sister, Asmild (June Kenney). Desir grabs a knife and is ready to take care of some buisness when Senya challenges her to an arm wrestling contest.
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They split the first two matches before Stark puts an end to the contest. Then, two men bring Ottar into the hall. He fights with them and several others before finally being subdued.
The next day, Stark takes his new slaves into the cave they saw earlier. Sure enough all the missing viking men are in there toiling away. Stark makes Ottar join them. He puts the women in a secure room at the village. Tomorrow he is going to let his men have their pick of the women.
The women try to figure a way out of this pickle when they notice the bars on the window are kind of far part. Asmild is able to slip through them.
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Right after she leaves, the door opens and the guard lets two women in with some food. They get into shoving match so the guard has to separate them. While this was going on, Enger sneaks out the door.
Asmild makes it to the cave. Somehow she got a key and was able to free the viking men. They grab some large hammers and make their escape. They walk out of the cave entrance and Stark and his men are waiting for them. Enger has tipped him off. They give the viking men a good ass whooping. He even brought all of the viking women out to see it. It’s back to the cave for the men.
Stark goes back to the great hall with Enger in tow. She wants to get rid of Desir so she can have Vedric (Bradford Jackson) but just for a fling. She cozies up to Stark to get on his good side.
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He gives her a ring. She heads for the cave and shows the guard the ring, so he let’s her pass. She finds Vedric and tries to convince him to leave with her but he turns her down.

** Break
** Tom mentions that he has been eating too many waffles and wonders if the world would be a better place without waffles. Suddenly Willy the Waffle shows up and explains how nothing would be the same if there weren’t any waffles.

Enger goes back to Stark (Richard Devon) and asks him to kill Vedric and Desir. The next day Stark ties both of them to some posts and piles a bunch of sticks around them.
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He only needs to kill one of them as a sacrifice to their gods. Whom ever begs for mercy first will get to live. Senya lights the fires but neither one will give in. Enger has a change of heart and tells Stark to release them but he cannot. Once the fire is lit a sacrifice must be made. She says a prayer to the viking gods and it starts to rain, putting out the fires. Senya is then struck by lightning and killed.
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Ottar releases the two captives just before Stark goes after them with his sword. Vedric fights back and is able to get ahold of the sword. He has Stark dead to rights but refuses to kill him. They only wish to leave.
Stark and company have a funeral pyre for his son. They toss in a sword and a live woman as well as the dead boy. Stark vows to avenge his death.
All the vikings have set out on foot looking for the sea.
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Stark and his men set out after them on horseback with a few dogs leading them. They close in on them quickly. Enger decides to play a fast one. She drops a bracelet on the trail and start heading in a different direction. The dogs follow her as do the Grimwald riders. The vikings find the beach just as the dogs find Enger and maul her to death.
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Stark and his men double back towards the beach. The vikings grab a boat on shore and start paddling away but Ottar (Jonathan Haze) falls as the boat moves away. He fights and kills the first Grimwald man that arrives before swimming to the boat. Stark and company grab the other two boats and start after them. The Sea starts get rough, the vortex starts again and then the sea serpent reappears. Vedric throws a spear at the beast and it hits it right between the eyes. It thrashes about and takes out the Grimwald boats before dying. The waters calm down and the vikings are able to return to their home land.

** Joel and the bots sing a song about how great waffles are. Dr Forrester is not impressed. When Frank mentions waffles the doctor shocks him with the reanimator.

Abby Dalton was nominated for an Emmy Award for her role in the tv show Hennesey. She also starred as the wife of Joey Bishop on The Joey Bishop Show and later as a murderous winemaker and daughter to Jane Wyman’s character on Falcon Crest.
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Susan Cabot was raised in several foster homes. She appeared in a few other Roger Corman films as well as a few Westerns before leaving Hollywood. She later had a romantic relationship with King Hussein of Jordan. She was beaten to death in 1986 by her own son who was suffering from mental problems. She was 59 years old.
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Bradford Jackson mainly had bit parts through out his short acting career.
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June Kenney played Carol in episode 313, Earth vs the Spider
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Richard Devon was a well known tv character actor through out the 1960’s with appearances in The Rifleman, The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp, The Virginian, The Monkees, Lassie and The Twilight Zone.
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Jonathan Haze appeared in over a dozen Roger Corman movies including The Little Shop of Horrors in 1960
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Best Riffs
## You’re wearing a shag rug and you think she’s strange?!
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## Look, look, look at my crotch! Look, look, look at my crotch!
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## That’s right. I said a full case of vodka.
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## I’m Todd the Baptist!
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## Just like Iwo Jima
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This is a great episode. The home economics short is hilarious and the main movie is another great Roger Corman film with a bunch of unintentional funny parts. There actually is a story here and it’s fun to watch. 5 out of 5.

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Episode 316

Gamera vs Zigra
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Joel and the bots are having a party complete with a Tom Servo root beer keg. They even have a Gamera piñata. Magic Voice tells everyone what a great guy Joel is. It looks like she’s had a little too much root beer.
Dr Forrester and Frank invented the Three Stooges Guns. Joel turned Crow into a shish kabob.
Dr Forrester is really excited about this week’s movie. Joel tells him they already know it’s the last Gamera movie, Frank told them.
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Dr Forrester was not very happy with Frank.

A voice over explains that man has concurred space and established a lunar colony but it’s not all roses. They encounter a ruthless alien race know as Zigra. We then see them blast a few moon buildings with a laser from their spaceship.
On earth, we meet Helen and her big sister Margee. They are getting ready for school. So is Kenny. He lives next door. While this is going on for some reason we get to see killer whales at Sea World doing some tricks. It seems that Helen and Margee’s father is a biologist and he works there and so does Kenny’s father. The three children head off to school and we get to see more Sea World stuff. This time it’s seals. Looks like one if the dolphins has died and some scientists are going to figure out how it died.
Henry, Kenny’s father, and Tom, Helen and Margee’s father, are working along a shoreline and complaining about how polluted the water is.
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They hear a report over the radio of a large earthquake in the Indian Ocean. It reached magnitude 16 and was larger than the earthquake that hit Peru yesterday. The two decide to have some lunch. They walk to their boat but the lunch is missing. Helen and Kenny have eaten all the food and are hiding on the boat. Henry and Tom are not very happy but then they all see a spaceship out over the bay. The ship disappears under the water. The four of them head out in their boat to see what’s going on. Just about this time, Gamera flies over head. Suddenly some sort of beam comes out of the spaceship and whoosh, the little boat is gone. They end up inside the spaceship where a woman explains she is from Zigra, which is 400 light years away. They are way more advanced than the humans and she will prove it.
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She makes an announcement over all radios that she will create a magnitude 18 earthquake that will hit Tokyo.

** Break
** Tom and Crow have made a model of what the insides of Gamera looks like complete with game room, laundry and a place for Kenny to stay.

The earthquake destroys Tokyo. She explains that their planet was ruined by all of their superior science so now they need a new plant and Earth fits the bill. Besides we are just ruining the oceans anyway so they will live there and be the humans masters.
She orders the men to tell the world to submit to Zigra. When they defy her she puts them in a trance. Kenny and Helen run from her. Zigra lady suddenly stops moving. The kids grab their parents and get back in the boat.
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Kenny pushes a button on a control panel and the boat reappears on the water.
The Zigra master, who looks kind of like a shark, tells the women to get those meddling kids. They know too much. He orders her to kill them but leave everyone else for slaves and food.
With their fathers still useless, the kids are trying to get the boat to shore. They see a large tanker ship across the way. Before they can go to it the Zigra spaceship, which looks kinda like a shark, blows it up. Shark-ship then turns it’s attention to the kids boat. Thankfully Gamera flies in and saves the day. He picks up the boat and carries it to shore. Gamera flies away as the kids go looking for help.
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They come across a hermit. He tells them they are on Noah island. Luckily it’s pretty close to the Sea World center.
They make it back there and the military is interested in finding out what the kids know about Zigra but they really can’t tell them much so they turn to their fathers. They hook them up to all kinds of machines but they just continue to stay in a trance. With nothing else to do they decide to attack Zigra.

** Break
** Since everyone is really bored with the Gamera movies, Joel has everyone make a diorama if their favorite scenes from any of the Gamera movies.

The attack doesn’t go so well as Zigra wipes out the entire squadron. The military orders everyone to evacuate.
Meanwhile Zigra lady appears on shore. She is looking for those two busy-body kids. She finds a couple of young ladies on the beach and puts them in a trance. She takes the clothes off of one of them so she can fit in with all the humans. The clothes she took was the girls bikini.
We then get a long sequence were a hotel manager and the head trainer at Sea World argue over who gets to buy some fish. Eventually the trainer starts heading back when he stops and pics up Zigra lady on the side of the road. He takes her to Sea World and she starts looking for those darn kids.
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Realizing she is a little under dressed she trances a lady she encounters and takes her outfit. When a soldier stops her in a hallway she puts him in a trance. She finds the kids watching the news on tv. Before she can grab them the kids make a run for it. After a long chase they give her the slip. The two if them start hollering for Gamera to come a rescue everyone.
Sure enough Gamera comes flying in. He goes underwater to look for the Zigra ship. He finds it and gives it a good toss across the sea floor. Zigra fires it’s laser at him but Gamera ducks out of the way. He breaths fire at it then the ship actually turns into a giant shark like creature.
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No matter, Gamera flips it over, grabs it and heads for the surface.
Back at Sea World, the Zigra lady is still chasing those blasted kids. The trainer sees this but he is unaware who the lady is but he has a idea that may help the two fathers. Maybe their brains are working like dolphins. The scientist thinks he may be on to something. He yells into a transmitter and it wakes the men up. The two of them remember what happened to them and the Zigra lady. She has finally caught those pesky kids but the humans try the transmitter trick on her and she collapses on the ground. Turns out she is not from Zigra after all. Her name is Laura and she was a geologist working on the moon when Zigra attacked. She was put in a different kind of trance and made to do what Zigra wanted.
Now what to do about Zigra. Apparently he was able to get away from Gamera. Gamera has been put in a trance as well and is laying at the bottom of the nearby bay.
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Henry and Tom take a bathysphere down to see what they can do. They try sonar to wake him up but it doesn’t seem to be working. Somehow Kenny and Helen snuck into the bathysphere. Then Zigra shark ship boat thing swims by and clips the bathysphere and it starts to leak.

** Break
** Joel and the bots are back having more root beer and talking football when suddenly Kenny and Helen from the movie appear outside the ship riding on Gamera.
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They try to talk to them but it seems the two have never grown up and don’t really have anything to say.

Zigra scoops up the bathysphere, swims out to deeper waters and drops it on the ocean bottom. They contact Sea World and try to figure out how to get back to the surface. They only have an hour of oxygen left and the surfacing controls are not working. Zigra comes up to them and they shine the headlights on it. Zigra doesn’t like that so they radio Sea World and tell them they have found Zigra’s weakness.
Zigra tells everyone that they must surrender or he will destroy the bathysphere. Of course they surrender right away since those stupid kids are in there. Then Laura calls down to Henry and tells him to use his understanding of Zigra to defeat it. Henry seems to understand what she means, which is good since I don’t know what the hell is going on. They turn the lights back on but this time really bright.
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Zigra backs off but then shots it’s laser at them. The Sea World folks lose contact with the four of them. Looks like Zigra has won.
Everyone is pretty bummed as you would expect. Some sort of lighting storm passes over the area. This wakes Gamera up but it looks to be too late to save the four deep sea heroes. It has been hours since they lost contact. He finds the craft and brings it to the surface. They pull out the four corpses and set them stretchers on the ground. Wait, they’re not actually dead. The laser just stop their cellular activity. They figure electrical shocks should revive them like with Gamera.
Speaking of which, Gamera is back in the water looking for Zigra and this time he’s ready for that big fish face. Zigra gets in the first blow by slicing Gamera with his dorsal fin. The turtle fights back but Zigra keeps cutting him. But Gamera is just luring him in. When Zigra swims by again Gamera grabs him shoots straight to the surface. They fly high in the air before he drops Zigra on his head. Zigra stands up, wait how can he stand he’s a fish. Anyway Gamera throws a huge boulder at him and it gets stuck on his nose. The weight causes him to fall over. Gamera grabs another boulder and bangs out a little tone and the sharks fins. Then he dances around a bit before roasting Zigra with his flame thrower.
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While this was going on Kenny, Helen, Henry and Tom were all revived. Tom tells Kenny and Helen that we all need to do a better job taking care of the oceans.

** Joel and the bots each sing the Gamera theme song in a different style. Joel does a Rastafarian style, Tom does a hip jazz style, will Crow does a rap version. Even Gypsy does a opera version. They finish with a four part harmony style. Dr Forrester and Frank do a punk rock version.

“Helen, wake up!”
No! Are you kidding me? I was out of the film! Don’t wake me up!
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Hey I don’t find this funny. I got a meatball on my nose for crying out loud!
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Wow, Tokyo Disneyland sucks
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This movie is really bad even for a Gamera movie. The riffs are good but it’s still difficult to watch. 2 out of 5

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Episode 315

Teenage Caveman (With the shorts Aquatic Wizards and Catching Trouble)

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Joel and the bots are bored. It’s raining outside and there is nothing to do. Magic Voice recommends a few games but those won’t do. Joel suggests poker. Gypsy pops in and asks “what’s poker?” Joel and the bots are really perked up now.
Gypsy can’t keep a poker face so the game doesn’t go very well.
For the invention exchange Joel and the bots each come up with there own ipecac for when you have had to much to drink. Dr Forrester and Frank start fighting over who is going to present this week invention. Frank even pulls a knife. Eventually Dr Forrester gets the upper hand and uses Frank’s head to send the movie.

Aquatic Wizards
It’s a video for how people train to be in a water show in Florida. First we see some ladies demonstrate water skiing skills. Then it’s some youngster learning to ski for the first time. First the boys and then the girls. Next it’s tricks like the pyramid,
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plus a bunch of other boring tricks. The narrator then calls a Hispanic man a Mexican Jumping Bean and the whole thing seems to take on a bit bigotry.

Catching Trouble
First a narrator introduces us to Sport Life’s Ross Allen, a modern day Tarzan. He is headed off to the Everglades with his faithful Seminole Indian guide. Apparently he doesn’t have a name. It turns out Ross is just a poacher really. He is there to catch wildlife so they can be put in zoos around the country. First it’s a bobcat and then two black bear cubs.
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  Next he needs to get three rattlesnakes. He sets a fire to drive one out of some undergrowth. Wait, I was wrong. The Indian man does have name, Old Sour Puss. Well they bring all the days catch back to headquarters. You know it wouldn’t be the old south in Florida without there being an old black man as the caretaker.

** Break
** Joel and the bots do there own version of Catching Trouble but call it Catching Ross. They chop down the tree he is hiding in, then burn him with a flame, throw him in a bag and beat it with a hammer. Next they put a giant snake in the bag with him and drop it in a box.

A voice over tells the creation story, all the way up to the arrival of man.
A group of cavemen walk into their village carrying a deer they’ve killed. The villagers begin to gather around the men. One man asks a woman where is the boy. She indicates he is by the river. The man finds the boy, his son, and reminds him it is forbidden to cross the river. The boy doesn’t understand why. The other side has lush fields and abundant game while their side is almost barren. The man warns him about the god that lives there that kills all with one touch. They head back to the village.
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The boy (Robert Vaughn) is very confused. He does not understand why so many of the laws don’t make sense. A dark bearded man tells him that he should not question the law and that he will find no other answers here.
Later the man and his son prepare to make symbols for the next hunt. The boys family are the keepers of the symbols and have been so for generations. He asks his father about the god and what does he look like. He tells him he looks human like but with a skin that no spear can pierce and claws like swamp creatures. He tells his son not to wonder so much.
The next day a group of men go out for the hunt.
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They find a bear and kill it but not before it attacks the boys father (Leslie Bradley). They return to the village and the village “doctor” sews him up.
The boy is really bummed by all of this. The dark bearded man tries to convince him to cross the river and see what he can get for the village. The dark bearded man is just trying to get rid of the boy. The boy likes his blonde haired daughter and he doesn’t like the boy so much.
The boy is able to convince a few other youngsters to go with him to cross the river but a few more think they are fools. The boy and three others head for the river.

** Break
** Joel is about to show the bots some drawing when they notice something strange going on in Deep 13. Frank and Dr Forrester are still fighting. They fight over a gun, then a pair of scissors and finally they whack each other with giant mallets.
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Dr Forrester gets a cattle prod and puts down Frank but then he accidentally shocks himself.

The four wade across and start exploring. A giant lizard comes-a-calling as does an alligator with a fin on its back. The boy and one of the others for some reason throw their spears at them which of course does nothing. The other two high tail it out of there. With the animal fight over they join up again. One of them slips and falls into a pond. Apparently he can’t swim and the others are unable to save him. The two others head back while out hero stays to keep looking around. He kills a squirrel, builds a fire and starts to settle in for the night.
Just then the god that can kill with one touch strolls into his camp site. The boy tries to scare it away with the fire but it keeps coming. He runs away in fear. Unfortunately he smacks into a tree branch and is knocked out cold.
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Back at the village, the symbol maker has nearly recovered from his injuries. He asks his wife where is the boy. She tells him he crossed the river a while ago. The man then makes a plan to retrieve the boy.
Meanwhile the boy wakes up with one hell of a headache. He stumbles around for a bit carrying a stick. When he brushes against a tree branch the stick goes flying. Eureka! He invents the bow and arrow. Sure enough his first shot kills a deer.
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At the village, the father is all healed up. He sets out in search of the boy. He wades across the river while the boy carries the huge deer carcass towards the village. Little does he know but the deer is dripping blood which causes some not so wild dogs to start to track him. The dogs catch up to him just before his old man does. He drops the deer but one of the dogs goes after him. The man kills it with his spear. He grabs the boy and they start off for home.
Back at home base, the dark bearded man (Frank DeKova) tells everyone that the boy has broken the law and must be put to death. The father of course says poo poo to that. The people seem to agree so dark bearded man goes after the boy and a great fight ensues.
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Just when it looks bad for the boy, the clan elder puts a stop to the fighting. Everyone is ordered to shun the boy until he reaches manhood.
Some time later, the blonde haired girl is under a small water fall cooling off when our hero walks up playing a little flute instrument. She seems to like it. Dispite the fact she is not supposed to talk to him, she gets out of the water and they have a chat.
Suddenly there is a commotion from the village. Something is aproaching but no one knows what it is, so the dark bearded man of course says they should kill it. Turns out it’s a man on a horse.
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They have never seen a horse so they still fear it. The boy tries to calm everyone down but they start throwing spears at it. The man falls off the horse and the clans people chase the horse away. The boy tries to comfort the rider as he lays on the ground. Bearded guy forces the boy away. He kills the rider just as he starts to speak. The boys father says they should give the rider a proper burial.

** Break
** Joel explains how the bearded man is like the voice of caution and safety while the boy is the voice of progress and acceptance.

The clan has decided to take the symbol maker job away from the father. He tells the boy he will continue to follow the law and so should he. He tells him to wait until he reaches manhood and they will talk again.
Time passes and the boy reaches manhood. The clan elder (Robert Shayne) shows him the symbol that the gods have given them. It’s a meteorite. The dark bearded man, who is now the symbol maker, confronts the former boy about his questioning of things. The former boy tells the guy that one of them will be dead soon.
Blonde girl really takes a shine to our no long little boy. She thinks they should make a place of their own.
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He reluctantly agrees and sets to work but he can’t stop pining for the other side of the river. She tries to distract him be he is insistent on finding the god that kills with it’s touch and killing it. Finally he sets out for his destiny. Blonde girl (Darah Marshall) goes and tells his father what he is up to. He once again has to figure out how to get him back. If the others find out he will surely be put to death.
Man-boy makes it across the river with his father close behind. The dark bearded man of course figures out what is going on and gathers a group of men to go after them and kill them. Man-boy finds the god that kills with it’s touch just as his father catches up to him. His father tells him to kill it but man-boy wants to try to communicate with it. The posse from the village gets there just as the pack of wild dogs does as well. They start attacking the men. Bearded guy sneaks around behind the god and hits it in the head with a big rock killing it. Man-boy shoots the bearded guy with his trusty bow and arrow. Upon a closer look they figure out that the god was just an old man inside of some sort of protective suit.
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Man-boy finds a book inside the suit. It’s filled with pictures of everyday life in the world of the twentieth century. They all head back home realizing that their world has forever changed.
A voice then tells the story of the old man in the suit. He was working among a group of scientists when the nuclear war started. The suit he was wearing was a radiation suit. He was able to live a long time for some reason and had been watching the little clan. We then see the clan heading out to investigate the world but will they learn the lessons of the past or will this be the end.

** Tom and Crow are dressed up like the old man in the suit. Joel walks in and they start referring to him as the young one who is always wondering. Dr Forrester and Frank have patched things up between them but they are in pretty bad shape.
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Robert Vaughn is best know for his role as Napoleon Solo in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. as well as his roles in The Magnificent Seven, The A-Team and Bullitt with Steve McQueen
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Frank DeKova is best know as “Chief Wild Eagle” in F Troop. He also had roles in The Untouchables, and Gunsmoke where he also played an Indian.
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Leslie Bradley appeared in many small roles throughout the 40’s and 50’s
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Darah Marshall appeared in a few tv shows after this before leaving acting.
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Robert Shayne is best remembered for his portrayal of Police Inspector Bill Henderson in The Adventures of Superman.
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Best Riffs
## He’s posing for GQ. Grod Quarterly.
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## He’s eating a fudge sickle.
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## I brought diner, I hope you like sticks.
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## Marmaduke NO!!!
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This was a weird episode. The shorts were terrible and funny at the same time. The movie was really bad but had some very funny parts. Dr F and Frank’s fight was terrific. I’ll give this 3 out of 5.

Uncategorized

Episode 314

Mighty Jack
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** There seems to be some sort of emergency on the ship. Lights are flashing and Joel and the bots are a mess. Joel passes out and Tom and Crow aren’t sure what to do. Turns out it was just a hoax. Dr Forrester and Frank invented formal flippers for the secret agent on the go. Joel invents ear muffs that look like ears.

A narrator explains that an organization know as “Q” is trying to take over the world. In response the United Nations formed a special group called Mighty Jack to stop them.
In Paris, Harold Atari finishes off his drink then leaves the bar and starts driving away. Down the road, two police officers stop his car. Suddenly a helicopter with a hugh net scoops up his car. A voice comes over Mr Atari’s radio and tells him there is no escape and to just relax. It appears Q has kidnapped him.
Colonel Yabooki’s secretary tells him about the kidnapping so he contacts Mighty Jack to help locate Mr Atari. Atari is unaware he has a transponder in his suit. Hopefully he will find it and activate it so they can find him. Sure enough he finds it and starts sending the signal. An odd looking airplane is flying around trying to pick it up. Just as they start receiving the signal another odd looking plane starts firing at it. The first plane goes into a steep dive and goes into the ocean. It’s also a submarine.
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Meanwhile on a nearby ship, they are also listen for the signal. They hear it and figure our where it’s coming from. The bad guys, that’s Q, also hear the signal so they destroy the transmitter. So then the submarine plane flies back up and lands on some sort of giant aircraft carrier in the sky. Also a group of people people that I don’t have any idea who they are but have figured out where Atari us, put in a call to Mighty Jack.
Q starts questioning Atari. They put him inside a big cylinder that has really bright lights inside that can blind him. They ask him about Mighty Jack but he keeps his eyes closed and refuses to tell them anything. They turn up the lights to full brightness and he finally agrees to talk.

** Break
** Crow and Tom put together a commercial for Mighty Jack dog food.
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The Colonel’s secretary is on the roof of her office building. She is sending a secret transmission to Q. Another lady over hears her. Later she visits the Colonel and tips him off to her treachery. She also find a listening device in his office.
Then we see the group from earlier who don’t seem to have any connection to anything. I still don’t know who they are but the are very distressed about the kidnapping.
Back on the submarine plane, a call comes in to Mighty Jack. It’s Q. They have a nuclear missile aimed at them. They are prepared to turn over Atari in exchange for Mighty Jack. Mighty Jack is not sure if they should, so Q says they will ask Yabooki what he thinks.
His secretary comes into his office with a gun and tells him to make the exchange. Then the other lady sticks a gun in her back.
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The secretary drops her gun but takes off running. The other lady follows her to the roof again. Trapped, the secretary suddenly explodes. Q must of done it somehow.
So the subplane is near the island that Atari is being held on. One of the Mighty Jack crew scuba dives out to the island. He starts sneaking around the big house then calls back to the subplane about what he has seen. Another member of the team then swims over. The first guy finds Atari. The two wait in a room for the second guy to arrive.  Just as he does, Q starts pumping poison gas into the room. Second guy busts open the door and the three of them take. Before they leave they set off an explosive in the control room. They make it safely back to the subplane which turns back into a plane and takes off. Q starts firing a bunch of missiles at them. They fire back and drop a bunch of bombs on them.
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More bombs. More explosions. Blah, blah. Mighty Jack wins but Q is able to escape.
Back at headquarters, the crew are all waiting on the subplane thing. Everyone is confused about who this Atari guy is. Just then in walks Yabooki and Atari. Turns out Atari is really a colonel and he is the new leader of Mighty Jack.

** Break
** Tom and Crow force Joel into a cylinder with really bright lights inside just like in the movie. They try to trick him into looking at the lights but he just keeps his eyes closed.

Sometime later, Atari gets a call from Yabooki. Q is back and they have destroyed an installation with some top secret government military thingy or whatever. Time for Mighty Jack to go to work.
They sail and fly to the artic and figure out where Q is. They are is some sort of iceberg. Divers are sent out and there are some torpedoes and lasers fired and one of the divers is hurt and they bring them back in.
Suddenly, we are back at Yabooki’s office. Atari is there and so is the secretary killing lady.
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Yabooki gives them a report that Q has developed a type of ice that doesn’t melt. They must have infiltrated the government’s research center to figure out how to do it. Of course Q has the office bugged again and hears the whole thing.
A couple Q thugs go after Catherine, the lady from earlier, but some guy rescues her. She recognizes him as some sort of political writer. She eventually makes it back to Mighty Jack.
Next we see a coffee shop of sorts. A man walks in and the sales girl tries to help him. He is a reporter named Roberto and all the members of Mighty Jack are in the shop. He wants to write a story about them. Suddenly a shot is fired from a building across the street. It hits Roberto in the arm but otherwise everyone is okay. A couple of team members run to the building to try catch the shooter but he gets away. They find a bullet he left behind that is made of the same ice stuff.
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They take it to Yabooki. Turns out Roberto is an agent of Q. They decide to go see the scientist that was working on the hot ice for the government. They are not sure if he is working for Q also. Atari and one of the other Mighty Jack guys go and see this scientist fellow. He tells them all of his research was stolen a while back but he doesn’t know who did it. They go and see another scientist. He also had his work stolen. Now they really need to find out who has been stealing all these papers.
Q of course has been spying on all this. They kidnaps Catherine. Then he sends a signal to one of his agents to get the first scientist. The agent is the scientist’s son. He kidnaps him.
Then we see Roberto with the coffee shop girl, Mary. The two of them head over to the scientist’s apartment.

** Break
** Turn out that Crow’s screen play, Earth vs Soup, is getting some attention in Hollywood so Joel tries to do a big pitch to some producers. He thinks it should be underwater but kind of gets carried away with with everything.

Roberto and Mary find some sort of mechanical device used for making the hot ice stuff. The agent that is also one of the scientist’s son comes in and takes the device from them at gun point.
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Atari and company show up but just too late catch them. They find out where the device is being taken so they all head for the harbor.
Agent guy gets there first. He and another guy takes Catherine to Mighty Jack headquarters. There they are able to gain access to Mighty Jack’s special secret stuff so they freeze the subplane’s cooling system.  Meanwhile Atari confronts Roberto about being agent for Q. Roberto quickly kills himself by blowing himself up. Atari finds the kidnapped scientist and they free him. Are you confused yet?
A couple of the Mighty Jack crew get into a gun battle with the two agent guys. They kill one but the other tries to make a run for it. When they corner him guess what he does? That’s right he blows himself up.
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Catherine informs Atari that Q is going to use the freeze weapon and destroy an island.
Now on the subplane, the crew finds Q at the iceberg. They prepare to blast them but the engine starts to overheat. The crew frantically work and get it to cool down then they start the attack. For several minutes we see rockets fired and we see a bunch of explosions as the iceberg takes hit after hit. Finally Q is defeated. Time for Mighty Jack to go home.

Joel and the bots sing a song called “Slow the Plot Down”, which sound a lot like “Blow the Man Down”. They each try to think of a scene they like from the movie but come up empty.
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Dr Forrester is annoyed by them but Frank gets into the spirt.

Best Riffs
## Ah, here we are at PLOT RECOVERY….
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## Open the Venetian blinds!
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## She is a lean mean lime green fighting machine!
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This movie was very hard to watch. It’s confusing, boring and none of the characters are interesting. The riffs were okay and the closing song is terrific. Never the less this was not one I want to see again. 1 out of 5